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It is no small wonder I am half confused all of the time.

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Whacked Out World II

A little taste of the world around you this morning, for you to enjoy.  Last night they had a special on the Burger King Commercial on the local news, proving once again, we are just a little ahead of the curve on some of this.  We did it first.

Live, Local, Late Breaking my butt.

We continue to amuse, confuse and expand the parameters of your horizon’s and it is all free.  Where can you get a better deal than that?

Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday.  The officer cited a resident for his loose dogs.  The duck refused medical treatment and left the area according to police records.

An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.  Which reminds me of the old joke, where the state trooper stopped the man on the highway and asked him, “Do you know why I stopped you?” and the old man replied, “No sir.  I don’t.”  So the trooper said to him, “Your wife fell out of the car about three miles back!” and the old man took his hand, wiped his furrowed brow and exclaimed, “Oh thank the Lord!  I had thought I had went deaf.”

Remember, this is all “free.”

A 21 year old reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night.  According t a police report, an unknown suspect threw a condom at the victim hitting him in the face (Yuck!).  No arrests have been made at the time of the report.  I understand that some guys actually get embarrassed when they have to buy condoms.  That should not be a big deal, now take me for instance, it always embarrasses me having to throw them away unused after they expire.

And don’t buy into that “condoms are safe” lie either.  I knew a guy that was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!  You cannot believe everything that you read.

Remember, this is all “free.”

Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building.  An officer went inside and called out, “Marco.”  The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said.  Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.”

Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”  Our house was burgularized one time, I believe the guys that did it were gay.  Nothing was actually stolen, but all the furniture had been rearranged.

Really strange.

Employees of Eckerd’s reported about 12:25 a.m. Tuesday that two men came into the store, loaded birthday bags with “Have a nice day” yellow faces on them, with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-fungal cream, and left without paying.  The cream was valued at $894.98.

Full Size Mattress: Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty.  Like new.  Slight urine smell.  $40

CHINA CABINET: buffet, hutch solid pine, tall X 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few scratches but cat has been killed $700.

“I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.”

Uh-Huh?

“We was sitting on the porch, and the tornado dropped right on down to swoop us and the dog up, came out of clear blue sky.”

Uh-Huh?

“Find out for yourself how much fun riding a lawnmower can be?”

Uh-Huh?

FOR SALE:  Collection of old people, call ***- 9455.

TURKEY FOR SALE:  Partially eaten.  Only eight days until Thanksgiving, both drumsticks still intact.  $23 OBO.

GE MAMMOGRAM DISH WASHER for sale, white, good condition, $20

WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me.  This is not a joke.  PO Box 322, Oakview Ca 93022.  You’ll get paid after we get back.  Must bring your own weapons.  Safety not guaranteed.  I have done this once before.

HUMAN SKULL:  Used once only.  Not plastic. $200 OBO  Dr. Scott Tyler

USED TOILET PAPER:  For sale I have a wide selection of brands and designs call for detailed prices.

TOMBSTONE: Standard Gray, a good buy for someone named “Grady.”  1995 Nissan Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500 Not for sale.

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY:   This president has listened to some people, the so-called Vulcans in the White House, the ideologues.  But you know, unlike the Vulcan’s of Star Trek who made the decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology.  These aren’t Vulcan.  There are Klingons in the White House.  But unlike the real Klingon of Star Trek, these Klingon’s have never fought a battle of their own.  Don’t let faux Klingon’s send real Americans to war.  (Rep. David Wu (D-Oregon) in a speech on the floor of Congress)

This why most states have Congressional leaders elected in pairs … So that at lease one of them can be the designated driver.

Tuesday in a nutshell …. Get 50% off or half price whichever is less.

And you thought all the news was bad?

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Whacked Out World

Now I have to admit, I saw something yesterday I never thought I would see.  I saw an ambidextrous cellphone user.  She was driving down the Interstate, weaving in and out, almost drove right over the top of her.  And when I did find a suitable amount of space to pass her, I swung out and came on around, and she gave me a look that would kill a bear and then with the cellphone still in her hand, flipped me off!

That has to be a first for me.

Ah, another wonderful trip about town in the Big City.  We are driving home yesterday from lunch at the beanery, nice lazy day, and I notice this sign located close to the road, out in front by the fence.

It reads:  Clean Dirt Wanted 525-****.

Now I think to myself, this cannot be right, dirt is by its very nature, “dirty” and how can you specifically ask for “clean” dirt?

Which in turn got me to thinking about all the stoopid stuff we are forced to endure on a daily basis in this country and of course, the people who write and publish it (like this site right here.).  I have been for sometime lifting these little nuggets of truth and as I come across items of absurdity, I file them in the file named “Absurd things and Alimony reciepts” and save them for a rainy day.

You never know when this stuff will come up on the Cocktail Circuit it pays to be ready.

All those little quirky thoughts and messages of modern day living.  Such as “legally drunk” now there is one for you.  If you are “legally” drunk, how come they are arresting you?  Just doesn’t wash.

So here for your enjoyment are just a few:

AUDITIONS:  Seeking a young man who is at least 28 but not over 28 years old. A little too specific if you ask me.

Get 50% off … or half price … whichever is less.

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, says Nike

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

What constitutes a millionaire?  A millionaire is someone who has $1 million, according to Jerry Beto, branch manager and senior vice president of investments at Ag Edwards and Sons. Now there is some bailout bonus material if I ever saw one.

A deputy responded to an report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes.

It was the mailman.

Army vehicle disappears.  An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted camouflage.

Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.”  Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

A woman in the 1900 block of 129^th lane northeast reported that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive any birthday cards from some of her friends.

Fish need water.  Feds say.

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.

Correction:  Due to incorrect information from the clerk at courts, Michelle Merchant, 38 was incorrectly listed as being arrested for prostitution on Wednesday.  The charge should have been failing to stop at a RR Crossing.  She will be the talk of Sunday School this weekend for sure.

Caskets found as workers demolish church.  “We had no idea people were buried there.”

Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison.

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons.

Body found wrapped in chains hanging from tree … Police suspect foul play.

Crack found in Man’s buttocks.  Police searching a downtown home found a man hiding 15 plastic bags of crack cocaine in his buttocks.  He was charged with possession with the intent to distribute crack cocaine, possession of drug paraphernalia, obstructing and hindering and making a false statement to police.

Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe.

Notes that intruder was the mirror in her bedroom.

WalMart:  Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trashcan.  Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.

1:33PM  A person calls the police station to inquire on “how to legally kill” a person who is harassing him.

A caller reports that someone was on a porch yelling “help!”

Officers responded and learned that person was calling a cat that is named “help.”

Man in diapers directs traffic.  Wearing only tennis shoes and a diaper, a man was arrested while directing traffic and performing martial arts in the intersection.  He was charged with public drunkenness and disorderly conduct (he was more than likely legally drunk at the time).

12:22PM a cellular caller reports a large snapping turtle on the roadway at Elm and Crescent road.  The turtle subsequently fled the area.

Airport officials report that a new silent plane will cut down on airport noise.

And the absolute best for last ….

The learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window and stares at the center for hours and is making parents nervous.  Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And you thought it was going to be a boring Tuesday.

OOO

New Headlines

Portland police are not above the parking laws, even if they’re hungry.  Officer Chadd Stensgaard, who parked his patrol car illegally while making a dinner-break stop at a Japanese restaurant, must pay a $35 fine, Traffic Court Judge Terry Hannon ruled Wednesday.

The infraction came to light thanks to Eric Bryant, who was at the restaurant with friends when Stensgaard parked in a curbside no-parking zone. Bryant, an attorney, filed a citizen complaint against the officer in March.

Bad cop – No donut.

Three men were arrested outside of Reno, Nevada for spray painting rocks and defacing federal property, trees and trail markers this week.  The damage was estimated at around $1,000 and the names of the accused were as follows:  Alfredo Perez, Efrain Beccerra, and Gabriel Amaya, more than likely some of those “good folks who only come north to work and a better life.”  Buy ’em a can of spay paint so that they can write their lawyer in Mexico City a letter.

We have some new headlines for The Bad News Gazette.

Attempts to renew Little League activities fail once again due to the complete ban of all competitiveness for children.  Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4,532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Silicon Valley janitors approve new contract promising $156.76/hr starting salary. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Cloned cockroaches presenting significant pest problem. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.  Al Gore loses big toe from frostbite in the Artic filming a documentary on the last iceberg.

Barry Bonds lobbies Major League Baseball for entry into the Hall of Fame; says even though his hat size is now up to 22 is not proof he ever took steroids. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.  Oklahoma City hopes to have a name for its looted basketball team by the end of the year.  New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.  Major air carriers across the U.S. annouce a $14 fee for just “inquiring about a possible flight to anywhere.”

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.  Some American’s have still not received their stimulus check.  It is now legal in Vermont to burn your furniture during the winter months in order to stay warm.  Temperatures set a new record in downtown Los Angeles, 126* and rising.  Glacier National Park is renamed Big Rocky National Park (no more glaciers).

Las Vegas puts online a second sewage treatment plant and the bad news is now there are ample supplies of treated sewage water … The good news is, there doesn’t seem to be enough to go around. Utah voters set to approve smoking only in privately owned bathrooms in homes. While the ban on all smoking by non-residents remains the Law of the Land.  Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton unite over proposal to ban the word “ask” and replace it with “axe” in all U.S. Schools.

The novel To Kill a Mockingbird is banned from schools as it promotes a depiction of a hate crime and actually encourages racism.  Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines and hanging chads.  American Idol losers go on USA tour and sing Old Beatles tunes, the ghost of John Lennon appears in New York City asks a cab driver to “please just shoot me again.”

Creative Endeavors writes a post on Coffee and WordPress.Com actually puts it in the category that it was linked to entitled … believe it or not … “Coffee.”

Have to go, almost time to catch the bus downtown.  With the high price of gasoline, I am doing my best to find a suitable mode of alternative transportation, which believe me, is not easy in Oklahoma.  I have to walk two blocks north of here to catch the bus.  There is a bench which is usually occuppied by some old geezers just like me, headed downtown.

Often the conversation is stimulating and quite interesting.

First Okie:  “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”   The second Okie ponders on the subject a little, then turns and says  …. “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

All that … And the fare is only a buck.

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