Taxing Issues …

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Monte the bartender, was a big man, the reason was, he diligently worked out everyday at the local gym.  He worked as a bartender in the evening hours, and during the day, he kept fit doing his rep’s and eating right. 

Monte was a big dude indeed, kind of like a California Redwood, you had to look a long ways up there, to finally spot a limb. Continue reading

Look At It Like Dis …..

Clay Bennett editorial cartoonClose but no cigar

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He steps into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing.  You’re just like Frank.”  Passenger: “Who?”  Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”  Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.” Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out, but Frank Feldman, did everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”  Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid the traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”  Cabbie: “Oh, well, I never actually met Frank. But he died, and I married his —-‘ widow.”

Yeahsus!  That is sooooooooooooooooo good.  

 Huh?  No good you say?  

Well, okay, try this …  The Preacher was a preaching, he was magnifying, testifying, he was glorifying!  And then he announced to the congregation, “Do you know anyone in your life that is perfect?” and one single hand went up in the back of the church.

The fired up preacher quickly seized upon the moment and inquired of the man, “You!  You know someone who was perfect,” is that right?  And the man slowly nodded his head up and down in accordance with the preacher’s intense stare. At that point, the Preacher then demanded of the meek little man … “Who was this person, this person who was perfect?” and the little man looked down, pointed at his wife, and said, “Her ex-husband!”

Big gun show at the fairgrounds this weekend I am going out to invest in some brass.  Just as soon as I finish some unexpected paper work.  My tax return.   Yesterday I received my tax return for 2011 which was sent back from the IRS.

It puzzles me. 

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.  I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents?”  There seems to be some confusion. They question the section where I replied: “12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.”  Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.  Next year I am again asking them to take me off their mailing list, and then there is the nagging question:

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE **** DID I MISS?

mexicans2

Please pay your taxes you have people depending on you.

Here is the Email of the week:  This is by a daughter of a murdered couple in Raytown , MO , who had a Bible and Bookstore on 63rd street .. She says: When I had to testify at the murder trial of my parents a week ago, I was asked to raise my right hand… The bailiff started out “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” 

I stood there and waited but she said nothing.

She said “Do you?”

I was so stunned I blurted out “What happened to so help me God’?” 

She came back with “Do you?”

I replied yes, but I was perplexed. 

Then the judge said  “You can say that if you want to.” 

I stopped, raised my right hand, and finished with “So help me God!” 

I told my son and daughter that when it came time for them to testify, they should do the same.   I don’t know what can be done about it, but it’s time for us to step up and DO something. NBC this morning had a poll on this question.. They had the highest number of responses that they have ever had for one of their polls, and the percentage was the same as this: 86% to keep the words, 14% against… That is a pretty ‘commanding’ public response. I was asked to send this on if I agreed… Or delete if I didn’t. 

 Now it has been stated that 86% of Americans believe in God.

Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having “In God We Trust” on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance.

 The final question:  Why is America — Our nation — Catering to this 14%?  

You don’t like it here … Get out.

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Have a great weekend.

OOO

What the teeming masses have been reading this week at Creative Endeavors:

Home page / Archives  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
Tweaking Your Reality  
Goin With The Flow  
Clear Blue Sky  
Eagle Bus Project Files  
Wood Ice Chest  
Pink Hat Ladies  
A Moment In Time  
You Don’t Smell Like Flowers (audio)  
Skinny Dipping With Grandpa

A special thanks to Boateral, Diane, Joey our west coast correspondent for contributing.  American Progress Online.

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho

The dog got me up again last night.  You see, I live in the country, and in the country especially during the night time hours, we have different critters roaming about.  There is a large population of coyotes in our area, and they going about howling and making all kinds of noises late at night and often until the wee hours of the morning.

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … hour after hour …. Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you go chase a rabbit!)Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (Well yo mama was Lassie!)

They will bay loudly at the moon and then go “Howwwwwwwie … which in coyote language means … All Dogs suck!”  And then you have on the other hand,  a similar population of non-roving dogs who respond with  ….. Ooooooooooooooooo-Ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooo-Howwwwwwwwwie … which in dog language means …. Coyote’s are stupid and they suck!”

Bark-bark.ARRRWHoooooooooooo ….. (why don’t you get a real job, like fetching your masters’ paper!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (It’s cold out here, when is it gonna be summertime?)

Hour after hour … back n forth. 

In the meantime, I walk around the house, like some kind of underworld sleep deprived zombie, bouncing off walls and mumbling incoherently about …. where is my shotgun?  Asking myself …  Why are all these people posting pictures of their cats with bread on their head?  Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you find a sick cow and sit underneath it) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (You are so stupid you would eat cat food!)

I suppose the coyotes just like rubbing it in, they get to come and go as they please, but the dogs, they are tied to their dog houses and the little kibble-N-bits dishes and water-bowls.  All dressed out in their flea and tick collars and shiny ID tags around their necks.  Dogs who sit in a pile of old rubber chew toys, with the squeakers removed, are far more secure and do not howl all that much.  It is these lousy flea-bags who lie around all day long sleeping, giving all the rest of the respectable house-dogs a bad name.

So each night, I am not all that sure, which side starts it first, the symphony of the prairie begins anew.  Around the time the local news ends, our sonata of the plains’ country begins, usually around 10:30PM or about the time non-roving country living humans go to bed.

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go dig up a bone!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Why don’t you go coon a creek!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho-barkie-barkie (Well you would even fetch a green ribbon at a decent dog show!)

The bright-yellow Harvest moon breaks the eastern horizon, and quickly heads for the night time zenith in the sky ….

Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go chase a car!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooobie-who (A much younger bark I note and it sez … What is a car?)

And my all time favorite, Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho … (Why don’t you go chase the mailman!) Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho (Yo are so stoooopid you cannot catch a Road Runner.)

So much for moving from the city to enjoy the peace and quiet of country living.  Now if you watched the video provided and heard the painful mornful sound, you can possibly relate to a similar experience in your life. 

Now go back up, to the video, replay it … Listen carefully to the intense mournful sound of the wolf and close your eyes and think back, see if you can realte to the sound that feeling …. move slowly backwards in time, ah, there it is, April 15th last year ….. Ahroooooooooooo, bark-bark, Aroooooooooowho

(And yes, Jon, you are right, I need to get out more)

OOO

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Frozen Entree

Snowed here yesterday, big time!  To hear it from the local news channels it was tantamount to the end of times, but we survived.  Kind of hard getting out of the front gate this morning, good thing I have a gasoline loving four wheel drive and one good credit card.

Just returned from the CPA (which I believe stands for Cough-Up Pretty-Much-All of it) and he says that I owe the fed’s some money (big surprise huh) and that the state owes me, so it is Peter pays Paul this year. (Not to be confused with the sixties folk singer bunch that used to play at the Hungry Eye in the Tenderloin District of San Francisco)

I used the short form this year.

It said, “Stick to me, I don’t have no receipts!”

We are getting a modest refund and paying out of one account, into another. God Bless the I.R.S. So it appears that we will have heat and light this month, which is a good deal, I hate trying to read by flashlight.  Life can also get very scary when you live the majority of it in the dark.

Bought a new album, George Straight, on the Troubadour CD .. Title cut is “I Saw God Today”. Lifts me up, makes my heart soar.   Not bad if you are a twanger. One definition of the word “Troubadour” is a person who walks around a restaurant singing. I tried that once at Denny’s at about three in the morning, they asked me to leave. I guess they are not music lovers, or it could have been the getting up on the tables, I forget.

Now I just sing in the shower … Opera mainly …. I NEED A HAIRCUT! I NEED A HAIRCUT! I NEED A HAIRCUT! But I am only allowed to do it when Cup Cake is at the Super-Center buying groceries.  I have a voice that is so loud, that wild animals have been known to stampede when in my immediate vicinity, it has gotten me banned from at least three zoo’s nationwide.

Best Email of the week: “My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We’ve discovered that when I am in a good mood, it turns green. When I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead! Dumb butt.”

Now a woman like that usually doesn’t have a nickname like Cup Cake.

You might be able to find her behind the cash register at the local Truck stop or working in the tire changing facility. She be the rather attractive lady with an arm full of tattoo’s smoking a cigar, can of Skoal in her right rear pocket of her over-alls. Lo-Retta sounds like a good name to me ….. Hey, Lo-Retta, you got any lug-nuts?

While we are on the subject?  Someone I haven’t heard from in a long time also sent me an email this week that read, “I see you are still writing. I hope you keep it up?”  Which I thought was kind of a suggestive thing to say of a man of my age and physical attributes … But this is a clean site, so we will now move on.

 

 

At least I am not required to go in to work today, that is a plus.  I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I had to do that.  I need to get outta here, I hear the word counter police hammering on my door again. They are coming to take me away!  Please excuse me, I have to go out to the barn, fire up the tractor and move some snow.  Like I said, the Weather God’s delivered a copious amount of it yesterday even though I did not order it, I have to stack it somewhere other than our driveway.

OOO

Off The Hook

OPEN ROUNDAnother spring time day is heading our way, that is good, soon, the dog days of summer.  Believe me I am ready, this is the time of the year when you feel like whistling even though’ your shoes are full of slush.

I see where officials in Denver have arrested a Mormon Cardinal on charges of running a Ponzi scheme for the past twenty years.  He is alleged to have bilked 20 people out of $40 million and has admitted to “never actually investing one penny of it” in any fund anywhere, ever.

More than likely he will say that Satan had a lot to do with it, we are so quick in this country, to shift the blame elsewhere.

On the legitimate side of all this, Bernie Madoff the King of Losers, has found a buyer for his investment business (which he claims is “profitable”), proving that even in hard times like this, you are still able to ring up a sale.  Now as I weigh in on this issue this morning, I am quite aware that I am going to come off as cynical and I suppose uncaring about all this, so be it.

The truth is, “If these victims had put their money where the rest of America put their money, the majority of them would still have it.  They lost it because they wanted MORE because they were GREEDY and put it out to a crook.”  As the old axiom states, “If it is too good to be true, then it probably is.”  Now here is the part that really sticks in my craw.

Now the I.R.S. is going to give them a write off on their losses, hard to believe, especially to those of us who pay thru the nose.  Wage earners who invest in mortgage payments and college tuition for our kids.  But it should not come as a big surprise to anyone; this is after all a country that routinely rewards the malfeasance of big-biz, the rich, the bogus, the corrupt, the inept with bonus payments and special incentives.

The next time you turn on the TV and hear some expose’ on this crap or pick up a paper and read about another scheme and its victims.  Stop and consider this.  Of the 400 richest taxpayers in the U.S., 31 of them paid taxes at an effective rate of less than 10% last year.  Thanks to tax deductions, tax-free earning credits and other maneuvers, according to the IRS.  No telling what the other 369 pulled down.

Is this a Great Country or what?

It has apparently got so lucrative that the baseball card people are getting in on the action too.  Baseball card company Topps this year will release a set of cards devoted to the worlds biggest hoaxes, hoodwinks, and bamboozlers.  Among the people and companies featured are Bernard Madoff, Charles Ponzi, and Enron to name a few.  We not only celebrate the evil in our midst, we seem to adore and worship them.

If all this wasn’t so tragic and pathetic, it would make a good skit for Monty Python.

So before you reach down for the crying’ towel, and decidedly do your part to fill it with tears, for all these so-called victims, the elite of Palm Beach, the A List of Hollywood.  Think about it.  They had plentiful evidence that Madoff was running a scam.  Anyone who actually took the time to “kick the tires of this thing” could surely see it for what it was.  In a way it is sad, they were seduced by the mystique or so flattered to join in the group of followers that they gladly forked over the cash.

The SEC should have been on the ball, everyone will scream, and to a point, that is correct.

But that doesn’t mean the investors themselves are off the hook.  Blaming your woes on the government (SEC) is like asking a child why he blames his mother for letting him start a fight while she was not looking.  Now everyone is here in place, ready to sign up for the last dance of the evening, but no one it seems wants to pay for the band.  There are two kinds of failures presented here for our perusal.

“Those who thought and never did and those who did and never thought.”

And now the I.R.S. is going to reward them for their stupidity.  It is almost laughable, if it were not so sad.  As much as things change in the twenty-first century, remarkably they often stay the same.  When you lie down with a dog, you end up smelling like a dog after awhile, so it is with these so-called victims.  The heroes of finance are like beads on a string … when one slips off, the rest soon are to follow.

Surely there is a place reserved in hell for people like Madoff and the Mormon in Denver.

My definition of hell would be a place where the Muslims are the police, the Iranians are the comedians, Mexicans are the defense force, the common language is English and the American’s handle …  ALL THE MONEY …. Yeah, that could get pretty lame awfully fast.

OOO

Not in my backyard

Glenwood Springs Colorado residents have gotten up a 17,000 name petition to restrict drilling on the Roan Plateau. BLM spokesman said the land had recently been opened up for oil and gas exploration, but the people living there are having no part of it. Everyone is quick to stop drilling but are the first to complain when the cost of the fuel goes up.

You cannot have it both ways …

What did you do on vacation? Great Falls, Montana has a novel idea. Participants in the Citizens Police Academy, a nine week series of classes and training sessions, will be given the opportunity to experience either one of the two: (1) Shocking by a taser pistol or (2) wearing the bite suit and allowing a police dog to take you down. The “free” academy begins September 10th, call now and make sure you get your reservations in early.

Delta Airlines is doubling its fee for checking a second bag on domestic flights to $50. Effective after August 5th, and the fee for checking a third bag now goes to $125 which is up from $80. The price of a bag of peanuts will remain the same …. Eighty five dollars.

Arizona officials are targeting people who are illegally removing water from the Colorado River. They are now instituting new regulations for well owners who are illegally removing the water, a source of drinking water for some 37 million Americans. More and more demands are being made on this river which no longer makes it to the Pacific Ocean, it is now drying up some 12 miles from the outlet. Water will be the “new oil” of the 21st century.

RIVER WALK … There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other Side?’ The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back to her, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

In 2004 Congress passed a $388 billion spending bill that included $25,000 for the study of mariachi music. Now tell me again why we don’t need a line veto power for the President. More than 1.6 million businesses in this country owe the Federal government in excess of $58 billion in delinquent payroll taxes, interest and penalties, including money withheld from employee’s salaries a congressional report says. I always crack up when the television barks at me ….. “IRS Problems? We can help. Pay pennies on the dollar on your IRS debt. Call ….. “

Pennies on the dollar? I have been doing it all wrong.

I cannot find any good hard oatmeal cookies, what is going on? Every cookie I found this week was one of those “soft cookies” I want one of them hard snappers. The type of cookie that you put two thumbs into it to break it in half it snaps so loud, the dog will wake up and look around the room to find out what is going on.

Where do they sell those?

You have to love this one. A Salt Lake car passenger got a surprise last month when he mimicked famous Grey Poupon TV ads of the past. The passenger got the driver of another car to lower his window, then asked: “Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

That driver, clearly no fan of the ads in which mustard is passed from one car to another, pulled out a handgun and said: “Here’s your Grey Poupon, roll you ##@#!##*#! Window up!” according to documents filed and posted on TheSmokingGun.com. The Poupon fan took down the license number and the gun-wielder was charged last week in court with aggravated assault.

Some people just don’t have a sense of humor.

A woman in Maine who was reaching into her washing machine for clothes got a shock when she found a writhing, 8 foot long python. “I put my hand back in there to get some more” said Mara Ranger “and something moved. I jumped back and all of a sudden its head starts coming out.” Wildlife officials determined the snake squeezed into the house via a water pipe.

I don’t know about you, but if that were to happen to me, we would definitely be doing a new load of underwear!

Have a Great Weekend ….

000