Me Fix … You see.

  Men are so stooooooopid. 

You catch that? 

Men are so stupid.  There I said it again.  A friend of mine is down with the flu and someone suggested to him that he might have to go see a doctor, as it has been awhile.  His answer just about blew me outta the proverbial boat, he said:  “Since they all stopped speaking English, I stopped going to see them.”

Which I found amusing to say the least.

In Oklahoma there is actually a program in place to hire foreign doctors in the Panhandle because of the scarcity of hospitals and good medical treatment in the small towns of the plains.  Kind of like that show that was on a few years ago, “Northern Exposure.”

Most likely my friends’ medical provider would be the VA (Veteran’s Administration) as they sort of run the gauntlet of foreign doctors.  You can find Pakistani, Indian, Asian, you name it, they have it.  My doctor at the VA was named Dr. Lau (pronounced Low) and he at times drove me nuts.

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Dr. Lau was a little guy, about 4’6” maybe 110 lbs soaking wet, and spoke “broken English.”  He had a special way of staring right thru you and sort of looked nervous at times.  Reminded me of that crazy cab driver in the Philippines in sixty-five that tried his best to kill us before we even got to the end of the pier. 

He would walk into the room, in his white frock, looking like a midget sized mad scientist, look at me and say … “Whut sugar blood?” and I would say …. “Huh?” 

He would then repeat it .. “Whut sugar blood?” … at that time I would lean in, real close, and say to him …. “Repeat it ONE MORE time, this time very slowly Doc.” 

He then would say, “You know speak Engrish?” 

We finally figured out he was asking … He was trying to say “What is your blood sugar.”

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First time he gave me a prostate exam, he had me bend over and he lubed up and then proceeded to stick about three feet of broom handle (well, it FELT like a broom handle) up my wahzoo.  I looked over my left shoulder, caught his attention, and said, “Hey?  Aren’t you supposed to buy me dinner first or something like that?”

He jumped back and said, “That not funny.” 

Maybe so.  But he always wanted to do it, each visit, out came the rubber gloves and the petroleum jelly. 

I have found in my life, “Asian’s as a rule, do not have much of a sense of humor.” (my wife, who is Asian says I am not funny all the time.  But then again, this is a woman who speaks five languages, and says, “English easy … You just make it up as you go!)

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Which reminds me …

An Australian went to Hong Kong on vacation and after about four days he “noticed a little discomfort down under” and we are not talking about Sidney or Brisbane here.  So he makes a trip to a caucasian doctor and the doctor inspects his member and says, “Oh no, you have the rare Black Rose.  It is a strain of VD, a very lethal STD, and you need an operation right now.  We might not be able to save it.”

The Australian said, “How much is this going to cost me?”

The doctor said about $2,500.00 American dollars.  The guy said “I am going to get a second opinion.”  He looks up an asian doctor and goes to him, has the visit and tells the doctor about the $2,500.00 cost and all that.

The Asian doctor is somewhat amused.  He says, “Oh, not so.  Caucasian doctors want money, all about money, do operation now, I make money.”

So the Aussie says, “Well whadya think … should I get the operation?”

And the little Asian doctor looked up and said, “Oh no, bad move.  You wait … It fall off all by itself, maybe two weeks.”

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Flu Ride (Audio)

 Flu Ride

(Parody of Seigh Ride)

Just hear those noses snifflin’
Sore throats ticklin’ too
Come on it’s lousy weather
To be sufferin’ inside with the flu
Outside the snow is fallin’
Your fever’s at 102
Let’s take some Alka-Seltzer
And a box of antihistamines too

We’ll bring some Kleenex with us
And sing a chorus or two
Let’s let my red nose lead us
In a sleigh ride in spite of the flu
Hack it up hack it up fling it up let’s go
Phlegm chunks in the snow
We’re coughing up a yellow and green rainbow
Cough it up cough it up cough it up
oh man
There’s some on my hand
My glands are puffed and swollen
And every hour I pee
My throat’s as rough as leather
And raspy as it can be
Let’s take some Kleenex with us
And sing a carol or two
We’ll make our noses redder
On the sleigh ride
To go with the flu

My kid came home from preschool with a cough today
He’ll infect the whole darn neighborhood in about a day
Well be calling in sick to work until the diarrhea stops
At the pharmacy we’ll get lots more pills to pop
Pop pop pop

I took every medication I can legally buy
For coughing sneezing sniffling and the watery eyes
I’ll be gettin’ real drunk on NyQuil
I’ll take Contac ‘till I’m high
This wonderful buzz is great
But I’m glad I don’t have to drive

Just hear those noses snifflin’
Sore throats ticklin’ too
Come on it’s lousy weather
To be sufferin’ inside with the flu

Outside the snow is fallin’
Your fever’s at 102
Come on it’s lousy weather
For a flu ride together with you

Man I just love this Christmas Stuff!  Falla-llal-lah.

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Thanks to KZOK 102.5 FM

Searching For The Rainbow

usmap06Two full weeks into the New Year and the highly anticipated change in my life has not happened.  I am beside myself.  My grandmother used to admonish me all the time, “Look for the rainbow in life Donnie, stop complaining about what is buggin’ you and search your horizons for the rainbow.”  Each day I find myself searching for this elusive prize, but it never seems to materialize. I know that Granma was right, but I was young and stupid and I didn’t have time for the wisdom of the age.

I already knew it all.

This morning I am thinking of a good friend of mine who is recovering from the Flu.  As usual, the government got it all wrong, and it is a lot worse than it was before, as a matter of fact, “it is the worse it has been in four years.”  In realistic terms, at best, it is now a yearly thing.  I wrote about it just three years ago here.

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Go get the shot and you will be safe …. So they tell us.  Now really, do you believe that?

Projecting ahead of time this national malaise, is at best a guessing game every year, who is going to be safe, who is going to be sick, who is going to die.  Yes, the Flu, believe it or not can kill you. They do their level best (so they tell us) to protect us from this scourge and they also promote a shot for it, even when they do not know which version of the Flu will appear on the face of the land.

Will it be mild?  Will it be horrific, will it have projectile vomiting?  Nice thoughts on a Monday morning, eh. (Makes me want to sing and dance, how about you?)

Me and the Mrs. we got the shot.  

We get the shot every year.  Today she will head on down to the local church, a virtual hot bed of germ breeding and possibly come into contact with some air-borne micro-organism and tote it back home to me.  I secretly dread that, I feel I am somewhat safe here in the country away from the teeming masses.  In the back of my mind, I silently hope that the shot will do its thing, because I do not want the Flu.

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It is possible we all would agree on one thing.  It is good to be healthy, to be able to stand on the front porch and watch the impending storm roll this way, to see the beauty and awe afterwards, the occasional rainbow.  Gazing upon the wonders of nature or listening to the sounds or song of the day, naturally makes a person more in tune with life.

You feel less rushed, more patient, and compassionate toward others.

In this world that far too often seems to be nothing short of turned completely upside down, there is hope in awe inspiring scenes, such as waterfalls and breaching whales, standing on the curb as the parade rolls by and the fire engine trucks blow their air horns and break the air with their siren’s.

When you take time to stop and think about your day, do you play it back in slow motion, are you unhurried as you recall this awesome moment in time, when it slowly infected you with its wonder and greatness?  We spend far too much time these days accentuating the negative and not looking for the rainbow in life.

I need to look for the rainbow in life, and I need to do it more often, if they had a shot for that, I would gladly step up and stand behind the red line, to patiently wait for a dose of that.

How about you?*

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*  Comments section is open, take time to drop us a line, we would love to hear from you.