Not Raising Hogs

Dear Secretary of Agriculture Schaefer,

As I understand it, the secretary of the money in the government, a Mr. Paulson, is giving out loads of the stuff, and I can use a little myself.

So I am applying to the government for some of this money they are passing out in Washington these days.

Me and the Miss’es has recently come upon some hard times, we borry’ied a bunch of money from the bank for a chicken farm and all the chickens died.  I am pretty sure that we had them planted too deep and now we is in hard times agin. Now for some reason, the dad-gum banker isn’t returning my calls and we think he is a might unfriendly to us, so we are turning to y’all for assistance.

My friends, Daryl and Janice, over in Muleshoe, Texas, received a check the other day for $1,000.00 from the government for NOT raising hogs.  So I want to go into the “not raising hogs business, and get me some of that money too.”

What I want to know is in your opinion, what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.  I would prefer to not raise razor back hogs that is a good breed to not raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I am not raising.  If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 animals, can I get $2,000 for not raising 100?

I have plans to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 not raised hogs per year, which I figure will give me about $80,000 per year the first year.

Then I can buy me an airplane and maybe a new Pollan chainsaw.

Another thing.  These hogs I will not raise, I plan on not feeding them at least 100,000 bushels of corn, are there any subsidies available in the methanol program?  I understand that you are paying farmers for NOT raising corn and wheat too.

Could I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs that I am not going to raise?  I would like to get signed onto this program also, and of course, as soon as possible as this seems like a very good time of the year not to grow corn and wheat or not to raise hogs.

At this time we are giving serious consideration to entering into the not milking cows business as well.  So if you could, please send me any information on that also.

In view of these above circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed. So therefore, I would like to apply or file for unemployment compensation at this time also, and if you could, throw in some of them thar food stamps, that would be nice too.

Be assured, you will have my vote in the coming elections (that is … If’n you really need it). Me and the Miss’es are members of the Republican Party, can we git some information on these fund raising dinners too?


George W. (CropDuster) Benton

Crawford, Texas.