Women are just too darn complicated for the average Joe, we never seem to figure all of it out. The wife has Mothers’ Day coming up. As usual I haven’t a clue as to what to get her, the girl in my life, my cup cake. I need to find something for my lover, my confidant, my parsimonious grocery shopper, the person who brings a smile to my well worn-down face. A face only a mother could love.
So I ask her, “Honey what is it that you would like to have this Mother’s Day?” and she contemplates this for a moment or two and then says …… “We could re-new our vows.” And I got excited, I mean, like really excited, because I had mistakenly assumed or incorrectly thought, that this meant “that they had expired!”
Turns out it is nothing like that, she meant she wanted to “reaffirm our vows.” She’s my girl, my bride. Just the other day, she looked up at me and said, “Y’know honey, we have a marriage that was made in heaven.” I smiled my best toothy smile and replied, “Isn’t that where they make thunder and lighting?” (See … If you answer with a question, they can never gain control over the conversation. Remember that)
Our bonds, being traditional in nature, are strong. We are old school, monogamous and most likely to stay that way (until death do we part). Not like some of these “new relationships” I am always hearing about, we are rock solid and still in love, after all of it.
A man and a woman are eating lunch and she says to him, “I know about your affair and I know about your mistress, I saw you and her together the other day. I want you to stop right now.” The man thinks about it a little and then says, “No. I am going to keep her.”
The wife then says, “If you don’t get rid of her, I will divorce you.”
Again the man thinks about it and he says, “No. I am gonna keep her.”
About that time a mutual friend of theirs walks into the restaurant and has a woman on his arm that is clearly not his wife. The wife says to her husband, “Who is that woman with Bob? That is not his wife.”
The man looks over and replies, “Aw, that is Bob and his mistress.” The woman thinks about it for a little bit and then she says, “I think ours is much prettier, don’t you think so?”
Now I know that some of this might sound sexist, but it isn’t, as I have said before, “I like women and sometimes they like me.”
So naturally I want to find my woman something special on this day and present her with a small token of my affection. But I am a loss as to what to get a woman who already has everything. Both of us are fairly comfortable with each other, into our sixties now, aging like a bottle of fine wine, and looking at life much differently.
For instance: “we now break our Viagra in half,” because she said, “I just want to cuddle.”
Which I willingly oblige.
Tell me I am not sensitive.
Maybe I can get her some of that new underwear that is being made out of WOOD. Yes, I said wood, you are not reading it wrong. These environmentally friendly knickers and bra’s use fibers from white pine trees. There is no risk of splinters because the fibers are spun to create a silky-soft fabric. Non-Toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions. They are currently being sold in the U.K.
Almost too weird to be considered real, but it is.
The material has more microscopic holes for air circulation than polyester and twice the absorbance of cotton related items. The French designed rage of Europe are currently being marketed in Britain and being sold by a company named “BYnature.” It is being called g=9.8, which everyone knows is the scientific figure of the earth’s acceleration.
I guess they would be alright until the drunken loggers show up!
(no good huh?)
Okay, after me ……… “She’s having my baby, what a wonderful way to say you love me, she having my ……..”
Everyone? Everyone?
Happy Mothers Day.
***
cast aside like an old used rag
