It is not easy, sitting here, 24/7 writing all this, five days per week. No wait a minute, is that right? 531 words just for you, now tell me, “don’tcha feel kinda special. The PUMP-HOUSE GANG IS NOW LONG GONE, AS AS USUAL, IT WAS ALL ABOUT GRANDMA.
It is not easy, sitting here, 24/7 writing all this, five days per week. No wait a minute, is that right? 531 words just for you, now tell me, “don’tcha feel kinda special. The PUMP-HOUSE GANG IS NOW LONG GONE, AS AS USUAL, IT WAS ALL ABOUT GRANDMA.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the state trooper, and said, “What are you doing?” She replied, “I’m going to commit suicide.”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George got approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the state trooper, and said, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts! You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
(It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed)
SOME FOLKS HAVE ALL THE LUCK: Funny thing about luck, if you are dependent on it and really need a strong dose of it, chances are that it is not likely that will happen in your life. On the other hand, if you don’t need it, and are just kind of going thru life spinning your wheels, and everything is just fine, it will more than likely hit you like a thunderbolt. Take these folks in Georgia for instance, they have done it several times.
GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE SAYS YOUR ARE OVERPAID: Recently I read where a server at AppleBee’s Restaurants was canned for posting a receipt on the Internet of a cheap female pastor. I am a strong believer in leaving a tip for a waiter or waitress as the case may be for good service. If you want a real kick start on your week, leave your waitress a generous tip or pick up the tab on someone else’s meal.
Clearly (as I see it) there is something inherently wrong about this. I am also a strong believer or of the opinion that the Bible doesn’t stipulate anywhere that women should be pastors. But that is just my take on it. Anywho, (which is a word I am fond of that I also just made up) here is the case in point, you be the judge.
AH TO BE NINETEEN AGAIN: On some mornings, when I am sitting at the table, trying to gather it all up and get it together. I will watch this video, I just love her enthusiasm and her verve, she gets the job done too. Michelle Jenneke at the olympics.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could take every hurdle in life, and make small change of it as this girl does, and at the end turn around display a huge smile and give life a hug. That is what it is all about.
As I have been somewhat verbose this morning (another bad habit I should try to break), I will leave you with one parting thought.
“The greatest thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you have been.”
Please stop by and visit us again, and puh-leeze …. tell all your friends.
Greetings to you this miserable and somewhat cold after Thanksgiving Saturday. Let us hope that you are well and in good spirits this day and with family?
My grandmother, bless her heart, used to tell me as she was cleaning up the Thanksgiving table, “Hold on to your fork Donnie, the best is yet to come (desert).” It was one of those wonderful things that she said and did that I have kept in memory of her.
She is gone now, she went on to be with the Lord a long time ago, and although she has died and is no longer with us, I still think of her often.
So this week, I have hung onto the best until last, and today I thought I would share it with all of you.
I have been following a blog that I found interesting, it is entitled
“I didn’t see it coming and I don’t know when the process was finally complete. I shouldn’t be surprised. But here I am looking in the mirror, and there they are looking back at me. I don’t know why it scares us so much to look at our folks and say “that’ll be me some day”.”
Some time back I copped a link (following) and have been checking in from time to time to see what the offering might be. I must admit, I am seldom (if ever) disappointed. Here is a sampling for you.
Not Quite Quotes from I’ve Become My Parents:
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, you probably owe them money.
Do not dwell in the past…unless the present really sucks.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just that some beholders have better taste than others.
Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.Unless you prefer to stay married.
Honesty is the best policy. Unless you prefer to stay married.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Unless you prefer to stay married.
He who fails to plan, plans to marry someone who’s a better planner.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’ll slash your tires.
You snooze, you lose. But you’ll be well-rested so there’s that.
To err is human. To admit it is divine.
People who live in glass houses should not throw my grandmother’s fruitcake.
Time waits for no man. Except my son, over whom time has no control whatsoever.
Life is a give and take. I’ll give you my opinion and you’ll take it without question. ‘Kay?
Tis better to give than to receive fruitcake.
A rose by any other name still makes me sneeze.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by the obstacles he has put in front of his competition.
You can have my grandma’s fruitcake and eat it too. It’ll be at least a month before it’s digested.
People with kidney stones should not run in glass houses.
He who laughs last is probably alone because he’s so obnoxious that everyone else has left.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Unless the change has to do with diapers because that would be weird.
To each his own. Unless it’s chocolate, then you share with me.
Birds of a feather are pretty much the only kind of birds.
Don’t count your chickens before you decide what to have for breakfast.
Life is like a box of chocolates: there are always too many nuts.
Hey Early Bird, you can have the worm, just don’t wake me on your way out the door.
My personal favorite: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Unless your lemons are metaphorical; then you’re screwed. Sorry.
Might add one to the list: Friends don’t give friends fruitcakes.
If you have a little time on your plate today and you are still not full … trot over to I’ve Become My Parents for a taste of some good stuff. Make a visit today to this wordpress site … You won’t be disappointed.
When my bride is a little ticked off at me, she will make me a Tuna Fish Sandwich and give me a little “time to think about things in general.” Now I don’t make the mistake of ticking her off very much, but I will say this, “over the years, while rolling on a River Of Love, I have eaten an OCEAN full of Tuna Fish!” Me and my Big Mouth have personally kept the U.S. Tuna Association afloat for many, many years.
The oldest kid dropped by the other day and I am sitting on the couch, watching something, I don’t remember what it was, and he sits down next to me, glances over, observes me eating my sandwich and says …… “What did you do this time Dad?”
Now, that just isn’t fair. Not at all. I told him, “Maybe I like a Tuna Fish sandwich every now and then, you ever think about that?”
Yeah, uh huh, that is what I told that kid. (aint none of his business anyway)
My gas bill came this week, half English/Half Spanish. Kind of ticked me off. We got to talking about this speaking English only thing. The Oklahoma City Police Department now requires new recruits to be bi-lingual and we were discussing it. I feel it is job discrimination and should not be allowed. I also don’t believe it would not hold up under legal challenge in court. We have a large population of Asian folks living here, but I don’t remember a big push to require officers to obtain that particular language skill.
I am personally sick of it, this Spanish/English only issue, but he (my kid) wanted to talk about it so we did. When you take time to stop and look it over, it is kind of silly. England, Australia, they speak English, but they are not Americans. I don’t see a lot of other countries around the world, making an issue of “what language” they should be speaking? Just us. Might even go as far as to say we might be looking rather foolish in the eyes of the rest of the world because of it.
Personally, I don’t agree with any of it. My two cents says, “forcing our young people” to adapt to Spanish as a second language is wrong. But that is my own personal viewpoint.
We are, as most know, a melting pot nation, assimilated from different cultures and countries. It might pay to mention that when the Greeks, the Italians, the French, German, Russian, all of these other immigrants, the Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Irish and anyone else arrived here in this country, there wasn’t a concentrated effort put forth to adopt their respective languages.
What makes this a problem now is I guess “are the sheer numbers of one ethnic group” which are now amongst us. We are now the minority in this country, white, tax payers, most of us, speak English.
If some dumb A** political type wants me to learn Spanish, he (or she as the case may be) is flat out of luck. I am not. (I am to old, too lazy, and I have enough problems with English) Taking it one step further, I would venture to say, that I am in the majority when it comes to this, most American’s are not going to assimilate someone else’s culture and language. Contrary to popular opinion, it is just not the way we do things in this country.
If you show up at my garage sale and do not speak English, then you had best go find someone who does. If you cannot take my order at your business, then you lose the sale. If you cannot pay taxes and do not like it here, then go back where you came from.
Here is a novel idea, boldly assert yourself like you do here … Tell them what is wrong with their system, and see how you are treated.
Perhaps I am just getting old and cranky, but I am tired of all of it. It appears hopeless, it is far beyond immigration now, this is outright colonization. (When you come over, and then you bring the entire family over too, that isn’t immigration boys & girls, that is just the opposite) Blending in (assimilation) isn’t happening, changing of the culture, the society, even the country itself is.
As long as America appears to be the “El Dorado” (a place of fabulous wealth and opportunity) they are going to come. And like others before them, they will bring a “little piece of what they left behind with them.” Get used to it, it is here to stay. You cannot keep digging up a dead horse to see if it smells bad. It is time to move on.
Now if you will excuse me, I believe I have another Tuna Fish sandwich waiting on me in the kitchen. This time it’s that nasty old ugly toilet seat issue rearing its head again, but that is another post altogether.
Titles are often a hard part of blogging, what do you call something, that is just barely a whisper in your mind? Things are slowly returning to normal, on this, the last day of 2010. I see the most popular post is once again, “Bikini’s Why Men Are Pigs” is #1, which really blows me away. Why this one little post is so important, so popular, amazes me.
I read in the paper this morning that some idiot is suing WalMart for hitting a light pole in the parking lot. Hard to believe, but he is claiming that WalMart put it there as a hazard and it is causing him untold grief, blah-blah, yadda-yadda. You know these people who tie up the court systems with these blatantly frivolous lawsuits ought to have to pay a price for inconveniencing the rest of us.
Let say if you bring suit on a frivolous issue and the court, the judge or the jury decides it is a no brainer and throws it out, then you “automatically” should have to serve sixty days in the county jail. That would stop a lot of this non-sense.
I am sitting in the cafe this morning writing this on my laptop and the din is terrible. Even though I am tucked back into the farthest corner of the place, I can almost hardly hear myself think as my mother used to put it. It is not a noise of people celebrating the holiday or the beginning of the day, it is the noise of a foreign language being spoken. Here lately no matter where it is that I go, I cannot seem to escape it.
Let’s face it, if you are not fluent in any language other than English, then all of this in the background, breaks down to noise, nothing else.
Most likely it will get worse before it gets better, we have it seems, turned over the keys to our house to the invaders and they are outnumbering us about three to one. Just this week I came across a blog that had a poster on it that said, “Get rid of the I word” that word being illegal.
Immigrant is an “I” word, and this year, 55,000 to 60,000 new people will be allowed into the United States “legally.” It is even being suggested now in some circles, that those of us who are only proficient in English would benefit by learning a second language (Spanish). No one blends in anymore, we are no longer the “melting pot” nation. These days if you come to America, you do your best to make it a satellite of the place you recently left. And to make matters worse, our elected officials make it easier to do this year by year.
You can however take solace in the fact that you are not alone. Canada our neighbor to the north is paying the price for a huge flaw in their immigration policies. That’s due to generous support for family reunification, the country is now being overrun by immigrants who’t can’t speak English or French.
Anyone who marries a Canadian can get in. As a result, a scandalous spousal industry” has sprung up, enticing desperate Pakistanis or Somalis to pay their entire fortunes in dowry money to get their children into Canada.
After the kids get in, then the aged parents are then brought to Canada “ not because of family concerns, but because the parents will collect old-age pensions. The United States has a similar policy, if you are illegal, but your child being born here is legal, when the child reaches the age of 18, then you are automatically legal.
Much like the United sates, the courts, hospitals, and social services in Canada now struggle to meet the needs or accommodate the new arrivals. Perhaps we can all learn from those people down under, the Australians.
Australia, which has a strict English proficiency requirement for all immigrants and doesn’t automatically let in a citizen entire extended family. Australia “tells immigrants that if they miss their elderly parents, they should buy a plane ticket home.
Now that sounds pretty harsh I have to admit. But without language skills, an immigrant is cut off from mainstream society. Which is not a great way to live, whether it be here at home in the States or Canada. By accommodating them instead of “educating them” we are not only crippling them, but we are doing the same to the United States too.
Have a Safe and Sane New Year … See you on Monday.
Who says “women are the frustrated sex?” A Taiwanese woman who was unable to find a husband is marrying herself so she can have a wedding. An office worker from Taipei, has photographs taken of herself in a wedding dress and will marry herself next month in a lavish ceremony before whisking herself off for a honeymoon in Australia. “Age 30 is a prime period for me” she said. “your work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do”
Uh, pack some batteries for the honeymoon?
Oklahoma for all of you who are blissfully unaware, is one of those “fly-over states” a stronghold of good Republican politics’. Yesterday while consuming a Western Omelet at the local beanery I had one of them there epiphany things. (Okie Talk) We just had a landslide victory (not only here but nationwide) of Republican’s elected back into the system, and effectively changed the balance of power in their favor.
So here it is in a nutshell …. Where the rubber meets the road as they say around here … “Who are they going to blame now, when things do not improve or God forbid, get worse?”
Halfway thru my hash-browns it also occurred to me that Mr. Obama has kept his promise of more jobs …. Freshman Congressman. Government that works.
One of the recent causalities in the election process was the California Pot Initiative. It seems that it went up in smoke … Nice play on words eh? Voters wholeheartedly rejected the proposal. Proposition 19, which would have allowed adults over 21 to grow their own smoke or purchase up to an ounce of marijuana for personal use, lost by 54%. Every region of the state voted it down, except for San Francisco of course. Legal marijuana at this point in California is already a $1 billion business. It is also believed that people who invest in medical marijuana at this stage of the game, 9 out of 10 will most likely go under within a year.
If you want to make some money, try Gold.
James one of our favorite number crunchers will appreciate this one. If you were to purchase all the gold that has ever been mined it would give you control of a pretty big block of the precious metal. But at today’s prices you could instead purchase all the farmland in America and 10 ExxonMobils, and still have about $1 trillion in walking around money.
So you make the call, pot or gold, which one is the smart buy.
Oklahoma voted on initiatives to insure that English was the common and unifying language and now all the signs will have to be changed at the entrance to the state. Instead of reading Oklahoma Welcomes You, it will now read Red People Welcomes You.
Isn’t progress cool boys & girls?
Boo! I bet I scared you Ha-Ha. I have a parrot that says that, just cracks me up. That friends, is about the scariest thing in my house. I am so glad that all this Ghoulish October Halloween garbage is finally over. Did you know that 37% of Americans say they believe in ghosts. 23% say a ghost has visited them, and 20% say they’ve seen or heard a ghost. No Elvis sightings at Walmart this week, but Michael did release a new CD.
One more sad, but newsworthy thing to report.
This is not going to make someones‘ day. Everyone who bought one of those 2012 books, loosely based on the Mayan Calendar and the end of the world, are going to be somewhat let down. This is because new research has found an error in the conversion of Mayan to modern calendars, and that the “end of days” predicted by the Mayan calendar is not December 21st, 2012, but may actually be some 50 to 100 years later. Good news for everyone who owns a Time Share, bad news for all those people who print Mayan Calendars.
Never, ever underestimate the power of people to get it wrong.
It has been pointed out to me this week, that I have inadvertently been spelling hesitaiton wrong. A classmate/member/lovely person has brought this to my attention recently. I sincerely apologize for this apparent mistake. I hereby apologize to her, the Oklahoma Board Of Public Education, and any other interested party for this apparent oversight.
It is not Hesitaion, it is “hesitation.”
I got it now.
Spelling has always been my Achilles’ heel, and fortunately for me, most modern computers, bulletin boards and email servers contain spelling checkers. Which not ashamed to admit, I use on a daily basis. I am proud of myself in one respect, I have not used the word “Y’all” one time while posting on this board. In doing so, I would profoundly be exhibiting my apparent lack of Edumaycayshun, and I am not about to do that.
Any of you guys write your own admit slips in high school?
I used to write them all of the time, we would cut, and do our thing. The next day I would have to face Mrs. Ormsby in the Admissions office. And most of the time it went well, until one particular Wednesday. That was the day of my undoing, my “rude awakening” as my father used to say.
I was standing there, she was reading my admit slip ……. “Please excuse my son, Don Smith, as he was ill on “Wedesday” (did you catch it?) and he was not able to attend school.” Then the note was signed with my father’s name.
Bad news, this dog aint gonna hunt, as they say back here in the Heartland. I had inadvertently forgotten that Wednesday has an “N” in it.
Mrs. Ormsby gave me the weary eye of a one-eyed cat in a fish market and said, “How old is your father?” and I said, “Uh, I dunno, maybe thirty-five or so, he’s old.” And she said, “He went to High School, did he?” and I said, “Uh, yeah, I think so.” Then she smiled (like a big cat rushing in for the kill, aiming for the jugular this time) and she said to me, “Don’t you think he ought to be able to spell WEDNESDAY?”
Nuts … Another trip to Mr. Moody’s office.
30 cuts, 31 cut holds, and a letter to my father. Believe me; every word of this personal communication from my High School was spelled right. I watched him read each and every word and then he looked at me and said: “Go stand in the street until I can get the truck started!”
He was not pleased.
So …… Thank God for spelling checkers …. Bad Spellers of the World Untie!
Which is a good thing, especially for me, because I love BLT’s (bacon, lettuce, and tomato) sandwiches. I would absolutely hate to see anything conflict with that part of my life. No more trips to the Cracker Barrel for me, and that would create a hole in my world you could drive a bus through.
So today, this morning, let us develop a healthy curiosity in the world of pigs, swine creatures of media fame here of late.
Drive through the Oklahoma Panhandle and you will see it dotted with shiny tin roofs, new hog barns, there is a huge profit in the raising and caring for of hogs. But there are also drawbacks. Hogs are nasty, they produce about 8 times the waste of a human each day, they take an ocean of water to clean them up and all hog farms have huge water retention ponds to collect their waste. Potential breeding grounds for all the little ugly things that attack us and make us sick.
Eventually all this nasty bio-waste makes it thru the food chain to you.
Here’s the connection: if a commercial flight is a prime breeding ground for airborne infectious disease, consider the digs of modern hogs. Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs), also known as factory farms, bring together tens of thousands of animals in quarters that make a sold-out 747 look spacious. Keeping a cap on disease in such conditions has risen to a sort of macabre art form involving the use of antibiotics (including the “non-therapeutic” use, which means that they feed the animals antibiotics as a preventative measure) to ward off the infectious diseases you might expect to thrive in such a place.
This practice has been linked to the spread of drug-resistant MRSA bacteria, but is not likely the cause of the influenza outbreak. Manure lagoons, the gigantic receptors for the millions of gallons of excrement expelled by the thousands of animals, may be the more likely culprit.
All of this beside being an obvious health nightmare presents a public relations nightmare for the hog farmer. I suppose hog farmers and pork producers would prefer we call it something else, other than swine flu. Perhaps it would be better to use the scientific name, A(H1N1) 2009 but that just seems so benign, no ring in that, where is the snap, where is the crackle and pop?
We seem to gravitate towards the outrageous, the completely insane in this country when it comes to descriptive metaphors. Calling this Swine Flu just doesn’t seem appropriate.
Look at the auto companies and the banks for instance. We use terms such as financial meltdown, bailout, huge losses, bankruptcy and other insidious terms that reek of socialism, “nationalism” comes readily to mind here. All of them basically negative in nature.
So we change it up, we refresh the negative and we call it something else. We say “unexpected profit inversion” or “asset augmentation” or “new and unique profit-partner partnerships between the private sector and the government.”
Like our now long gone moose gooser from Alaska would say … “We continue to put lipstick on the pig” and call it everything other than what it really might be. There is an old expression that goes something like this: “You can try and teach a pig to sing, but it will not work, and all you do is irritate the pig.” Call it what it is, and stop renaming all of this stuff.
We are good at this, we have after all, have been transferring blame and changing the language for years. Adultery … An affair. Abortion … Lifestyle choice. Genocide … Ethnic Cleansing. We do it all the time; a housewife is no longer a housewife, she is a domestic engineer. Used Car Salesman … Finance Specialist and the list goes on and on infinitum. A four door hoopie from Ford or General Motors is now a “sports sedan” … Television evolved to wireless cable …. which is pretty stupid really and then there is … Mercy Killing.
That one I do not understand at all. But I am usually a little slow on the uptake anyway.
Sadly one rule of life is …. “What you practice the most, is what you will become.” As long as we continue “to shade the truth” and not face it, we will have problems in this country.
The worst of it all, was not here nor was it in Israel, where they steadfast refused to call it swine flu for religious reasons, but in Afghanistan where they moved the only pig in the Kabul Zoo into a locked room out of fear of swine flu. Now that was some progressive thinking there, that saved a lot of lives no doubt.
Have to go now, I am off to check out this latest email rumor I received yesterday. It concerns a woman who left her two-year old son at a day care center yesterday morning in Seattle, and when she returned to pick him up in the afternoon he was completely grown!
Day care officials are crediting the Obama hot lunch program.
Me? I am not buying it.
I am somewhat sore today, having slipped on the ice over the weekend, and took a brodie on the driveway because of the ice, I find myself with some discomfort. I am applying thermal therapy units to it trying to bring it back to shape (ice packs) but at my age, this is a slow process at best. I was doing my best to be an optical illuminator enhancer for the wife, which is a nice way of saying, “I was cleaning her side of the windshield (washing the windows) and I slipped and went down.
As I have recently been criticized for the mis-placement of my apostrophes I am making a dedicated and concentrated effort to improve my vocabulary instead, doing my best to make up words that add to the flavor of the piece and at the same time, make me sound much more dignified and important.
Whadya think? (no good huh)
While we are on the subject of “edumaycayshun” this could only happen in America. A new federal law may ban children from U.S. Libraries. The Consumer Product Safety Act requires all children’s products to be tested for lead.
Since trace amounts of the material can be found in printers’ inks, older books, the law may force libraries to exclude kids until every single book can be tested. This could mean the banning of children under 12 years of age from all public libraries in the U.S.. Does this really make sense?
We need education in our society, for instance, without education when a politician says that there is “indefinite idling” in Pennsylvania, without education, you would not know that he was referring to the recent closing of a steel plant in that area.
So you see … Education is important.
If you don’t feel that way then click on the link provided and take the test. Look how far we have “regressed” take the test from an 1895 literary test here. This is a real eye opener.
So we are sitting in our media room (Mr. & Mrs. Trump of the neighborhood — hahahaha) watching television and it is this old Kung Fu movie, you know the kind where the hero says something and then there is a short delay, and here comes the English.
And all of a sudden the wife she just busts out laughing and I am at a loss for what is so funny so I said, “Lord girl, what is wrong with you?” and she says, “These guys, they crack me up!” Cup Cake, my wife is Chinese and she is fluent in five languages, and she is watching this clearly not rated piece of celluloid out of some backyard shot in Hong Kong, DVD garbage and laughing to beat the band.
“Honey, correct me if I am wrong, but this is some kind of kung-fu nut buster this isn’t a comedy.”
And then she says, yeah I know, but they have it all wrong! This guy just said, “I scare nothing! Even you become napkins!” (Bad Chinese to English translation) Guess you had to be there.
By The Numbers — What do you believe in?
34% of Americans say electing the first black president made them feel “more proud” to be American and only some 12% say they were less proud. 71% of those polled said that they were optimistic about Mr. Obama’s presidency, including 50% of people who voted against him.
65% believe the country is now better off and will be in much better shape at the conclusion of his first four year term. 67% say that they see Obama’s election as a sign that America’s racial problems will eventually be worked out.
And a full 60% of American’s say that they would support an openly gay candidate for president. 47% of those polled said that they believed that America’s best days lie ahead, compared with 36% who say the nation is past its prime.
If You can start your morning …
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no fault of yours, things go wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,
Then, my Brother, you are as good as your dog. – Author unknown
If you cannot make it — phone it in.
My wife will get so tired of me telling my old jokes, what woman is there, who has not had to endure the telling of really bad jokes and the embarrassment of being married to some clown who likes to tell them. (You do not have to comment on this, it was just a suggestion) Anyway, I tell one that she isn’t all that fond of … “What is the name of the first Chinese Test Tube Baby?” … “No Funsun.”
For some reason, she will tell me that is not funny.
Neither is “Why are test tube babies better off than regular babies?” — “They get a womb with a view!” and she will look at the ceiling and mutter — “Norman, not funny.” (Quote from a Brad Pitt – Robert Redford movie, A River Runs Thru It (again, you had to be there).
Apparently this happens in real life.
A Canadian man insists that he should not pay child support on the grounds he was asleep when he and his ex-girlfriend conceived a baby. It is kind of like when Raymond who is headed upstairs to have sex, yells down at Deborah in the kitchen and says, “C’mon, you have to be here for at least some of this.”
The Canadian man told a court that he was visiting the woman in 2006, and when he awoke in the middle of the night, she was having sex with him.
Now this is where it REALLY GETS GOOD he demanded that “she cease and desist” (Yeah Right!) but nine months later she gave birth, allegedly causing the father serious mental distress. It has to be true, I mean, “I read it on the Internet.”
Mushrooms might just make you a happier, more spiritual person. Researchers at Johns Hopkins found that years after taking the hallucinogenic drug psilocybin in an experiment, subjects were still affected by their experience, during which they felt a profound connection to everyone and everything. 61% felt that they were better people — more loving, open, and sensitive. “There was a sense of relief and joy and ecstasy when my heart was opened” reported one volunteer. (Not to mention the flight of baby pink elephants that circled my ceiling fan every night after lights out)
Whole Lot Of Shakin Going On
So yesterday, I am sitting in this intersection in my old hoopie and I am minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the old truck starts vibrating really bad, I mean it is a shakin’ now Honey, on a 3.5 scale if it were in the Bay Area of California or on the streets of Compton in L.A.. I look at the sky in anticipation of the ash cloud reigning down on me, Yellowstone surely has blown its cap and we are in trouble.
I am thinking to myself, “What in the world is this?” and then out of the corner of my left-eye I notice the trunk on the car next to me “kind of jumping all around” and I look over and there they are.
Rappers. This is the source of the disturbance in the atmosphere which surrounds my truck.
Call me old school or whatever you want, but there is just something very stupid and moronic about an old car bouncing and jumping around at an intersection with occupants that seem to be clearly out of it.
And I as I crack my window just a little, I hear the tones, the resonating cacophony of foul language, four letter words and a four part beat — “Kill yo Mutha, Kill yo Father, Kill yo’ bru-tha, Kill all them ——cops!”
I wonder, “Who will pay their disability payments when they all discover at age thirty that their hearing is shot?”