Creative Endeavors

SOON TO BE FORECLOSED … MAKE AN OFFER.

Saudi Arabia said that it will increase production of crude this year if the market needs it. But the vague pledge fell far short of what the U.S. hopes were, I guess Dubya wasn’t that convincing? Back on your knees boys! (There is a related story on page #28 but it is the same old crap) Saudi Arabia cannot keep pumping sweet crude at these levels, they are unsustainable and if they have not peaked, they will in the future.

They are not our saving grace by a long shot.

Remember “the good ol’ days” when your old hoopie would not hold $25 worth of fuel, and now $50 won’t even fill it up. Recently Okie City Oklahoma finished “dead last” (-50) among U.S. cities in a study about areas best equipped to cope with rising fuel prices. I suppose some government agent drove thru town on a Saturday and counted all the Okies sitting on their front porches, some of them wailing softly in the warm summer air.

Rhode Island has recently passed a bill that makes hassling people via Email or threatening people via the Internet a felony. You flame someone on the net in Rhode Island and you could be looking at some jail time. They are calling it “Cyber-Harassment” which is the new politically correct word for “nasty or downright rude.”

On July 1^st it will cost more to get married in Vermont. Marriage licenses. which were previously $23 are going up in price, to $45 (almost doubled). Some of the new monies will be used to pay for Domestic Violence, which is certainly a new one, money collected for Heavenly Matrimony is now used to combat not so heavenly home lives.

Marriage is give and take, always has been. When I got married I learned how to laugh and how to cry. When I want to laugh, I just think of my sex life, when I want to cry, I just think of my sex life. And I saved $45 on top of it.  Can’t beat a deal like that.

Alabama’s Governor released the names and sources of $847,000 that he spent on his second inaugural. Must have been some party huh? Most of the money came from big corporations and lobbyists; I don’t suppose this will make a difference to the Republican Governor.

And I thought Oklahoma was bad.

Daddy can I have the jet? Before the tires have even cooled on the Big Bird, Connie now wants it to fly to Asia and Europe. One crew of home-wreckers gets home, and the second shift loads up and heads out, who says there isn’t any efficiency in Government these days.

She is going to Berlin, Tokyo, Seoul and China, her first stop is a Palestine donors conference in Berlin today. We are going to be helped out of our oil addiction by these people who seem to be pre-occupied in burning up a lot of it these days, flying all around the world.

Yesterday some bozo sent me a hurtful Email, don’t look for it in the comments section, I am still in control. I don’t think he would have done that, if he had known the facts. People of my breed (men) are sensitive animals.

Popular culture may paint men as the stronger sex, but from the moment a boy is born, his life is more likely than his sister’s to be cut short. Across national and cultural boundaries, men die an average of seven years earlier than women; the disparity in the United States is approximately five years. We don’t need the aggravation and/or irritation.

In a new book, Why Men Die First, Marianne Legato, a specialist in gender-specific medicine at Columbia University, explains: Men are genetically and biologically fragile to start with, and societal norms that encourage and even demand risky behavior by men put them at risk. Still, Legato told U.S. News, men and their families can push back. She listed numerous reasons why males die prematurely—and several actions they can take to prolong their time.

After reading this book this week, I believe I know what my own personal problem might be.

I wanted to be more feminist when I was in High School, but unfortunately, my boyfriend would not allow it. Now look where I am at? (Are you allowed to end a sentence with a preposition? Important questions and it isn’t even the middle of the week ..  What will I do - What will I do?)

AP is reporting that they have caught a female serial killer in Florida. Eight men. But she didn’t actually kill them outright. She gained access to their homes in the daytime when they were at work, and she hid all their remote control devices, so they killed themselves.

And they wonder why we die first?

000

Man, this bloggin’ stuff can really go to your head, can’t it?  I was out at the Mall this weekend and I heard ….. “Hey Look!  There’s Don Smith!” and all these people turned around and stared at me … I am never, ever going to yell that out again, that was embarrassing.

Kanab, Utah has come to their senses and are now going to allow Bikini’s at the Local Watering Hole and that is great.  Speedo’s are not however allowed (No banana slings in Mormon Country sorry) and you can read all about it here:  Bikini ban

Some of the finest people in the world live on my street; I have some of the best neighbor’s anyone could ask for.  Most of them are just great, one is a crotchety old **** but we won’t dwell on that (I just absolutely hate talking about myself). We often have in the cool of the evening, tail-gate get togethers in the front yard, sit on the end-gate of an old truck and shoot the bull. 

The other day on Father’s Day, I asked my friend and neighbor, “Why was it you and your wife, waited so long to have kids?”

He said … “One of the reasons I waited so long is because, when you go to Catholic high school, they pound into your head not to get anybody pregnant. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with them the rest of your life, and it’s against God’s will, and all that. So when I finally got my wife pregnant, I was almost embarrassed and ashamed, you know. I had to tell my parents, I’m sorry, but I got somebody pregnant.”

Which is, if you are in your right mind, absolutely ridiculous.  Today I found this:  Cheap Mexican Gasoline, you make the call. 

Lot of folks talking about moving downtown, escalating gas prices are driving people to move closer to work, all of a sudden, living close to the boss is a viable uncomfortable option.  Personally, I wouldn’t trade the clear stars for downtown street lights for anything. I don’t care what the price of fuel is.

We’ve got piece of mind. We’ve got safety out in my neck of the woods.  And you’ve purchased a property on the outskirts of town in the country; you have got the wonderful smell of that dairy air.

Middle of the Week …. Hammer Down … The Weekend is on the Horizon.

000

Women are just too darn complicated for the average Joe, we never seem to figure all of it out.  The wife has Mothers’ Day coming up. As usual I haven’t a clue as to what to get her, the girl in my life, my cup cake. I need to find something for my lover, my confidant, my parsimonious grocery shopper, the person who brings a smile to my well worn-down face. A face only a mother could love.

So I ask her, “Honey what is it that you would like to have this Mother’s Day?” and she contemplates this for a moment or two and then says …… “We could re-new our vows.”   And I got excited, I mean, like really excited, because I had mistakenly assumed or incorrectly thought, that this meant “that they had expired!” 

Turns out it is nothing like that, she meant she wanted to “reaffirm our vows.”  She’s my girl, my bride. Just the other day, she looked up at me and said, “Y’know honey, we have a marriage that was made in heaven.” I smiled my best toothy smile and replied, “Isn’t that where they make thunder and lighting?” (See … If you answer with a question, they can never gain control over the conversation. Remember that)

Our bonds, being traditional in nature, are strong. We are old school, monogamous and most likely to stay that way (until death do we part). Not like some of these “new relationships” I am always hearing about, we are rock solid and still in love, after all of it.

A man and a woman are eating lunch and she says to him, “I know about your affair and I know about your mistress, I saw you and her together the other day. I want you to stop right now.”  The man thinks about it a little and then says, “No. I am going to keep her.”

The wife then says, “If you don’t get rid of her, I will divorce you.”
Again the man thinks about it and he says, “No. I am gonna keep her.”

About that time a mutual friend of theirs walks into the restaurant and has a woman on his arm that is clearly not his wife. The wife says to her husband, “Who is that woman with Bob? That is not his wife.”

The man looks over and replies, “Aw, that is Bob and his mistress.”  The woman thinks about it for a little bit and then she says, “I think ours is much prettier, don’t you think so?”

Now I know that some of this might sound sexist, but it isn’t, as I have said before, “I like women and sometimes they like me.”

So naturally I want to find my woman something special on this day and present her with a small token of my affection. But I am a loss as to what to get a woman who already has everything. Both of us are fairly comfortable with each other, into our sixties now, aging like a bottle of fine wine, and looking at life much differently.

For instance: “we now break our Viagra in half,” because she said, “I just want to cuddle.”

Which I willingly oblige.

Tell me I am not sensitive.

Maybe I can get her some of that new underwear that is being made out of WOOD. Yes, I said wood, you are not reading it wrong. These environmentally friendly knickers and bra’s use fibers from white pine trees. There is no risk of splinters because the fibers are spun to create a silky-soft fabric. Non-Toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions. They are currently being sold in the U.K.

Almost too weird to be considered real, but it is.

The material has more microscopic holes for air circulation than polyester and twice the absorbance of cotton related items. The French designed rage of Europe are currently being marketed in Britain and being sold by a company named “BYnature.” It is being called g=9.8, which everyone knows is the scientific figure of the earth’s acceleration.

I guess they would be alright until the drunken loggers show up!
(no good huh?)

Okay, after me ……… “She’s having my baby, what a wonderful way to say you love me, she having my ……..”

Everyone? Everyone?

Happy Mothers Day.

***

To wait an Hour … Is long

If Love be just beyond

To wait Eternity … Is short

If Love reward in the end.

                                          Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Marge sat in the pew at the First Baptist Church, of Muskogee, and watched her husband of forty-two years, Harvey, blow his nose and then carefully, almost artfully, fold up the handkerchief and put it back into his pocket.  She looked at him and said, “Honey, after you blow your nose do you always fold up the handkerchief like that, fold it up perfectly, and then put it back in your pocket?” 

And he said, “Yes I suppose so, been doing it that way for years.”  Marge sat there, stunned just a little and perplexed.  Then she said to her husband of that many years, “Y’know, all this time I would be cleaning out your pockets and what have you, and I would run across those handkerchiefs, neatly folded up like that.  And I just naturally assumed that you had not used them and I put them back into the drawer on your chest in the bedroom.”  Harvey just smiled and said, “Well, that explains why after all these years, I never was able to get my glasses clean!”

You ever hear a song on the radio and say to yourself, “Gee, I wish I had written that.” Or something along those lines.   Rascal Flatts has a song out like that, it is called “One More Day.”  Every time I hear that song, I think of someone, I think of somewhere, a time, and a place.  And then I smile, music has that effect on me. 

My bride, Cup Cake, looked at me yesterday with those big brown eyes, eyes that a guy could just get lost in, and said, “You make me smile, despite it all.”  And I just gave her my best toothy grin and said, “Yeah? (Then I walked off into the other room and wondered what in the ____ does that mean?) 

You see, we are men, and we don’t have a clue, we don’t know diddly when it comes to the emotional side of life.  The majority of the time we are checked out.  No one home.  We just “fake it.”  You girls pay attention, I run a serious risk of horse whipping or could possibly suffer other severe penalties for giving up these manly secrets on the page like this. I could very well be riding out of town on a rail by six O’clock tonight!  When you rattle the bars on the cage of the beast, it can quite often be a dangerous and stupid thing to do. 

One more day of marriage, another day sharing your life with someone and I guess that isn’t all that appalling.  Tad bit confusing at times, but not necessarily a bad thing.  So you adjust your attitude and forge on.  Everybody loves a lover, I am a lover, and everybody loves me. 

There could be a nugget of truth in here somewhere, just keep digging.

Cold and windy outside today, wind is howling like some kind of wild banshee out of the north.  Another one of those Oklahoma Memory Makers, that is what I call them.  (Unforgettable days and I am not talking indescribably delicious like the candy bar)  One of those I got dust in my eyes and I wanna die moments of spring.

A day when even a dog would be better off inside, the penalty or the price we have to pay for spring.  That luscious wonderful time, just before the tornado’s arrive, the time of new life, the precursor to summer heat and a harvest of plenty.  The Red Buds are in full bloom and my eyes quickly fill with pollen.  Spring is the time of the year when a man’s fancy naturally tends to drift toward what I call “lighter things.”   

A time or a season when he leans towards affairs of the heart, when his gruff manly features, sort of melt away and the soft side of his being emerge for but a short while.  A time of Easter Bunnies, fresh litters of puppies, and new beginnings.    

Okies, boogers, memories, and springtime, it just caint git any bettern’ this. 

My life feels so circumspect here in the moment.  Life has been very good to me, my wife loves me, half-box of Cheerio’s in the cabinet, cup full of milk … Man, I got it made.   

Sitting here in a pair of well worn pajama bottoms, my very favorite Virginia City, Nevada, T-shirt, and a pair of house slippers.  I am into my uniform of the day, doing my Hugh Hefner wanna-be best, to kick back and take it easy.  Bring on the girls!  But break the Viagra in half, because I am just in the mood to “cuddle” this morning.

To be loved and appreciated is a wondrous thing.  Life is so sweet.  Step out of your comfort zone today, find someone and just hug the fizz out of ‘em … do it because you LOVE THEM and of course, because it is spring! 

***