Creative Endeavors

The Long And The Short Of It.

Wordplay

Pope Benedict XVI has attacked popular culture and consumerism in a formal address to tens of thousands of young Roman Catholics. The pontiff also warned that natural resources were being squandered, in a speech in Sydney, Australia.

Which I guess is a lot better than talking about pedophiles in the pulpit. Back in the USA Jesse Jackson responded with “No Comment, damn sure, No comment.”

Astronomers analyzing the first images captured by the new Hubble Space Kaleidoscope, which went online Tuesday, announced that they’ve acquired the first concrete evidence that the universe is in a constant state of total weirdness.

The economic news yesterday was bad, bad, and more bad, and it is the lead story of all the newspapers. “A sense of economic gloom gripped Washington on Tuesday,” the New York Times writes. The Washington Post goes with a near-banner headline, “An Economy Thrown Into Turmoil.” USA Today’s front page also features several big arrows; the ones for good things are going down and those for bad things are going up. “So this is what a day of reckoning feels like. … If it wasn’t clear before Tuesday, it is now: This is no ordinary economic crisis, and it won’t be over anytime soon,” the paper writes.

And they wonder why the American consumer confidence is down?

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke testified in front of Congress that economic growth was “on a sluggish pace,” and that on top of that, inflation was a risk.  The Commerce Department reported that wholesale prices were up 1.8 percent, and retail sales rose just 0.1 percent in June over the previous month and were down 0.5 percent when gas-station sales were excluded. The stock market was down 93 points, and stocks in London, Paris, and Tokyo suffered as well.

The dollar fell to a new low against the Euro. Police in California had to be summoned to restore order at a run on a bank, where customers waited in line to withdraw their money. “It was a day of ugliness,” said one analyst quoted in the L.A. Times … “What else can you say?”

Exxon raised the price of a gallon of gas four cents, because they heard that Bob wasn’t coming in on Friday to the refinery in Stickitinyourrear Parrish Louisana.  The lone (sort of) optimistic voice of the day belonged to President Bush, who held a snap press conference at which, in the words of the New York Times “he felt compelled to remind Americans that their deposits were insured up to $100,000.

Thatta boy Dubya, what a guy!  Off The Radar Again …. Houston we still have a problem.

If you act like a dick in Florida, you will be asked to pay for it.  A 19-year-old man must make an apology to the city of Saratoga Springs for dressing as an inflatable 6-foot penis and then parading across SPAC’s stage at the high school’s graduation last month.  While as an added touch, spraying the folks in the audience with silly string.

Who says you cannot get a quality education in this country anymore?

Calvin Morett of 337 Pyramid Pine Estates must also pay to have the open-apology letter published in the Saratogian newspaper as part of a City Court sentence that calls for him to pay $95 in court fees. He was also ordered to perform 24 hours of community service. Morett had previously pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, a violation. Morett graduated from Saratoga Springs High School last year.

And they sent me to Mr. Moody’s office for less than this, a whole lot less.

Well, that are about it for another one boys & girls, time to get back to work on my upcoming novel for the fall debut on the Oprah Book Club.

Still struggling for that catchy book cover that draws people in.  And I have not come up with a bold title for it, but the basic storyline is as follows:  “Aliens come to earth in a miniature spaceship, who are far more advanced than earthlings.  Apparently they are a important mission, they are in search of carbon based forms of fuel (of which earthlings are one) and they are undergoing a life or death undertaking for their society and/or planet.  Something like our National Elections.”

Earth has something that they need, so they send a representative in the form of these little men (I have not decided on a color as of yet, just know it will not be green) to negotiate a better deal with the inhabitants, kind of like a Connie-do-Leesa type negotiator on a mission for more oil or whatever natural resource you happen to have.

It is kind of a “fish out of water” kind of read, some people are going to hate it and others are going to lap it up. Have not located a publisher at this time.  I am hoping for a let’s all rip this page out, pin it on the wall, and stick in nails, needles, and staples, read it every day kind of thing. Perhaps Oprah will help me to find it a home and make it a must read, this could very well be the new work environment manifest for America.

Realistically speaking, it will probably end up pinned to a refrigerator somewhere with a magnet in the shape of a small piece of fruit, and that is the best I can hope for in the end.  (Hey?  It got my total word count up for the day, works for me)

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July 17, 2008 Posted by ldsrr91 | Oklahoma, Recent, blogging, life, random | , , , , | No Comments

Good News - Bad News

You ever get tired of television or the Sunday Paper telling you that your not as beautiful as you should be, or strong enough, or fashionable enough to fit in. You ever get tired of a constant steady stream of bad news on the airwaves.

Television news broadcasters assault us with story after story of how bad things are in the world these days.

If it bleeds … Then it leads. Seems to be the most popular approach to television news. Bad news is the new mantra of the twenty-first century. Get used to it.

Yesterday my next door neighbor, Marc, said to me, “If I hear one more sound bite on gasoline, McCain or Obamma. I am going to take a gun and blow my brains out!” I have to agree, on some days I am right in there with him on that.

By the time you reach age 18 it is estimated that you have seen approximately 200,000 violent acts on television, some of that includes murders, at about 16,000. Each of us deals on a daily basis with this kind of stuff and I figure over the years, just like anything else, it has to affect us.

Taking it one step further, I will go out on a limb here and venture that a great many of us have become “addicted to all this bad news” even though we are painfully aware it is no good for us, we still seek it out.

We have to have it. It is our elixir of life for the day.

Now one of these days I figure, things are going to turn around, and all of the news is going to be good for a change. Things are going to slow down in our favor, and life is going to vastly improve for the majority of us. Money won’t be tight, she will never have a headache, cable tv will be free.

(Hey? This is MY story, ok?)

What about those poor unfortunate folks who are addicted to nothing but bad news. They are going to miss it something terribly. That is why I have decided to print a “Bad News Paper” for all those folks who cannot stand to live without their daily dose of bad news.

The Bad News Gazette will contain: Negative thought, bad memories, hard times. Because they are addicted to it. They are going to miss all this, that is where I come in, I am gonna print a bad news paper. Having found themselves cruelly missing this, I will provide it for them. That I am afraid is the down side.

But here is the upside, I should make millions.

My 911 at-large-mobile-correspondent in Nevada, (Art) has come up with some possible headlines.  We feel as if these will be suitable for the first start off additions of the Bad News Gazzette, check out the new headlines here.

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July 8, 2008 Posted by ldsrr91 | Recent, life | , , , , , , , , | No Comments

Bad Gas - I Cannot Drive My Car

More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes – No Gas –More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes – No Gas – More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes – No Gas – More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes – No Gas –More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes – No Gas – More taxes – Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil – More Taxes - Bad Gas – No Oil -  I CANNOT DRIVE MY CAR

June 22, 2008 Posted by ldsrr91 | Recent, life | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Krazy In The Heartland

Hello and thank you for visiting The Creative Endeavors webpage.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If this is a complaint, go to our “complaint counslor” … go to Helen Waite.  If this offends you, please leave, it will more than likely just get worse.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.  If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.  If you are a member of the human race, live on the planet Earth, please press 8.  If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

Because you are soooooo special, please stay on the line, we will play you some horrific, terribly sappy, I just want to sit in the bathtub and slit my wrists music for you. Please set your dial on sixty-nine.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.  If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.  If you are holding any Ritlan, my telephone # is …

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem issues, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you.  If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.  If you have not received your Economic Stimulus Check … Tough.  If you are my Ex-wife, my NEW LAWYER can whip YOUR OLD lawyer.

IF YOU ARE A REPRESENTATIVE OF A MAJOR OIL COMPANY OR A MEMBER OF THE BUSH ADMINSTRATION … GO SIT UNDER A SICK CAMEL.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
Concentrate.  There will be a test later, and you will be lost as usual.

One last thing … If you were directed to this site, by one of your family or friends? You need to find some new friends. This site is addictive, especially if you are depressed, alone, or sitting on a quarter of a tank. You won’t be crazy forever, but there is a distinct, very strong possibility, an awful good chance, your car will be out of gas in the near future.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. If you have trouble locating one, just look around, they’re not all that hard to find.

My wife is married to one.

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 (I stole the duck from the Local Malcontent ).

May 14, 2008 Posted by ldsrr91 | Recent, life | , , , , | 7 Comments

Say it isnt so

Well, smack my butt and call me Judy … I got it wrong again! I just picked up my personal copy of USA Today, The Nation’s Newspaper and right there on the front page …. “Bush says it is not his fault, he blames Congress.”

Man, how could I have missed that? Clearly I must have been living in a cavernous hole outside of Roswell, New Mexico, deep underground in a cold, dank cave, with rabid bats or something.

We didn’t go into Afghanistan on the Emergency Powers of the President; it was Congress that sent us over there looking for Ossama Been Forgotten. Maybe Paula Abdul ……. Okay got it.

We didn’t move on Iraq looking for weapons of mass destruction on our presidents authority, it was Congress that did that. The MayTag Repairman, nah? Okay got it.

Today NBC reports that the administration has again been rattling its’ military swords at the country of Iran, but the new Secretary of Home-Land Collective Reasoning, Flip Wilson, said that it wasn’t his fault …..”The Devil made me do it!”

Yeah ….. I got it.

A Texas oil man got appointed to a plush Washington DC administration job, and he showed up on the day his predecessor was leaving, as the guy picked up his stuff to leave, he handed the Texan three envelopes. “When you get in trouble you are going to need these, don’t open them until you get into trouble.”

He took the envelopes, stuck them in the drawer and forgot about it.

Not long afterwards, he gets called in to the big office, he is in trouble. He peers into the drawer, sees the envelopes, picks up number one and opens it. Inside there is a piece of paper and it says ….. “Blame it on the Economy.” So when he arrives at the office, he blames it all on the slack American workers and the economy, the big boss seems satisfied.

A little while longer, same deal, again he is in trouble.

The Lil Texan opens up the desk drawer, fishes out envelope number two and reads the piece of paper …… “Blame it on the Congress.” Again he heads up to the hill and once again, he says, “I tried to get them to see it YOUR way but they just would not listen. Lousy politicians.” The Big Boss smiles and waves him away.

A period of time transpires, again the dreaded call arrives, quickly he reaches down and fishes out the last envelope, ripping it apart, he opens it up and reads …… “Prepare three envelopes.”

Yeah, I got it.

Honey what time does Deal or No Deal come on …..

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May 1, 2008 Posted by ldsrr91 | Recent, life | , | 2 Comments