Dirty Yellow Dawg Democrat in The Slow Lane ….

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Oklahoma Indians are advertising their casino off the Interstate (Remember when they sat on the side of the road and sold you their trinkets?  Those days are long gone).  “Luck has no limits, a winner every seven seconds.”  Is how the sign reads.  So if this is true (which I sincerely doubt) why do we have all these expressions in our social vocabulary?

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.

I did.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal. Continue reading

She’s God’s Problem Now

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A young preacher was preaching his first funeral for an old Farmer whose wife had died.  In the distance, dark ominous storm clouds started to obscure the sunlight on the horizon.  He again looked down to his bible and continued on with the service. 

The farmers’ wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the young pastor and calmly said, “Well, I think it is safe to say … she’s there.”

Spent most of the weekend here at the house, quietly doing research on my family tree.  Surprisingly I did discover, quite by accident, that some of my ancestors did swing from trees.  No they were not monkeys’ they were horse thieves in Kentucky.  

There is also a rumor floating around on FaceBook that “I am going to hell.”  Which is certainly not how I see it.  I have not ventured outside at all, in the first three days of the New Year.  Today was the first day out for me, that implies that I live a stationary (and often quite boring) lifestyle to me.  On top of all this, I have recently been diagnosed with “Anal Glacoma” which is a disease in older folks, where you cannot see your A** going anywhere soon.

Now here is something scary.  A new study found that more than 11 million people have quit Facebook in the last three years.  And unfortunately, none of them were your parents.

Wife sent me on a grocery run today.  I was at the checkout counter and the young girl looked at me and said “Paper or Plastic?”  I smiled and said, either one, I am bi-sackual.

She didn’t get it.

Also went to Lowe’s today for some items, noticed most of the workforce there is now different.  Much older crowd wearing the vest these days.  It appears they are no longer enforcing drug testing and have switched to Prostate Exams instead.  Wife sent me over there to get a shower massager thingy they had moved all of the shower stuff and I could not locate it then this little honey said to me, “Sir can I help you locate something?”

So I told her, “Yeah.  Shower massagers.”

She took me to them and then said, “Do you know what type you are looking for?”  And I said, “Nah.  She just said to get one that was soft, medium, and who needs a man?”  The assistant’s face turned a little red and she walked away.

I guess she didn’t get it either.

If you are on the highway this Holiday Season, here is how you can tell you have entered into the Sooner State … Oklahoma.  The wife gets cranky.  The kids start fighting in the backseat.  You feel the urge to siphon some gas.  Strange, but somehow I just know that you are all sitting there and snickering and saying “he is just making all of this up!”

Here is the nitty gritty boys and girls … I live here. 

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You have to be a little bit nuts to live here with the weather and all, then there is the political climate too.  Right now as you read this, “our elected morons are considering a law to make the wearing of a hoodie while committing an illegal act … Illegal.  And the fine is going to be $500.”

I hope you enjoy this day and of course your opinion is always welcomed.

As long as it agrees with mine.

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Missing Sis …

Elaine Bishop

Today, this morning, I am thinking about my little sister.  She died last spring, she was 65 years old at the time, and her heart just gave out, and suddenly she was no longer with us.  This is the first Christmas her family will have to endure, without her presence my heart goes out to them.

We grew up in a dysfunctional family, Elaine used to joke about it, she would say “We put the FUN in dysfunctional” and blow it off.  I would like to say we were good buddies and never fought with each other, but that would not be true.  We had our up’s and down’s, we mixed it up from time to time.

Today I do not dwell on the negative, I think of the joy, the positive things that she gave so freely to me in life.  The times we would both lie down in front of the heater in the hallway, to get warm on winter days, until Dad ran us off, to get dressed for school.  The times we walked together to school.  Watching her work so hard on her tap-dance routines.  Grabbing white socks out of our Dad’s sock drawer and enjoying “race and slide” episodes on the hardwood floor in our parents house.

Laying down on the bench at the kitchen table, and writing our names on the bottom side, with greasy fingers.  Used to come home from school and sit down to a bowl of Cheerio’s and Archie and Veronica comic books.  She was crazy about cinnamon toast, often I would load them full of sugar, put them on the broiler and cook some up for her.

When I got into trouble (which was frequently) I got grounded for the rest of my life, she on the other hand, got a couple of days, and then the restriction was mysteriously lifted.  She was the apple of my Dad’s eye.  She asked me to take care of a guy who was bullying her at school, so I searched him out, and had a talk with him.  His Dad came down to our house, to have a talk with my Dad, about me, and it heated up, so Dad punched him out thru the screen door! 

Life on Mocine Ave in the fifties … how quaint.

In 1964 I left home and more or less never looked back.  I was in Viet Nam when she had her first kiss, got married and later on started her family.  Which ended up being four wonderful boys.  Later on in life, we were not close, seldom communicated with each other and lived, for the most part, in separate worlds.  Tried several times to bridge the gap, sort of speaking, but it always failed to hit the mark, it did not happen.

Now she is no longer here, and I cannot pick up a phone and call her, nowhere to mail her a card, we cannot visit … She is gone.  A small part of my heart has been ripped out, and the ever present hurt took its place. 

Every now and then we would as a family, make a trip across the bay to San Francisco.  I remember a time sitting on a hill by the Golden Gate and watching a ship sail off onto the horizon, and eventually out of my sight.

Thinking about it, I realized one simple fact.  Although it was now gone from me, it was just now appearing to someone on the other side of the ocean.  Such is the case with my Little Sister, when she died, she slowly started disappearing from my life, but at the same time, she was just now appearing to her Lord and Savior.

This Christmas, right now, I really miss her. 

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If you wish to read a little more,

here is the eulogy her best friend gave at her memorial service.

Good News …

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Just got off the phone with the doctor, and he gave me some good news for a change.  He said my recent round of poking and prodding produced nothing of a significant nature and that I am okay.

Which after what I have been thru here lately is definitely a boost for me.

With six visits to the ER in the last two years and the operating room twice, it has taken a toll on the fuel fund, let me tell you.  Now I can sit back and take it in, one day at a time, without so much as a hint of anxiety.

So there is good news and there is bad.

First the good, the prognosis is great for a change, which is a most welcome relief. Now the bad, it appears that I am going to be around a little while longer.

So here is the game plan boys & girls … I plan on increasing my sarcasm by a measure of at least 18% and today I am going to town to celebrate with a BLT.

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You Have Mail …

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Recently when Sony Corp. was hacked and embarrassing emails were leaked, it occurred to me that this could be the best thing to happen to this generation of conversation-challenged people. If sending a colorful, conversational or nasty email becomes a danger, then perhaps they will all have to start talking again. Me? I am not apologizing for nuthin, why should I start now.

Believe it or not, in Korea they are referred to as “The Tribe That Looks Down” because of their obsession with electronic devices.

Yesterday was National Chocolate Day, a day set aside for you to cover with Chocolate anything your heart desires. Please ladies, if you did take a picture of Harvey in his chocolate covered banana sling from Fredericks Of Hollywood, don’t post any pictures of it on FaceBook.

Turbulent time in the City of Angels … The family calls the police, they state that their brother is out of control and acting crazy. The police show up, the brother then attacks them with a hammer, the police shoot the brother and he dies. Now the family is all up in arms because they wanted the police to help their brother not shoot him.

So let me see, if you are cop and someone comes at you with a hammer, you are supposed to just stand there and take it?

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One more, a little bit closer to home and I am outta here.  Norman Oklahoma, “Police this morning discovered a body, wrapped in chains, hanging in a tree.” Foul play is suspected … Gee, do you think so?

Discover Channel interviewing a convict who killed his entire family and set the house on fire … “Why did you do it?” asked the interviewer.  Convict replies, “Well, they was all home.”

Thank God for prisons.

Let me know if you did not get the email.

All Tanked Up

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Looking down and checking the gauges and everything looks normal, volts are up, temps are down and the fuel gauge just a notch off of full.  Reaching over to the dash, I grab a fresh stick of bubble gum out of the pink carton which is lying on top of the Flyin Hooker fuel card next to my wallet.

Suddenly a wave of sadness rolls over me like a hot summer breeze.  All summer long I have been spoon feeding the fuel card, a hundred here, fifty there, give up a couple of twenties and now there it lies.

Like a three day old dead fish.  Spent.  Empty.  D.O.A. at the next pump it finds.  The needle wiggles a little just under “full” and we head west.

Fortunately the weather is nice, not a lot of wind, lite traffic.  Caffeine Free Diet Coke in the drink tray and a fresh stick of gum, I am good for a hundred miles at least.  Nothing like a full tank, groceries in the box, and the road she calls to me like a lover in the dark.

Today is much better than yesterday, yesterday was a little shop of horrors and not a whole lot of interstate fun.  First the left lane was shut down in fifteen hundred feet for what appeared to be “no reason at all.”  Then some idiot freight hauler who very much intent on getting into the lane I was occupying pushes his way into my world.

So I let him in, this monkey fresh outta the truck driving academy.  Where they taught him how to double clutch (not, most freight haulers are running air shift/automatic’s these days) showed him how to jack-knife and bump the dock (again … most likely will leave it in some company lot) and cheerfully assigned him a super secret CB Code name (which also doesn’t make sense because he is gonna be on a cellphone most of the time).

He comes over without so much as a thank you.  Don’t you just hate it when everyone wants to play “Who has the best insurance.”

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Now the road funnels down to what I call “kind of skinny,” a hard concrete barrier on the right. Backing down on the throttle, I ease over to the left and start taking my fair share out of the middle.   Which is not making me a lot of friends in the trucking community behind me at the time.

Some would consider this maneuver a little bit rude at best, but there is a valid reason.

The last time this happened, I tried to be a “good buddy” and share it all with them, and they in turn tried to bully me into the concrete barrier which we all know is not a good deal.  So now, I take my share out of the middle, I meet the legal limits for construction areas and if they do not like it, then I guess they can call someone about it.

But no, they would rather imply on the C.B. that my parents were never married (which I usually turn off early in the game anyway) and threaten me with mortal harm.  Meanwhile we just motor along and I think to myself … Are we having fun yet?

Eventually the road opens up, I signal a right turn and head into the Pokie Okie lane and three hard chargers come roaring by, and indicate to me that Old Eagle Buses are #1 this day in the Land of Enchantment.  I just smile and crank up the CD Player.

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Six O’clock PM … I need to hunt some parking, wife wants to watch Dancin’ With The Stars  and I am gonna cop me some rest.  I am so glad that VISA raised my limits and my therapist changed my anxiety meds, this is gonna be the best Christmas yet.

Have a good weekend, watch them right handers.

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Martian Chronicles II

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Last Friday NASA successfully launched a rocket into space some 36,000 miles and then deployed an unmanned capsule back to earth and retrieved it.  Quite a accomplishment indeed.  We are not known for the “stability of our rockets” and have been using Soviet equipment for several years. Last Friday was the first time this has been (successfully) accomplished in some four decades. 

Now once again the hot topic is Mars, we as a nation have set our sights on the Red Planet.

For as long as I can remember, we have been shooting these rockets off, using acre’s and acre’s of radio transmission antenna’s in New Mexico, beaming contact information to the deep reaches of space. 

We have even sent satellites to distant planets playing the Rollin Stones and enclosed all kinds of information in a effort to reach other universe societies and their inhabitants.

This could be a very dangerous thing for mankind (as we know it). 

First, any signal that we send out, could in fact attract an alien civilization that is far superior to our own.  It could invite colonization of our planet and worse, extinction and utter destruction of our species.

Bad news for people who are geared to the bible too.  It would wreak havoc with that.  In layman’s terms, it would upset man’s central core belief in creation, whether these aliens are creature like (similar to man) or primitive life forms.   Just finding a fossil or a DNA strand from these people/creatures would be mind boggling to say the least.

For a number of years, I worked graveyard shifts on the Railroad.

On some nights we saw things in the night sky, that were unexplainable (UFO’s call ’em what you want) which were quite mysterious in nature.  It is my genuine concern that if one of them does decide to “stop by and visit.”

I am really hoping they are friendly.

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I WANT TO ROAM

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Third day of persistent fog, you would think we are in London or something.  Anywho, I am tired of it.

Lack of sunshine has a tendency to change my outlook on life.  Always has and I suppose it always will.  I could use a little sunshine, a little less Christmas Muzak, and a stiff belt of something.

Another thing is I am not getting outside much, getting so fat, this spring I will be able to sell shade at our annual garage sale.

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Came out here to check on the space heaters, do not want to have to buy a water pump like I had to do a couple of years ago.  I am looking at the old hoopie and it has my juices flowing, I want to get out on the road and fly!

To roam at will … I want to be westbound and down, six on the floor, the other foot out the door, in the smart aleck lane, styling down the boulevard.

Aint gonna happen.

Before gainful employment corrupted my life, I used to delight in long solo drives back to the Midwest to check up on the Rust Belt of America. Now I find that I am relegated to writing letters to the editor, to have them edited for content, brevity and perhaps, temporary insanity.

Reading E-mails from AT&T that state: “Your telephone bill is ready; please check online at” ……. as if I was anxiously expecting that and/or waiting in great anticipation for it.

Or …. “In order to register your new domain name, it will be necessary for YOU to provide US with this, and that, yadda-yadda, blah-blah.  Soon the kids will be here to collect their Christmas lucre and that one kid will say something like:  I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?”  The little prince of scratch n sniff, he is my favorite one of the bunch.

Guess I will slink back in there and watch a little TV. 

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.  One last thing, “The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. … Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.”

C’mon Sunshine!

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Daddy’s Toddies …

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One of the things I really enjoy or look forward to this time of the year is Egg Nog.

Super Sweet and Ice Cold as it slowly slinks its way down my throat to my stomach, it often triggers an emotion of … well … it is just good stuff.  Being a diabetic I am not allowed this luxury of life, and it is not good for me, which means I have to sneak it in the house in a brown paper bag, and hide it in “MY” refrigerator.

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(By the way … Every man should have his own refrigerator, put that on your list for this year)

Unfortunately sometimes in life, we often unknowingly consume things or liquids that are not good for us. Here is an example:  It was a bad week to be a manager at Applebee’s in Michigan. The restaurant has apologized for serving a toddler tequila other than apple juice.

His mother said she knew something was amiss when her 15 month old son started saying “Hi and Bye to the walls” and that he eventually laid his head down on the table.

The poor kid was later found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.10 which would make him legally drunk in a lot of states if he were driving.

Applebee’s has promised a full investigation, this should come before the court case and the litigations.

I know this is a serious thing, don’t get me wrong.

Like I said, this time of the year it kind of reminds me of Egg Nog, and my dad, who was an alcoholic. When we were small children, he would make my sister and I “Hot Toddies” (Egg Nog, Jack Daniels, Cinnamon, warmed and served in a small decorative glass) at Christmas time.

We (my sister and I) didn’t know the drinks had booze in them, and they were sweet and tasted simply wonderful. So when this adult role model freely offered us this sweet, warm elixir from the dairy heartland, we lapped it up.

As small dinkers, we just assumed they were “part of the Christmas tradition” in our home. We didn’t know our dad was getting us swacked.

Mom would come home from work and exclaim, “Jeeze Loren, the kids sure seem to be in a good mood?” and he would shrug his shoulders and say something like … “Aw, it’s Christmas, you know how they get.”

Most of my family are now gone and the Holidays often do not represent a happy time for me personally. If your family unit is well and intact, treasure the time you have to spend with them.

As MasterCard is so fond of saying … “That is priceless.”

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