Creative Endeavors

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that … is the beginning of a new argument.

Unfortunately here lately, because of things out of my control, my wit and my speech seem to be punctuated by an acerbic tone and a lot of my comments seem to have been over the top at times.  It is now very apparent to me that I need to find some lighter fare and loosen up.

In all reality, there isn’t a whole lot I can do about any of this, other than complain, and even I get sick of that.  So today we will go a different route with the page.  Try this:  A handful of Seven year old children were asked ‘what they thought of beer. Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring.

Seven year old Tim- ‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’

Seven year old Melanie - ‘ Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’

Seven year old Grady - ‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’

Seven year old Toby - ‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’

Seven year old Sarah - ‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.

Seven year old Lilly - ‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’

Seven year old Ethan - ‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.’

Seven year old Shirley - ‘I give Dad’s beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.’

Seven year old Jack - ‘My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’

Learn from Yesterday
Live for Today
Hope for Tomorrow

If you happen across any more of these, send ‘em in and we will share them with everyone.

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RELATED:

• ASK A KID
• ASK A KID II

Awhile back I posted a piece that was entitled Ask A Kid and it was rather popular, so here is another one that I have gleaned or gnanked from Email.

The inclusive story of the Bible –The 12 Opossums

At the end of each year, junior church members are given pencils and paper and asked to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you’re a little foggy on your Biblical history, let our junior church students help you with their complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one, but “I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I’m not sure what  they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy; but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph, who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh, after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (The Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door, was you born in a barn?”)

It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.   Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.   He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it, the whole Bible, I mean. Don’t you?

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RELATED: ASK A KID

Man, this bloggin’ stuff can really go to your head, can’t it?  I was out at the Mall this weekend and I heard ….. “Hey Look!  There’s Don Smith!” and all these people turned around and stared at me … I am never, ever going to yell that out again, that was embarrassing.

Kanab, Utah has come to their senses and are now going to allow Bikini’s at the Local Watering Hole and that is great.  Speedo’s are not however allowed (No banana slings in Mormon Country sorry) and you can read all about it here:  Bikini ban

Some of the finest people in the world live on my street; I have some of the best neighbor’s anyone could ask for.  Most of them are just great, one is a crotchety old **** but we won’t dwell on that (I just absolutely hate talking about myself). We often have in the cool of the evening, tail-gate get togethers in the front yard, sit on the end-gate of an old truck and shoot the bull. 

The other day on Father’s Day, I asked my friend and neighbor, “Why was it you and your wife, waited so long to have kids?”

He said … “One of the reasons I waited so long is because, when you go to Catholic high school, they pound into your head not to get anybody pregnant. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with them the rest of your life, and it’s against God’s will, and all that. So when I finally got my wife pregnant, I was almost embarrassed and ashamed, you know. I had to tell my parents, I’m sorry, but I got somebody pregnant.”

Which is, if you are in your right mind, absolutely ridiculous.  Today I found this:  Cheap Mexican Gasoline, you make the call. 

Lot of folks talking about moving downtown, escalating gas prices are driving people to move closer to work, all of a sudden, living close to the boss is a viable uncomfortable option.  Personally, I wouldn’t trade the clear stars for downtown street lights for anything. I don’t care what the price of fuel is.

We’ve got piece of mind. We’ve got safety out in my neck of the woods.  And you’ve purchased a property on the outskirts of town in the country; you have got the wonderful smell of that dairy air.

Middle of the Week …. Hammer Down … The Weekend is on the Horizon.

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The other day the doorbell rang, when I opened it, there stood three of the neighborhood kids.  Nicholas, Ray, and Savannah.  They looked up at me and said, “Can we come in and see the birds?” 

I have two parrots, one an African Grey named Popeye and a Blue and Gold McCaw that is named Mo.  So I looked down at them and said, “I dunno, maybe you better ask your parents first.” 

To which Ray, the apparent ring leader in the red shirt said, “We already did, and they said it was alright.” 

So I took him at his word and allowed them access to the house.

We are looking at the birds and everything seems to be alright, when the doorbell rings again.  So I go to the door.  This time I find two very apprehensive mothers looking for their kids.  It turns out that no one knew where anyone was, and of course, there was some tension in the air. 

So after the children were properly indoctrinated into the ways of the world, it also became my turn to understand as an adult, what my role in all this was too.

A couple of days later, the doorbell rings. 

Again, it is the two dinkers from next door, Nicholas & Ray-Ray, so I say, “What do you want?” and here it comes, “We want to see the birds.”   So I say, “Yeah?  Last time you wanted to see those birds, you two dinkers got me in a whole lotta hot water with your Mama.  You ask your Mama if you could come over here and see my birds?”

To which Ray-Ray the apparent ring leader in the red shirt, replies, “Yes.  We asked her and she said it was alright.”  So I say, “Yeah?  That is what you said “last time” and I got into a bunch of trouble. You aint story-tellin me are ya?” 

So Ray looks at me and says …. “No honest, we aint lyin’ this time Mr. Smith.”

From the mouth of babes … You want to know about the world?  Ask a kid, kids have all the answers.  I recently came across this and I will share it with you.  The ocean according to kids…

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 
• Oysters’ balls are called pearls.  (Jerry, age 6)
• If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island. 
• If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more.  (Kylie, age 6)
• A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
• My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age 6)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
• Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?  Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
• I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.
• They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
• When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
• On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat a**. (Julie, age 7)
• The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
• My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

I eventually showed them the birds, but I made them “cross their hearts and made them swear to hope to die” just to make sure.

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Johnny, our youngest kid, just turned 35, and time has a way of sneaking up on you.  First thing you know, it has as the bible says, “like a thief in the night” robbed you of what you hold so dear.  Time.  This morning I am thinking about the youngster, not the man, not the father or the devoted husband. 

But Johnny the kid.

Back in the day, when Johnny was a kid, I used to work for the worst boss in the world, well he might not have been “the” worst boss in the world, but he was definitely in the top five.  He used to adjust my attitude on a daily basis, and I have to admit, it worked.  I would not only adopt the attitude, but I would bring it home with me.  It often didn’t take a whole lot to have me chasin’ my own tail by four o’clock in the afternoon. 

Working for this moron was not the high point of my day, too many days that I care to remember.

One particular day, I came home with a bad case of attitude and really found myself not to be good company to a man or a dog.  Johnny who was just being a kid, doing what kid’s do, irritated the fizz out of me and I unloaded on the boy.  I made it unmistakably clear that I wasn’t having any of it and he was not helping matters much by contributing to my discomfort with life in general. 

In other words, I mounted the kid pretty bad.

The next day at work, I got to thinking about what it is that I did, what it is that I said, why it was, that I found myself so hopelessly wrong.  So when I got home, I asked the boy, “You wanna go see a movie?” and he eyed me rather suspiciously and said, “What kind of movie?” and I said, “Uh I dunno, I am sure I can find something.” 

We then loaded up and headed out to the theater to see a flick, leaving Mom at home.  Just the two of us.

Unfortunately, the children’s fare was not all that good that particular day as I remember it, and we had to settle for something a little bit more mature and adult in nature.  Afterwards, we went to the local Ice Cream eatery and we chowed down on a Banana Split with extra cherries, extra nuts, we basically shared “the works” the boy and I.

And we talked, I mean really talked. 

We sat there in the booth and we laughed and in one of those rare moments, we shared a little of each other.  I apologized to the boy and told him about life, how you had to contend with certain people in order to make a living and told him that what happened the day before was not his fault. 

In detail, taking pains to make sure he knew what had transpired, I explained that it was MY fault, not his, that I was just having a rotten day and that he was just being a kid.

The boy in his gracious nature said, “Aw, don’t worry about it Dad, it is okay.” 

On the way home, sitting next to me in the car, he looked up and he said, “Hey Dad?” and I said, “Yeah, what John?”  He said, “I really liked that movie Dad, but it would have been a lot better if it didn’t have all that dumb sex in it, huh?”

Every now and then … You can learn a lot from a nine year old.

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Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa,and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was ill and dying.  I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure.

They felt as  though Shane might learn something from the experience.  The next day,I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped
up, “I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d  never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want what lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

“Reputation is what people think you are, Character is what God knows you are!”

Spell the word “Dog” backwards and what do you get? *

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A special thanks to my friend Art in Nevada for passing this on.

So, how was your weekend, sleep in?  Eat some good grub, spend some time with the babies’ mama and visit with the family?  First holiday of the year, the gateway to summer has arrived.  High School is letting out and the farmers are getting ready to bring in the wheat crop here in the middle of the country.

The first Memorial Day was observed as Decoration Day on May 30, 1868, to honor those who died in the Civil war.  It was tradition to decorate the graves of veterans with flowers, wreaths, and crosses.  At the first Decoration Day service, more than 20,000 Union and Confederate soldiers’ graves were honored at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia.  The holiday officially became “Memorial Day” in 1967.

We used to drive up to the family plot and do some decorating, but as it is about 60 miles from here, and the prohibitive cost of motor-fuel what it is, we opted out to not go this year.  I suppose a lot of American’s did the same.  Most will raise the flag, break out the American Grub, fire up the barbequer in the backyard, and hoist a few cold ones.  That will be about it. 

This should be a time to cherish the freedom you have as a United States Citizen, yet to some, today is nothing more than “a day off from work.”  With the influx of illegals into the country support for a holiday like this, is waning in this country, sadly if this is all we have, the next thing you know, all of us will be running for the border.

Much like most things of value in this country, it is being relegated to the back burner of the stove, as the old gives way to make room for the new.  I have heard of this holiday being described by young people as “War Day” and churches using it for a “memorial service for the dearly departed” (old timers in the church). 

This time of the year, I always seem to think of the poignant scene in “Saving Private Ryan” when Tom Hanks, having just taken a round in the chest, looks up at the kid and says ….. “Make your life count for something.” … Always puts a knot in my throat and tears up the corner of my eye.

As The Local Malcontent says … Freedom is not free.

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Tonight on the local news, they said that schools were going to start teaching “common decency” to our children. Finally. A step in the right direction or as my mother would say, “It’s about time!” Might be appropriate to provide a chair next to the child for Mom or Dad to sit on while we are at it.

Sometimes I often feel that we have gotten so busy trying to make a living, that we have forgotten how it is to live. Sitting in our recliners, within easy view of our most precious possessions (our children) we have allowed sex and violence to permeate the television and worse yet, sat idly by, as they were saturated with it. We never stopped to change the channel, we just blew it off ….. “Oh don’t worry, it is not real.” And we let them (our kids) gorge themselves on the soup of demons and monsters, that we practically invited into our homes.

Then we expect them to be good.

People stand in lines for hours, to plop down the almighty dollar to watch violence in movies, video, and other forms of media. Chat rooms are set up on a daily basis on the Internet to discuss things so vile it boggles the mind. Common place, ordinary fare, pass me the menu, I am sitting at the table of the enemy and we are going to share lunch.

We are taxed or coerced into paying dues to a Internet System that remains basically unregulated by “anyone” in our libraries (Oklahoma City libraries are filtered), and we sit back as our children are attacked mentally and sometimes, even physically (pedophiles on the net). Our kids slink off into their rooms and learn how to build bombs. Or they tap into pornography of any nature that the sick, twisted minds of depraved men can create.

Ever listen to wrap music?
Case closed.

Kids listen to CD’s with lyrics of murder, sex, suicide, hopelessness, and even anarchy. Right now, somewhere, plugged in and walking around, a kid fantasizes about secretly carrying out the forms of evil that fill his/her mind from television, music CD’s, movies or the Internet. Bet your last dollar on that.

The flag is no longer a sacred thing, it is usually seen worn as a headband or a shirt or some piece of clothing. No respect. Hell, we have a man running for the presidency of this country, that will not even salute it or place his hand over his heart when it comes by in review.

When you see your brother wrapped up in one and sent home, it carries a totally different meaning. Respect bought and paid for at a very high price.

Our freedoms which we enjoy were paid for by the blood of brave men and women, but today, this same flag has become a banner of filth. You can set in on fire in the name of free speech for cryin’ out loud, according to some old relic, appointed for life, sitting on the bench of the Supreme Court.

I think it is a good deal, that social mores, values, common decency are being passed onto the next generation in school. If the parents won’t do it, or do not have the time to do it, then it is a good idea that someone is willing to step up to the plate and take a stand for America.

Bring it on.

***