Creating A Big Vacuum …

You Suck. You are the worst writer I ever read!”

To be honest about all this.  I get a little uncomfortable with the label “writer.” A writer knows all about verbs, nouns, sentence structure, paragraphs, all that other organization/compilation of the English language stuff.

A writer knows (or is supposed to know) how to do this in the correct fashion.  As for myself? I would be considered what some call a hack.  I just hammer it out, and that is about it. I am a “writers” absolute worst nightmare.  Bottom line (as if anyone really cared) I am a story teller … Never have really considered myself a writer.

So I guess that should be:

“You are the worst STORY TELLER I have ever read.”

That might be closer to the truth.

Life despite it all,
is still being good to me,
I can still maintain a healthy outlook on things in general.
Unfortunately,
I have suddenly discovered I suck

Exactly why no one knows.
And I am somewhat miserable
Just flat outta luck I suppose.

I cannot complain,
I am doing alright.
My lawnmower still starts on the first crank

Bills are paid
Have money in the bank
Today my favorite numb-chuck sent me a link

Rest is available to me when I need it.
My health is improving.
Still have my cake,
but because of Diabetes,
I can no longer eat it.

That is how it often goes.
First your money and then your clothes.

“You Suck. You are the worst writer I ever read!” 

Another fan has been located; stick a bright red pin in the map.  This bozo probably wouldn’t recognize good writing if someone handed it to him on a business card.

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Me Fix … You see.

It’s Not Easy Being A Hero

mime-attachment BRIDGING THE GAP:  On  January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge, so they stopped.

George,  their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the state trooper, and said, “What are you  doing?” She replied, “I’m going to commit suicide.”

While he didn’t want to  appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a  kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. It was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George got approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the state trooper, and said, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts! You could be famous if  you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

(It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed)

SOME FOLKS HAVE ALL THE LUCK:  Funny thing about luck, if you are dependent on it and really need a strong dose of it, chances are that it is not likely that will happen in your life.  On the other hand, if you don’t need it, and are just kind of going thru life spinning your wheels, and everything is just fine, it will more than likely hit you like a thunderbolt.  Take these folks in Georgia for instance, they have done it several times.  

GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE SAYS YOUR ARE OVERPAID:  Recently I read where a server at AppleBee’s Restaurants was canned for posting a receipt on the Internet of a cheap female pastor.  I am a strong believer in leaving a tip for a waiter or waitress as the case may be for good service.  If you want a real kick start on your week, leave your waitress a generous tip or pick up the tab on someone else’s meal.  

Clearly (as I see it) there is something inherently wrong about this.  I am also a strong believer or of the opinion that the Bible doesn’t stipulate anywhere that women should be pastors.  But that is just my take on it.  Anywho, (which is a word I am fond of that I also just made up) here is the case in point, you be the judge.  

AH TO BE NINETEEN AGAIN:  On some mornings, when I am sitting at the table, trying to gather it all up and get it together.  I will watch this video, I just love her enthusiasm and her verve, she gets the job done too.  Michelle Jenneke at the olympics.  

Wouldn’t it be great if we could take every hurdle in life, and make small change of it as this girl does, and at the end turn around display a huge smile and give life a hug.  That is what it is all about.

As I have been somewhat verbose this morning (another bad habit I should try to break), I will leave you with one parting thought.  

 “The greatest thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you have been.”

Please stop by and visit us again, and puh-leeze …. tell all your friends.

OOO

Bad Spellers Of The World Untie!

“I don’t understand how you can figure out all this computer stuff like you do.  You have got all this techno stuff up the wahzoo.”

Hello folks, here is another scathing indictment of the public education system, another post from Mr. Language Person.  Recently I got bagged on a mispelling of a word (potpourri) and I thought it might be a good idea to post the most 25 misspelled words in the English language.  Courtesy, of Bryan A. Garner, here’s a list of 25 of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language.

  • accommodate
  • committee
  • consensus
  • definitely
  • embarrass
  • expedite
  • grammar
  • harass
  • hors d’oeuvre
  • innovate
  • inoculate
  • lieu
  • millennium
  • minuscule
  • misspelling
  • noticeable
  • occurrence
  • pavilion
  • persevere
  • playwright
  • receive
  • restaurateur
  • separate
  • supersede
  • ukulele

Commit these to memory, and should you ever find yourself needing to accommodate a ukulele player who wishes to receive an inoculation from a playwright while persevering at his art in a pavilion, you’ll be spared the embarrassment of making any innovative misspellings, whether minuscule or easily noticeable.

Just yesterday, Billy Ray Littler said to me, “I don’t understand how you can figure out all this computer stuff like you do.  You have got all this techno stuff up the wahzoo.”

Now there is a word for you … Whazoo.

Wonder where that one came from?

As always … Sending our very best is the least we can do.

OOO

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Kiss Me I Am Thirsty

Learning all kinds of new words this year, playcation, staycation, Obamma Amerikuh, and now this.  Poly-Amorous (Bi-Sexual) leave it to a shrink to come up with something as ludicrous as this.

Here I have one for you:  Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (Also known as the O’Reilly effect)

And now we have Poly-Amorous, give me a break.

Listen to this summer’s monster hit song, “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry. It’s an international phenomenon — topping the charts all summer in America, Canada, Australia and Great Britain. I kissed a girl and I liked it, The taste of her cherry chapstick, I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right. Now imagine that you hear that your 18-year-old daughter was kissing another girl at a party last weekend. What races through your mind?

“O my gosh, she’s exploring same-sex attractions.

She must be a lesbian.”

You remember the “Love Generation?”  We were that generation, the Baby Boomers who like to believe that we established and formed the definitions on the sexual revolution.  I always found that amusing, sexual revolution, I mean at the time, “I wasn’t fighting anyone on it.”

Now days we have the media and other groups telling us that being gay is pre-programmed from birth.  But girls kissing girls isn’t necessary a lesbian attitude.  Salon.com recently ran a survey on it and most of the girls said that “they just kissed each other to get a free beer at a party or on a dare from the guys.”

Taking it one step further, I suppose it is a way to signal to males that they are “sexually open and adventurous. It was like, look, I’m the center of attention!” recalled one 16-year-old.

When I was sixteen the only advice my parents gave me was to “never go drinking with a guy named Chug-A-Lug” I would not have been prepared for this at all.

Stoopid crooks:  During an escape attempt, an inmate at the county jail in St. Charles, Missouri, ran into the prison’s parking garage and headed for an open door marked “fire exit.”  Sensing that freedom was about to be his, he turned around and gave the approaching deputies a one-finger salute, and dashed thru the door … running smack into the brick wall behind it.  Deputies took the unconscious man to a nearby hospital.

Home-made Exxon … Brew your own  … Impress your neighbors!

Fumes from chemicals used to make bio-diesel fuel reacted with cleaning fluid, caused an explosion early Sunday morning at an Arizona home. The homeowner told investigators he was making the alternative fuel in his garage as a way to save money, an up-and-coming trend that may lead to future catastrophes if not done correctly.

The most likely cause for the fire was spontaneous combustion that had resulted after heat was exchanged between a used rag and a cleaning solvent inside a plastic bucket.  That was aggravated when vapors from a drum of ethanol met with the rag, causing an explosion.  And of course, the brewing of chemicals by some guy who never had his science project done on time. We have basically the same problem here in Oklahoma every winter, when Okies try and lite up their gas heaters with kitchen matches.

One more and then I am outta here.  It has to be true … I mean … “I read it on the Internet!”

If you are the person who flushed a grenade down the ol’ poop-shooter in Xenia, Ohio, the people that work at the sewage plant and I suppose, the local cops, want to talk to you.  Workers found what they believe was a vintage WWII grenade there recently.

A disposal unit from Wright-Patterson Air Force Base came to the plant to examine the grenade.  “They came over and looked at it, X-rayed it. It was probably World War II vintage,” City spokesperson, Leaming said.  He said the X-ray revealed what looked like dirt inside, but they couldn’t be sure there was no black powder left, so the crew detonated it on site, using explosives they had brought.

Xenia City Manager Jim Percival said the grenade came out of a machine used to vacuum the sewers.  “You get a little bit of everything there,” Percival said. “Nothing that comes through the sewers would surprise me.”  Read the entire Grenade Article by Staff Writer Jeremy P Kelly here.

Now when I was in the tenth grade we flushed some cherry bombs down the commode at the local high school, but this takes it to a whole new level. “If you are in the Dayton, Xenia area of Ohio, I would check the stool before I sit down.”

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