Krazy In The Heartland
Hello and thank you for visiting The Creative Endeavors webpage.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If this is a complaint, go to our “complaint counslor” … go to Helen Waite. If this offends you, please leave, it will more than likely just get worse.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a member of the human race, live on the planet Earth, please press 8. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
Because you are soooooo special, please stay on the line, we will play you some horrific, terribly sappy, I just want to sit in the bathtub and slit my wrists music for you. Please set your dial on sixty-nine.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you are holding any Ritlan, my telephone # is …
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem issues, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. If you have not received your Economic Stimulus Check … Tough. If you are my Ex-wife, my NEW LAWYER can whip YOUR OLD lawyer.
IF YOU ARE A REPRESENTATIVE OF A MAJOR OIL COMPANY OR A MEMBER OF THE BUSH ADMINSTRATION … GO SIT UNDER A SICK CAMEL.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
Concentrate. There will be a test later, and you will be lost as usual.
One last thing … If you were directed to this site, by one of your family or friends? You need to find some new friends. This site is addictive, especially if you are depressed, alone, or sitting on a quarter of a tank. You won’t be crazy forever, but there is a distinct, very strong possibility, an awful good chance, your car will be out of gas in the near future.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. If you have trouble locating one, just look around, they’re not all that hard to find.
My wife is married to one.
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(I stole the duck from the Local Malcontent ).
