It would be easy to fill up a courtroom with people who know of my sarcasm and cynical views, it would not take much to render a conviction and sentence in my case. Very few would testify to my Goodness, kindness, generosity and love. I am still working on that.
A Swedish man has been arrested for trying to build a nuclear reactor in his kitchen. He had been working on the project for about six months with nuclear materials he harvested from smoke alarms and old clocks. He said his goal was to see if he could split atoms in the home.
Winter time, “in order to stave off boredom you need to create a ritual in the morning, or the evening, where you have ten minutes of quiet time.” They told me that on the news tonight and it has to be true, ‘cause Bill Oreilly or Brian Williams did not say it. (You know that is kinda strange, I cannot spell Oreilly but haven’t a problem with Orally … Wonder if Facebook has a 13 question quiz for that?) Continue reading
As he is a cop, you can ask him what I consider are legal questions.
Such as: “If you turn in a guy for beating up his kids, can you still ask him about borrowing some of his tools?”
Stuff like that. Continue reading
Wednesday! Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave working for min. wage in the Great State Of Oklahoma.
This new routine I have established, certainly is working in my favor. Even all the sorry news in the headlines are not bothering me at all. It has been nice … But every now and then you just got to WRITE SOMETHING I suppose.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. In Los Angeles they say “it is ten P.M. are the children in bed?” in Okie City, they say “It’s ten O’clock Y’all get them youngin’s tucked in.” and in Salt Lake City they say …. “Its ten P.M. does anyone know what time it is?”
Incredible week on tap. Things just kind of slip-by as you grow older.
When we get older we think differently, don’t we? I don’t care for the expression “Senior Citizen” being applied to me, I would of course prefer something more modern and up to date for my descriptive moniker.
Something like …. Recycled Teenager … Yeah, I like that. I like that okay.
This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.
Thank you for that opportunity.
One of my favorite movies was on this past weekend, The D.I. (The Drill Instructor) starring Jack Webb. It is a classic in every sense of the word, and I am a sucker for it, every time it comes on, I sit back and watch it repeatedly, over and over. It is the Dancin’ With Wolves of the Military affectionados. Full Metal Jacket is another one, it was on Saturday and Sunday was the D.I. so it was a good weekend for me.
Which reminded me of this.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
(Gotta love military time)
No good huh?
Okay, how about this? This is my neighbor, she lives right up the road.
I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door…I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight, I feel like I might want to get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?“
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to Walmart and pick up these things that are evidently needed in our home, according to the list, I found on the kitchen counter this morning. Perhaps I will get lucky and be the fourth person deep in the express line and get to guess what the people who’s credit card will not approve the sale are going to let go of (items they will have to put back so that they might leave).
Undoubtedly, hands down, one of my favorite games to play while at WalMart, this and “where did I put my driver’s lic. it was just here the other day?”
Like I said … IT’S NO FUN GETTING OLD … And they are just going to LOVE ME at the home.
Related: Four Blue Hills Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us.
Days are growing shorter now, the heat has dissipated some and that is always good. We are busy here, trying to shape everything up and get out of town for a few weeks, to see some new sights, new friends, and spend some time with the grand-babies. Believe it or not, we even found some extra scratch for some high priced diesel, so we are checking out.
My friend, Delbert and I, are over at the coffee shop, eating breakfast and he asks me, “Did you get up grumpy today?” and I said, “Naw, left her in the bed and came on down here!” Take My Wife … Please! It is good day to be above ground, on the right side of the dirt, we all seem to be living on borrowed time … which brought us to this.
We started “conversating for real” as we is prone to do (which is Okie Talk). Television came up. A very popular show on television is this show “Extreme Makeovers.” Which made me think of “What would it be like, if you got a second chance in life?” I don’t really want a make over, what I want is a DO OVER. That sort of appeals to me, one more go at it, I guess everyone is like that in some way.
It is after all, something to think about.
If we had it all over to again, would we make the same mistakes?
Would we make more of them?
Would we learn how to relax, or would stress eat our lunch and control our days.
Would we limber up and find some laughter and joy in life, if we had this second chance.
Would we take it all more seriously or blow the second shot right out the window?
From my standpoint, I know I would take more trips, meet more interesting people, go to unique places … But that is the nature of my carbon based life form. Perhaps it could turn out that when a few of us do the “do over” a small majority could end up even crazier than we are now, why not, this was sort of fun at times. Might climb a mountain, swim in a river, and sit still along enough to enjoy the setting sun. In my next life I would walk more, and drive less. I would do less talking and more looking.
More Ice Cream and a lot less green beans.
Pay more attention to the real problems in my life, and ignore the imaginary ones. Live life, prophylactically and sensibly hour after hour … Day after day. When I hit high gear on the second time around, I will refrain from using words like Prophylactically (“acting to defend against or protect from something”) mainly because most people do not use words like that, don’t know the meaning of them, and everyone is going to be able to see how smart you are anyway … Usually in about five minutes in most cases.
What else might we do?
We won’t dress for success.
We won’t eat chocolate, drink Coke
We won’t shove a lot of groceries down our necks.
Man, I seem to be on a roll here. I won’t try to program my senses and my life for monetary gain, prestige or power. I will stop and buy whatever little kids are selling from a stand beside the road. Will cease getting all bent out of shape over people who do not use spelling checkers. The ones who write all the hate emails and imply my parents were not married.
Definitely would have more “lite Bulb” moments, if I was allowed to do it over again. Less country music and more spiritual uplifting gospel music would be the order of the day. Moment after moment, I would not only seek them out (lite bulb moments), I would have MORE of them in my life
The second time around we could do some housecleaning in our lives. Toss out thermometers, hot water bottles, gargles, raincoats, cable TV bills, telephones (especially cell phones), voice mail, user names and passwords. We could all travel lighter, visiting places we have not yet been. If the wife wanted to sit in the bus, I would allow her this luxury of life, it is after all, her second time around too.
Me? I am gonna walk over to the guardrail and see how far I can spit! (Boys will be boys y’know.)
Nothing would hold me back … I am going Barefooted if I have to … I am stepping out. I will head out in the spring and miss the tornados and twisters on the plains. Spend most of the summer and some of the fall, in the cool air of the mountains somewhere, perhaps outside of Fresno, just a tad bit north of the High Sierra’s or Cody, Wyoming sitting out at the dam.
I would stop every now and then just to smell the flowers. Set aside self ambition and personal preference for God’s will and his way in my life. Choose the right priorities and force myself to realize the importance of a spirit filled life, a life which has all the earmarks of Christian Service.
Just depends on how you look at it I guess. Life is a lot like a deck chair. Some place it so they can see where they are going, and some place it to see where they have been. Some just stick them up against the wall to lean back and watch the present unfold before their eyes.
And then there is mine … On some days, no matter how hard I try … I often I can’t even get mine unfolded. One of these days, when I get it all together, I am going to do it. Unfolding my deck chair, I am going to sit in the sunshine, and listen to God and what life is telling me.
Choose a link to go back to:
Recently I read an interesting piece and it said that blogs that have visitors in the range of 3,000 per day, are capable of generating $75,000.00 per year in revenue. This would mean you would have a minimum of 100,000 people coming to your site yearly, and advertisers consider that a “gold mine” the article went on to explain that they would pay you handsomely for the privilege of adding you to their fold.
My neighbor Donna is on me all the time, “Why don’t you put up ad’s on your site, you are missing out on a lot of money.” I have a friend in the Seattle, Washington area that tells me that I should actively seek out a newspaper for a daily column. My brother-in-law has mentioned in passing that I am “squandering my gifts” and that I should be doing something “worthwhile” with my talents.
And if I had a dime for every person who has told me that “I should write a book” well …… I’d have enough bus change to take me to Cleveland, Ohio, to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. All in all, no shortage of folks determined to see that I embark on a new lifestyle and/or career choice late in life.
But as with all things, there are problems.
First there is more to life than money, sure people will tell you that you are nuts if you explain it that way, but it is true. Jack Benny once said, when asked if he thought he was going to heaven or not, “If I cannot take my money with me, then I don’t want to go there.” Some people say “money will not buy happiness” and others will tell you, “they are shopping in the wrong places.”
Money won’t buy you happiness by a long shot, it will however buy you a better class of friends.
There is a lot more to life than money, money will for instance, buy you a fine dog, but only love will make him wag his tail. Money isn’t everything. But we were talking about bloggin … I digress. When you hire out, then you have to give in. Then there are things called “deadlines and editors” and both I can barely tolerate and most of the time, absolutely hate.
Both are a pain in the part of you that goes over the fence last. I don’t need an editor telling me “that you cannot write that, or this is not acceptable” and I am low maintenance, I surely do not need another deadline in my life. If you write it, then it ought to be “yours” and you should have final say so on the piece. Some people call this “artistic freedom” or “creative control.”
You cannot take something from someone (money or wages) and maintain “control” you are always asked to give up something in return. This is why I can never understand the concept of lobbyists taking elected officials out and picking up the tab for everything, and then these very same people saying ….. “Aw, they are swell guys, and they do not expect anything out of me in return.”
So I suppose you could make a lucrative living from this sort of thing, a few people could, but in the end, it is going to take a lot of hard work. This may appear to some as easy but let me clue you in, it isn’t. Technorati, says that popular blogs make big bucks, thanks to Google, ad networking, and search-based advertising on the net.
But there is always the ever present catch, the hammer to speak, and that is production. You have to produce, almost daily, something worthwhile, interesting, different and often amusing, to develop what I call a readership.
You are feeding the monster; you are supplying it the material to drive traffic to the site. Not an easy nut to crack on any given day of the week. Often variety is hard to find, a good idea, has already been taken, someone beat you to the punch or it has been posted before.
Now cruise around the net and take a look at what is out there, plenty of examples of what NOT to do can be found. In the wrong mind, this media tool can lead to endless top 10 lists, favorite things, recycled ideas, half-baked cock-eyed notions, tons of viral images/video’s, and for lack of a better word, massive information pollution.
While there are certainly a great many bloggers “plenty of people on the internet that are posting at best dubious worthless or annoying garbage the one’s (writers or hacks, bloggers) with real staying power are those who can find a way to balance “fast-food type posts” along with a well crafted article now and then that will keep readers coming back.
The experts say the short rapid fire piece works the best, something I have never been able to master myself. But then again, I am not in it for the money, I do this for fun. It is illegal after all in my state to run over politicians (jay-walking or not), and they will not allow me to carry an exposed firearm (I don’t have the thirty-nine bucks for the permit, just bought gas).
So I use this forum to vent … and sometimes … Amuse
I tried working for “the other guy” and I didn’t really care for it. So I don’t know what to tell people who have it all figured out for me, what I should or should not do, I just know this. My fame is vapor and my riches take to wings, only one thing in this life endures, and that is character. Tell it like it is, throw it out on the porch and see if the cat will lick it up, run it up the dog-gone flagpole and see if anyone salutes it … Then you might have a winner.
You do that, and you will pick up a readership. And above all remember … Money is just an aphrodisiac which fate brings you to cloak the pain of living … William Powell …Finally, I don’t ever see me getting stinkin’ rich from writing this thing, but I sure wouldn’t mind smelling bad one of these days.
Related: Death By Bloggin’
Discourse must be in words, and it is possible to give a name to that which is not understood nor cognoscible by human reason. Man, if that doesn’t sound impotent, nothing does.
Nice day today, little rain on the driveway and I have decided the subject should be language.
From time to time I get a kick out of Authors’ site (A Curious State Of Affairs) she has a good read, and the difference in the language is interesting. She has a vivid style and certainly a flare for the unusual and interesting.
Trying to keep up what is going on (not just here, but everywhere) I read on the BBC and a few English or European blogs, a few in Asia, I surf around quite a bit and I sometimes find words such as: Calignosity, niddering, fusby and olid, which are among two dozen archaic words that can be found in some circles.
In case you are wondering, the above words mean, darkness, cowardly, squat, and foul smelling, respectively. And of course … They just gave my spelling checker the electronic equivalent of a stroke as I typed them.
Strange expressions to the average American. I understand they are even listed in some British dictionaries. I suppose in the future, if they don’t get more use, they will remove them. Off-hand, I can think of about a half-dozen words in our dictionaries that should not be there, Joe Biden uses them all the time. (He patiently explains them to Bush)
We need to update our language dictionaries also.
Now Cup Cake (my wife) is Asian, and she speaks five languages. She says that English is the easiest to learn or use, as she puts it, “It is easy, you just make it up” as you go along. It tickles me to listen to her and her sister talk to each other, as they talk, they mix Chinese and English together, as some words in Chinese do not translate into English and visa-versa.
Recently someone in Madrid, Spain, linked to this site and I ventured over there to check it out, the entire site was in Spanish! Not a word of English and it made me wonder about all the other sites this stuff goes to, is anyone translating it? We are currently being read in over 80 countries worldwide now.
Language is a funny thing.
For instance I could type: fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed tihs forwrad it.
I would hazard a guess, that most of you got that. (There! Take that you nasty ol’ spellin checker!) Man what a bummer it would be if everyone conversed in that manner. It’s a safe bet that no one wants to receive a card or letter that is written like the above ….
[ If you could not read it? It is: If you can read this, you have a strange mind too. Can you read this? Only 55 people out of 100 can. I cannot believe that I could actually understand what I was reading. The phenomenal power of the human mind, according to a research at Cambridge University, it doesn’t matter in what order the letters in a word are, the only important thing is that the first and last letter be in the right place. The rest can be a total miss, and you can still read it without a problem. This is because the human mind does not read every letter by itself, but the word as a whole. Amazing huh? Yeah, and I always thought that spelling was important. If you can read this forward it. ]
Dave Barry, one of my favorite humorists used to do items occasionally on “Mr. Language Person” and I always enjoyed them immensely. Because language is important in our day to day lives. Communication is essential in this day and age, an integral part of society.
For instance: A doctor was at the mall, and he happened to notice one of his elderly patients walking arm and arm with this good looking blond woman. As the patient approached the doctor he smiled real big and said to him, “Hello Doc, I am out taking advantage of your advice you gave me.” And the doctor inquired, “What advice are you referring to?” And the old man said, “You said to find me a Hot Mama and be cheerful. And that is what I am doing.”
The doctor smiled and said, “No you have it wrong. I said, you have a heart murmur, be careful.”
Communication as I said, is very important. Not long ago, I too found myself at the mall, and this shapely wonderful looking girl came towards me and she had a tight fitting T-Shirt on and on the front of it lettered in big bold type was the word … “Guess.”
So I said implants? And she slapped me.
Language as you can see, is important. Or as my neighbor would say ….. “Why cain’t everybody speak American, like the rest of us?”
If none of this works for you, then you can go to Noslang.com, the internet slang dictionary and translator, which will help all of you parents out there to stay hip. The site’s translator interprets “geek speek” (there you go Brother John! There is hope for me yet) and common Internet acronyms, such as TSWC (tell someone who cares), WWCND (What would Chuck Norris Do?). It also features the top 25 slang words “parents should know” and a quiz to find if you’re “CLT” (Cool Like That).
As usual, in any language, I have said too much.
Have a great weekend.
A couple of days ago, I was just lying there in bed, minding my own business, staring up at the ceiling. I do that a lot in the morning, watch the numbers roll on the clock, listen to the ceiling fan rhythms, early in the morning.
And I was thinking about the possibility of painting my front lawn green, the money, time and energy I could save, by having a totally artificial painted green lawn. Using the best weather-beater Latex that Sear’s has to offer, I would either roll it on or paint it on.
A lawn that I did not have to water or pamper, or spend time with. Something like the relationship we have with our children.
Now it is time to go on record about something. Los Angeles and Seattle, who recently instituted a policy of using goats and sheep to take care of yard work, have the right idea. Let the animals eat the stuff, and save the planet, I am all for it.
Except for that lipstick part, that I find kind of revolting.
Having lived at this location for a good portion of my life, and figuring that I mowed the front and back lawns “one time per week” (a conservative average I would venture) I have mowed, trimmed, bagged, sacked and completed this chore approximately 1,768 times (twice that counting the backyard). So I am laying there and I am thinking about this.
Then SHE rolls over and touches me. Man I hate it when SHE does that. It always starts the cycle, y’know, that “thing that leads to problems” right after the alarm clock goes off.
You see, men and women are often different in the morning. The man wakes up grouchy and aroused in the morning. Believe it or not, we can actually do both at the same time. Rare fact of nature, part of the male species. We just cannot help ourselves.
We just wake up and we want you and if you don’t want us, well, we are just mad about it.
And the women are thinking, “how can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we cannot see you. We have no blood anywhere, near our optic nerve at that time of the morning. Trust me, scientific fact of life, no really.
So I get up out of my bed, not because it is no longer warm, not because it is uncomfortable, but because I know that it is too heavy to carry on my back all day long, and I have to separate from it some time. I walk to the scales and I weigh myself, “I am my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.” It is gonna be a swell day.
Good morning hon, she smiles THAT smile at me. Coffee, two sugars, no conversation.
Walking outside with my cup of fresh coffee, I spy my neighbor who is standing in his yard too. “Gonna rain today Don” and he smiles back at me. I pick up the paper and reply, “Yeah, just my luck, wouldn’t you know it? I just painted my lawn yesterday.”
Man, this bloggin’ stuff can really go to your head, can’t it? I was out at the Mall this weekend and I heard ….. “Hey Look! There’s Don Smith!” and all these people turned around and stared at me … I am never, ever going to yell that out again, that was embarrassing.
Kanab, Utah has come to their senses and are now going to allow Bikini’s at the Local Watering Hole and that is great. Speedo’s are not however allowed (No banana slings in Mormon Country sorry) and you can read all about it here: Bikini ban
Some of the finest people in the world live on my street; I have some of the best neighbor’s anyone could ask for. Most of them are just great, one is a crotchety old **** but we won’t dwell on that (I just absolutely hate talking about myself). We often have in the cool of the evening, tail-gate get togethers in the front yard, sit on the end-gate of an old truck and shoot the bull.
The other day on Father’s Day, I asked my friend and neighbor, “Why was it you and your wife, waited so long to have kids?”
He said … “One of the reasons I waited so long is because, when you go to Catholic high school, they pound into your head not to get anybody pregnant. Otherwise you’ll be stuck with them the rest of your life, and it’s against God’s will, and all that. So when I finally got my wife pregnant, I was almost embarrassed and ashamed, you know. I had to tell my parents, I’m sorry, but I got somebody pregnant.”
Which is, if you are in your right mind, absolutely ridiculous. Today I found this: Cheap Mexican Gasoline, you make the call.
Lot of folks talking about moving downtown, escalating gas prices are driving people to move closer to work, all of a sudden, living close to the boss is a viable uncomfortable option. Personally, I wouldn’t trade the clear stars for downtown street lights for anything. I don’t care what the price of fuel is.
We’ve got piece of mind. We’ve got safety out in my neck of the woods. And you’ve purchased a property on the outskirts of town in the country; you have got the wonderful smell of that dairy air.
Middle of the Week …. Hammer Down … The Weekend is on the Horizon.