Michael Chin is flying home for his 25th high-school reunion, it has been a long time since he left his native land for a new life in the Silicon Valley. He is looking forward to seeing one or two of his old flames, his school buddies, looking forward in anticipation of making new connections.
Man-man, here it is the first of a brand new month, time for more verbal intercourse with the whore of the Internet. Another indictment of public education from the Blond headed kid who sat in the back of the room, writing YOUR NAME on his notebook and you never even noticed.
So, what should we discuss this day? Good News – Bad News – Is “Double Jeopardy” really all that noteworthy?
This holiday season give the gift that keeps giving.
If you were one of million of people planning on flying home today so you could return to work … Most likely is not gonna happen as more than 3,000 flights were cancelled or have been delayed across the U.S.
There will be a short delay …
The Captain will make an announcement soon
In case of an emergency water landing your seat will turn into a floatation device
Uh huh, yeah sure.
A man was shot in L.A. this weekend after wielding a steak knife at an officer
Small child was gunned down after pointing a toy gun at a cop
I got a ticket for “No Seatbelt” which is stoopid, I had the belt, I just wasn’t wearing it.
Cover me … I am gonna change lanes.
Brown Thursday … Black Friday … And now Cyber Monday.
Stop the world I want off.
For the first time in something like 200 years, a Pope is resigning and throwing in the towel. Two books on the subject say that “the internal politic’s of the church” are the main culprit and that the stress and strain of dealing with it on a daily basis is why the Head Man In Charge is stepping down.
Too many cooks will often spoil the soup, is what my Mama used to say, and it appears that all this negative influence has pulled the man down. Details can be found here.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
There was a woman who was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.” The hairdresser responded: “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
Not to be deterred the woman getting her hair done responded: “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a touchup on her hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?” the hairdresser asked. The woman getting her hair done replied … He said: “Who ****** up your hair?”
Uh, no good huh? Well whadya expect for free?
Try this one on for size.
A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.
Now please consider this: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is estimated to be 80,000,000. (Yes, that’s 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188 Statistics courtesy of FBI
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember that … “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.”
So here is the bottom line, where the rubber meets the road:
Not everyone has a gun … But … Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! *
*Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention … (sorry Larry)
REACH OUT AND BUG SOMEONE: Went to the telephone store yesterday. I look at the kid and say, “My telephone bill is five dollars high this month, can you tell me what is going on?” he says, “Let me see your bill.” I say to him, “they don’t send me a bill, they do it all electronically.”
So we walk over to the computer and I give him all of my identification and the name of my first born male child, we are off and running. He says to me “Here it is. You had 12 photographs at .50 cent each.”
Now as our kid is really proud of his kids, and sends pictures of the youngest standing next to a trash can all of the time. Some months ago, I had this feature disabled on my phone (along with text messaging at the same time) or at least I thought I had this covered. I am not supposed to get photo’s or text, I am just supposed to get telephone calls for new storm windows, carports, septic tank pumping, miracle weight loss cures, stuff like that.
I tell him this, the nice kid, who still has lipstick on his cheek where his mother kissed him good-bye this morning.
He offers me nothing. So I say to him, “I never got any pictures, this has to be a mistake.” He says, “Let me see your phone” and he looks for the pictures that I received that are clearly not there, and this shrugs his shoulders and says, “Must be some kind of glitch.” He removes the charge and gives me a credit, which doesn’t really put anything back in my bank account, so we may or may not be done with this issue, I am not sure.
I then ask him, “How about these junk telephone calls, am I being charged for them?” and he says, “No.” I ask him, “so I am not charged for them even if they leave a message on my voice mail?” He says, “Oh that is different. If you open your voice mail and listen to the message, then you are charged for the call.”
Hmmmmm, “this means, that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t, wouldn’t you say?”
He smiles, and says … “Yes sir. That is about it.” Nice kid, most likely will be some kind of politician one of these days.
FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES: I live in what they call a “Fly Over State” and see a lot of aircraft in the sky. Have you ever wondered how many airliner’s are flying above this country at any one given time? The numbers are clearly amazing, it would astound you. I often look up at see the contrails in the sky and wonder where it is they are going and why so many of them are up there. Here is a link, you can check it out for yourself.
The technology of this site amazes me. Lot of interesting data can be found. I clicked on one that said it was Air Force One and I found a shot of Mr. Obama’s aircraft on its first pass over Texas, you can see it here.
EIGHTY-NINE CENT PIE: We are at the Root N Scoot, I have to buy my lottery tickets for the game on Tuesday. I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I would not mind smelling bad. Anyway, this gal, all decked out to the nines in jewelry and stuff, bling-bling (I don’t know if it is real or fake, but it looks nice) walks up to the counter, lays down a .89 cent pastry. No big thing, right? Then she pulls out a credit card and pays for the pastry with the card. Now here is the rub, she walks outside and get into a Lexus SUV. What is wrong with this picture Boys n Girls? Sort of like this thing one of our readers sent to me this week:
This is kind of hard to read, here is what it says: “A woman said she noticed her purse missing from her car just before 5P.M. Sunday. The car was parked at her residence on Hornet Drive. The woman said the car had been locked, and her purse was in the back seat. the purse was valued at $400, the wallet was valued at $200, and cash in the purse was reported to be $800. Also missing were the woman’s Food Stamp Cards.”
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.
ALL TANKED UP: Subject: New gasoline coming to your gas station. Folks pay real good attention to this one. Those friendly folks at the EPA (which stands for Exxon Prostitutes, whores and a**holes) all those unelected buddies, we have in the government have come up with a new wrinkle to get you out of your car. Watch this video about E15 gas if you have a car older than 2012. There is a link to the story on Fox News, but if you go to that link, surprisingly the video and information is “missing.” Hmmmmmm? Over on Utube you can find it all.
This move by the oil companies and the government together is in your best interests. You see as we all slowly digress to a nation that produces nothing but debt, if we do not have an ample supply of doctored up gasoline (which insures our sucking off the petroleum tit for the next 100 years easily) we will not be able to deliver pizza’s to each other and get them to the house while they are still warm.
Is this statuetory rape? Or is it just a moosedemeanor?
(Stop laughing! This is serious.)
Now I am off to the tireshop. They put four new tires on my car last month to the tune of almost $700 and the right-front will not hold air for some reason. I just can hear it now … “Have you been running your car with the ignition turned on? This could affect the outcome of your final billing Mr. Smith.”
“What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job.”
Just returned from the Multiple Personalities seminar downtown, I was down there all day (was in charge of the name tags) and of course I took everyone with me, and still, I don’t think we made many new friends. Sometimes life is just so dog-gone unfair.
If anyone is wondering? The results from the recent poll, “Are you any better off now, than four years ago?” are now in.
- 10% said that they were better off.
- 10% said that they were somewhat better off.
- A resounding 80% said that they were worse off.
Now here is the really sad part, daily viewing of this site on that particular day was well above 250 views, but only 9 people bothered to vote. What does that tell you about polls and voter apathy in this country. Perhaps the only hope for America is just Divine hope?
It might be high time for a supreme being, surely something with superior intelligence, to step in and take a firm hand to straighten out this mess. I see where all the candidates say they believe in God in some form or another, so that is a good start.
Here is a novel idea for a poll this week: “You are getting a chance to briefly shake Obama’s hand after a speech in a couple days. You will have 3-4 seconds to say anything you want to him. What should you say or do? What could you say that would not get you tackled by the Secret Service” (As always comments is open, take a shot at it)
No good huh?
Okay how about the race card, or shall we call it the Biden Boner of the Month, his admittedly outrageous warning to a largely a black audience when he said that Mitt Romney “is going to put y’all back in chains.” Yes he really said that, and yes, this is the 21st century (last time I looked).
And I thought George Bush said stoooooooopid thangs?
What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job. Looks like my apparent disdain for lawyers is surfacing again (Hillary was a lawyer I believe).
A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.
Monday Morning … Just thinking outside the box again, and yes I know, it often gets me into trouble. Which in my case, often makes life a little bit more interesting.
See you at the water-cooler.
Winter storm rolled thru here this weekend, and it has snapped off cold, bitter cold. This time of the year always has me thinking of warmer climes, Florida, The Caribbean, Phoenix or any place over 55*F.
As I don’t feel like making any more contributions to the Oil Executives Retirement Fund (Big Oil) I am surfing the net and staying home. Found this today, if you like warm weather and smooth looking women this is eye candy for you: Hollywood Beach Bod’s.
Always something good at ABC News.
Fred Smith has a problem.
Things in Batavia, Ohio are not going his way. Fred suddenly realized that the $1,200 in cash he had been saving for his Christmas gift was missing. Grabbing his jacket out of the closet, he found that the money, all of it, was gone. This panicked Fred as he recalled, and all of a sudden he did not know what to do.
Fred Smith of Batavia, Ohio is not having a nice day.
A logical turn of events to Fred was to call, each and every single place that he had been in recent days. No soap. But God watches over us they say, and it turns out his cash was safe and sound at a little place called Walt’s Barbecue.
His waitress, Tricia Ayers had found the money in an envelope on a a table and turned it over to her boss. Fred Smith is a lucky guy, I lost the very same amount in the parking lot of a local mall one Christmas ($1,240.00) and no one held it in safe keeping for me.
Here is another one for the books.
As a high school sophomore in 1976, Jimmy Colson brought a 1923 Peace dollar, a 1897 Morgan dollar, and a 1903 Indian head penny to school to show his friends. But the coins were stolen that day from his locker.
Thirty-four years later, Colson found an envelope in his mailbox in Greensburg, Indiana, containing the three coins along with an anonymous apology. It read, “Took it out of your locker some 30 years ago.” Signed “Sorry, dumb kid.”
It would always make me wonder, who it was, their mindset at the time, and of course, I would like to tell them thanks.
You ever wonder how old a man has to be to father a child? Well, it appears that it is possible to father a child way up there. This morning during a lull in the festivities I found Nanu Ram Jogi, 90, world’s oldest new father . Having a child when you are in your nineties, is proof positive that children are God’s punishment for enjoying sex! The last thing I am going to want in my life at ninety (assuming I actually make it to ninety) is an infant.
In my case, having given this “fatherhood late in life question” some serious thought, this is what I came up with. “If we are to have a child at this late stage in life, he or she as the case may be, will have to be born 18 years of age, as he or she as the case may be, is going to have to go to work right away.”
Here is something to look forward to in the New Year. How about 11 new fee’s added to your airline ticket? Did you know that the airlines are currently collecting $700 million dollars per MONTH in fee’s. Here are a few of the new one’s they are considering.
Talking to a service rep at the counter, fee.
Changing the name on the ticket, fee.
Charging your ticket on a credit card, fee.
And my all time favorite, going to the bathroom on the aircraft, fee.
Now I hear you smirking and giggling, but it is true, I read it on the internet.
Ohhhhhh my gosh! Facebook went viral. The rumor that it is going to shut down, has people rushing to download their photo’s and treasures from the public medium before the March 15th deadline or as some say, “The end of the world, Species Ending Event for social networking.” Thru it all, one thing, mystifies me. I find it some curious that Facebook itself, has not responded to the rumor. What it is all about.
I am now off to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of Tropicana orange juice and then I am going to sit here in my Easy Boy recliner and think more gooder thoughts about Jane Krackos and of course, warm things.
You figure it out.
By The Numbers
In the wake of Barack Obama’s election as president a record number of American’s are optimistic that relations between blacks and whites in America will improve. 67% said racial problems would eventually be worked out, while 30% said race would always be a problem in America, and the remaining 3% in the swamps of the Everglades could not be reached for comment.
By a margin of 55% to 37% most are Americans are not confident that Iraq will be successful in developing a stable and “reasonably democratic” government. A significant number of Americans, 37% still believe that Iaq was in possession of weapons of mass destruction when the U.S. invaded in 2003.
Sign Here and Trust Me
Hong Kong – Asia’s richest woman allegedly gave away her multi-billion-US-dollar fortune to a Hong Kong feng shui master in return for a promise of eternal life. Nina Wang, who died of cancer last year at age 69, signed over her vast fortune to previously unknown feng shui master as a result of the promise, a lawyer quoted by the South China Morning Post said.
The claim was made by a barrister for the late billionaire’s charitable foundation in a preliminary hearing Monday to challenge the will. Well, I hope so, geeeze.
Phylis used to do that but they laid her off last year.
(Any resemblance to anyone living or dead named Phylis is purely coincidental. Lawyer boys said for me to put that in there … Hah!)
Phoenix Arizona – Arizonans who have lost their jobs will have to wait nearly a month to get their first unemployment benefits. Normal wait time is 10 days. The delays are because of a surge in applicants and a lack of workers processing claims. Last week, the state received more than 9,100 first-time unemployment claims, more than double in the same week a year ago.
Get Out And Pick Up Your Trash
Louisville, Kentucky – James Gissendaner, 47, said he gathered nearly 1,000 campaign signs that were incorrectly placed in state rights of way – such as the area between sidewalks and roads, or the medians separating traffic lanes.
The final batch of more than 300 signs, from Republican and Democratic candidates, went to a city facility that will hold them for 30 days then offer them back to the candidates. Also trash related, the Federal government reports that they pick up “nine times the national average in trash alongside Oklahoma Interstate highways” what does that tell you about the people that live in Oklahoma. Here is a clue …. “Oink-Oink.”
Three Years For Your Thoughts
Santa Fe, New Mexico – A jury found a Japanese man guilty but mentally ill in the stabbing of an English biologist who was speaking on “thought transference” during an international conference. The verdict requires the state to treat Kazuki Hirano, 34, if he is incarcerated. Hirano accused the victim of controlling his thoughts. Hirano faces up to three years behind bars.
No Happy Trails In Utah
Logan Utah – People aren’t the only ones to suffer in this lousy economy. Cache County has a growing population of abandoned horses because of tough economic times and the loss of horse processing facilities, according to equine experts. Utah State University veterinarian Kerry Rood said some owners mistakenly think an abandoned horse will adapt, but most horses are unable to find enough food.
New Math In The Sunshine State
Naples, Florida – The Collier County school district has replaced zero with 50 as the lowest score an elementary school student can get on an assignment. Officials said zeros are punitive and rarely reflect a student’s overall abilities. The union that represents most of the district’s teachers said the new scoring system undermines teachers’ credibility.
The last time Cup Cake and I had problems with “zero’s” was when that plumber came by, looked at the work to be done, and then whispered to the idiot kid assistant with him …. “Go out to the truck and fetch me some zero’s for this estimate.”
(Any resemblance to anyone living or dead who is or has been described as an idiot is purely coincidental)
Hide it in there somewhere … They won’t notice at all.
In case you missed this story in Creative Endeavors the other day, USA Today writes “Airlines last week eliminated or significantly lowered fuel surcharges for tens of thousands of domestic fares, but consumers are not paying less for most tickets. We have seen a tectonic shift in domestic airfares, but it’s not great news for consumers, because the major airlines have, for the most part, simply shifted the surcharge amount into the base airfare,” I swear it is almost as if they are reading my mind. Check out the full story online.
Now I am not a big fan of Sarah Palin, but writing articles on “her children s underwear?” C’mon, give me a break. That is just lame, downright lame. That isn’t news. What a crock that is. Link is here. Be sure to look at comment #2 it is a hoot. Today’s big story on the CNN Political line is how the Bush people sent out a Christmas card to a bunch of Jewish folks with a Christmas tree on it. (Which in some circles would be considered offensive) This is news?
Give us a break, find some news or just be quiet. How about an article on the ghosts that live in the White House, the fundead of Washington DC. Corpses who walk around at night with lampshades on their heads. Yeah that would be news.
Bad Roads … Even Badder News.
SEATTLE, Washington – Expect a bumpier drive. An asphalt shortage is delaying road maintenance projects in communities nationwide. Asphalt is becoming scarce as U.S. refiners overhaul their equipment to maximize output of highly profitable fuels such as diesel and gasoline, using inexpensive — and hard to process — .
Meanwhile rumors are circulating that Exxon has sent representatives nationwide to seek out old drive in theaters because the understand a lot of there was a lot of ass felt there in the eighties ….. Wait that is not right.
(Any resemblance to anyone living or dead who ever went to a drive in and in the backseat had their … Oh never mind!)
There you go … All the news that is fit to be in print, or causes fits in print.
You be the judge, I am now going to retire to the TV Room and wait on a “settlement” of my bird and my stuffing
A week after two America West pilots were fired for showing up drunk, a passenger was thrown off an America West pane in San Francisco when she jokingly asked flight attendants if they had “checked the flight crew for sobriety.” The airline said the woman’s’ remarks constituted a potential security problem. The president of the Air Travelers Association called it an abuse of authority, saying, “they ought to put up a big sign with an “H” with a slash through it. “No Humor Zone.” Because there is no joking allowed.
More related airline fodder
A Federal Task Force that wrestled nearly a year on ways to help passengers delayed for hours on planes parked on tarmacs around the country finalized its recommendations and here is the part you will like, “NONE OF THEM WILL REQUIRE AIRLINES AND AIRPORTS TO DO ANYTHING.” You waited a year for that? Working in the U.S. Government is kind of like forming a committee. Let’s all get together and pool our ignorance.
Do you want a peeper with that?
Here is a picture that Sonic Drive-In surely wishes they were not a part of. A manger of an Okie city Sonic was arrested for allegedly videotaping female employees in the restroom. An employee found the camera when it fell on her head (dog gone cheap duct tape!) I would say this is a very unfortunate incident for Sonic. Take heart dear reader, there are no public restrooms at Sonic.
Selling it off to fill up the tank
Americans are increasingly turning to pawnshops in order to generate cash for necessities. They are digging deep to save some money, selling off valuables and traveling less. As the recession looms and seems to be inevitable American spending habits seem to be changing. After years of free spending and a credit card frenzy they seem to be cutting back on all fronts. My credit is so good, “I cannot afford any more of it.”
Must be a terrible driver
My site has protected me from 14 auto insurance spam(s) this day, I must be a gambling bad driver from Oklahoma, that is all that is in my site these days, auto insurance and “learn how to gamble.” Hey I already know how to gamble, I am a tax-paying consumer living in Oklahoma.
Too many guys getting knocked up in America … this has to stop!
Barbara Walters said on The View this week that Thomas Beatie, aka, The Pregnant Man, is pregnant again. Walters’ special with Beatie is set to air on 20-20. Does Barbara Walters have one ounce of verfiable credibility left? Why are her and Oprah touting this as some kind of scientific breakthrough, it is pure BS. Proof again that television is nothing but a vast wasteland. When your Mommy is your Daddy how does that one go over at the bicycle rack at 3PM? What a way to cripple a kid for life, promiscuous men and the problems they present … Tonight on Channel #5 … Check your local listings.
And I thought Baracks House was bad.
Danbury Conn.- Police reported a melee early Saturday morning after a dispute over a karaoke song. Jefferson Gomez, 31, got angry because he thought the disc jockey at a restaurant skipped the song he wanted to sing, according to police. A fight broke out and the DJ was hit over the head with a beer bottle. Gomez and two of his friends were arrested.
Take a stab at this one … Eight years ago
A brilliant politician who was asking for your vote to become President said this: “We can have a next-stage prosperity where you don’t have to build your lives around a fuel source that is distant, uncertain and easily manipulated. We will demand and develop new technologies to free ourselves from gas-tank price-gouging, and we will sell those technologies to the world. We’ll build a new generation of fuel efficient vehicles – and then make it easy for families to afford them.”