Creative Endeavors

Women are just too darn complicated for the average Joe, we never seem to figure all of it out.  The wife has Mothers’ Day coming up. As usual I haven’t a clue as to what to get her, the girl in my life, my cup cake. I need to find something for my lover, my confidant, my parsimonious grocery shopper, the person who brings a smile to my well worn-down face. A face only a mother could love.

So I ask her, “Honey what is it that you would like to have this Mother’s Day?” and she contemplates this for a moment or two and then says …… “We could re-new our vows.”   And I got excited, I mean, like really excited, because I had mistakenly assumed or incorrectly thought, that this meant “that they had expired!” 

Turns out it is nothing like that, she meant she wanted to “reaffirm our vows.”  She’s my girl, my bride. Just the other day, she looked up at me and said, “Y’know honey, we have a marriage that was made in heaven.” I smiled my best toothy smile and replied, “Isn’t that where they make thunder and lighting?” (See … If you answer with a question, they can never gain control over the conversation. Remember that)

Our bonds, being traditional in nature, are strong. We are old school, monogamous and most likely to stay that way (until death do we part). Not like some of these “new relationships” I am always hearing about, we are rock solid and still in love, after all of it.

A man and a woman are eating lunch and she says to him, “I know about your affair and I know about your mistress, I saw you and her together the other day. I want you to stop right now.”  The man thinks about it a little and then says, “No. I am going to keep her.”

The wife then says, “If you don’t get rid of her, I will divorce you.”
Again the man thinks about it and he says, “No. I am gonna keep her.”

About that time a mutual friend of theirs walks into the restaurant and has a woman on his arm that is clearly not his wife. The wife says to her husband, “Who is that woman with Bob? That is not his wife.”

The man looks over and replies, “Aw, that is Bob and his mistress.”  The woman thinks about it for a little bit and then she says, “I think ours is much prettier, don’t you think so?”

Now I know that some of this might sound sexist, but it isn’t, as I have said before, “I like women and sometimes they like me.”

So naturally I want to find my woman something special on this day and present her with a small token of my affection. But I am a loss as to what to get a woman who already has everything. Both of us are fairly comfortable with each other, into our sixties now, aging like a bottle of fine wine, and looking at life much differently.

For instance: “we now break our Viagra in half,” because she said, “I just want to cuddle.”

Which I willingly oblige.

Tell me I am not sensitive.

Maybe I can get her some of that new underwear that is being made out of WOOD. Yes, I said wood, you are not reading it wrong. These environmentally friendly knickers and bra’s use fibers from white pine trees. There is no risk of splinters because the fibers are spun to create a silky-soft fabric. Non-Toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions. They are currently being sold in the U.K.

Almost too weird to be considered real, but it is.

The material has more microscopic holes for air circulation than polyester and twice the absorbance of cotton related items. The French designed rage of Europe are currently being marketed in Britain and being sold by a company named “BYnature.” It is being called g=9.8, which everyone knows is the scientific figure of the earth’s acceleration.

I guess they would be alright until the drunken loggers show up!
(no good huh?)

Okay, after me ……… “She’s having my baby, what a wonderful way to say you love me, she having my ……..”

Everyone? Everyone?

Happy Mothers Day.

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Not long ago, I wrote a piece called “Shock & Awe” that proved to be very popular (April 10th). It concerned men and the stupid things that they do. Unlike the Oil Companies, who in their malafide manner, fabricate oil shortages, there are NO shortages of stupid men, or the acts that they often perform that are considered not so swift.

I should know, I am a charter dues-paying member of the stupid things that men do club.

Today’s science lesson, or rather, “Why men should not be allowed in the kitchen.” I am noticing that my coffee is tasting a little bit rank here lately. More so, that usual, so I decide to clean out Mr. Coffee Maker. I go to the cabinet, locate the vinegar and pour in the water into the coffee maker reservoir. At this time, I add about two cups of the vinegar to the water mix.

I run one cycle thru the appliance and then decide, if one is good, two ought to be better. So I now refill the chamber with the extremely hot liquid (the vinegar/water mix), which I now believe, was my first mistake in the process. Again, figuring that vinegar is a good cleaning agent, I decide to do a very stoopid thing.

I decide in my infinite wisdom, that “baking soda” would in fact, make this appliance and the beverager it brews, a lot sweeter, so I decide to add about a half-cup of Arm & Hammer baking soda to this very hot, caustic mix of water and vinegar, which unknown to me has been magically transformed into basically a dangerous, caustic form of home-made acid.

BAD MOVE. I mean, REALLY BAD MOVE.

Whoosh! The entire mix is now (because of this previously inexperienced phenomenon) all over the counter. The Vinegar and the Baking Soda do NOT like each other. Please remember this, it may save you considerable embarrasment in the future.

Water + Heat + Vinegar + Baking Soda = Terrific Whoosh!  This concludes today’s Science Lesson. (I know some of you are disappointed because this did not include serious pain to the lower genital area’s, but it was still pretty messy)

Moving on … Stupid things that men do. Some guy in Fort Worth, Texas, this week, tried to cash a check for the amount of $360 billion dollars. Charles Ray Fuller, 21, tried to cash the check at a Chase Bank. The check was made out to “Fulla Comp and Entertainment,” the record company Fuller wanted to start with the bogus check.

When his paternal grandmother Sharon Laird heard about the deal she replied, “Do What? Is he crazy? We were just in awe.” She also added “that if she did have $360 billion, I wouldn’t be sitting here. I’d be somewhere drinking margaritas. It’s five O’clock somewhere.”

Thus, giving even more credence to the age old adage of …….. The acorn don’t fall too far from the tree. (You ever notice how those Texas folks like that word … Awe?)

Gasoline is up another .31 cents this week. With prices now approaching $3.75 per gallon in the area, many people are in a bind, and pawnshops are reporting a brisk business as people pawn off their stuff in order to pay for necessities. In order to say afloat and fill up her car with gas, one resident is resorting to selling her personal items on Craigslist.com. The struggling driver is selling her flat iron for $18 because she said she has no other way to get the money to fill the tank before payday. Anyone interested in some old lottery tickets, only been used one time.

I remember when Bush was talking with Barbara Walters about “the legacy of his Presidency. And what did he think about how he (or it) would be remembered?” Looks like it will go down in the history books as the Chapter 11 or Chapter 13 Administration to me.

UPS/FedEx are re-routing all of their respective delivery routes to make right-hand turns only, saying they will save millions in the next year, not having to wait on left turns at stoplights. Pretty crafty thinking. I always wondered, if these two companies were to merge, would they name them Fed-UP?

Not long ago, me and the Miss’us flew out to Lost Wages, Nevada. Recently experiencing a longing to visit my money, I went out to the airport to pick up my ticket for a new adventure in Sin City. I looked at the Airlines Rep and said, “I want a roundtrip ticket to Las Vegas, Nevada, and send my luggage to Phoenix.” She got a funny look on her face and said, “Why would you want to do that?” And I said, “well hell, that is the way you did it to me last time!”

I won’t say who it was, but it was an AMERICAN air carrier.

To save on fuel, a number of airlines are doing what a lot of driver’s are doing, slowing down. Cutting back on the throttle. Southworst began two months ago. It’s projecting that by extending each flight by one to three minutes, it will save $42 million on fuel this year alone. Northwest airlines added eight minutes to a Paris-Minneapolis flight earlier this week, saving 162 gallons of fuel and $535. JetBlue’s director of flight operations said “it’s not a dramatic change,” but his airline saves about $13.6 million a year on fuel by adding an average of less than two minutes to each flight. United has invested in flight planning software that helps pilots choose the best routes and speeds. The airline said it’s trying to fly at more “consistent speeds” and expects to save an estimated $20 million dollars. So you are going to be flying a little bit slower, but getting there.

As for your luggage making the trip with you? Well, they are gonna work on that. Does the “Paris to Minneapolis” flight strike you as strange? I mean, I have been to Minneapolis/St Paul and Paris it is not.

I will leave you with this and then I am outta here.

A German man is asking for his marriage to be annulled after finding out that his wife is a man. Yeah, I know, you think I am making this up. Farmer Wolfgang Zober, 55, says he fell in love with Randy Victoria, 38, over the Internet. And that “he was delighted when he met her and realized she was as lovely as her photographs.” It was only on the couples “wedding night” says Zober, that “she told me she had male equipment and that her real name was Ralf.”

(Insert vision of Gomer Pyle here ……. Surprise …. Surprise ……… Soooooooooooprise! Galll-lee!)

Zober said that “he was devastated, not least because “Randy” seemed genuinely interested in his work. I didn’t realize that was because she used to be a farmer herself.”

Strangers in the night, exchanging glances, strangers in the night, what were the chances ……. I told you men are capable of some pretty stupid stuff.

I leave you with that vivid picture of the German Love Nest, I am gonna go make me some coffee, or a fresh batch of rocket fuel, whatever comes first.

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