Thunder In The Night

Beware ID theft is real.

“Hey, you used to write superb, but the last couple of posts have been kinda boring¡K I miss your super writings. Past couple of posts are just a bit out of track! come on!”  Yeah, like you really expect me to answer this tripe … Don’t you just love all these Internet trolls who have nothing better to do than run around the net and instigate trouble.  As W.C. Fields used to say ….. “Go away boy, you are bothering me.”

ACDC in the middle of the night.  Iran has another problem, someone has loaded Malware onto the computers in their nuclear program and they are now hearing AC-DC at full volume in the middle of the night.  They have asked for assistance to remove the computer virus and stop the music and the crippling of their systems.  Now I wonder who could have done this dastardly deed?

Like my old man used to say, “Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of people.”

TOO MUCH SEX WILL KILL YOU … NEW SURVEY OUT SAYS SO.  You find the strangest things when you surf the net at night while your wife watches America’s Got Talent (NBC check your local listings … tonight it was some kid getting kicked in the … well you know) anywho, I found this article on the dangers of too much sex … that is if you are a fly.  

While we are on the subject of television, another show that she really likes is Storage Wars.  She cannot seem to get enough of Yuuuuup!  She loves to watch them bid on the abandoned storage lockers and see what treasure is inside.  Here is one that I doubt anyone would want to bid on, it is in Oregon.  This one is kind of creepy.

Here is one that is completely off the register, a guy who has NOT watched any television in 24 years.  That is better than the 12 foot snake found under the trailer in Florida, “Honey have you seen the dog tonight?”  

Photo Credit: Getty

Some folks take a good picture and then again, some folks do not.  I don’t feel as if I take a decent picture anymore, and kind of refrain from it.  Anyway I was looking at this picture and I found myself trying to figure out who it was?  Anyone want to take a shot at it?  Okay, it is Sarah I want to be the next president of the United States Palin.  I think it was taken at Rolling Thunder.  Rolling Thunder is a motorcycle meet held each year in our nation’s capitol and it appears this is where the photo was taken.  Here are two more shots, you can compare.

It appears that she was indeed there.

I am not sure, but the First Lady might have been there too.

FAKE ONE DOLLAR BILLS IN IDAHO.  Now I have heard of people copying $20’s and $50’s even occasionally a five dollar bill.  But going to the trouble of counterfeiting a $1?  Almost unheard of in this day and age, read about this Idaho underachiever here.  Maybe he was a little short on lunch money.

This one is close to my heart, no really, it surely is.  A girl who is on public assistance and receiving food stamps, wins the lottery.  A one million dollar prize, which as most of us know, would last a LONG TIME if managed correctly.  Evidently it wasn’t enough, during this same period she continues to collect almost six thousand dollars in food stamps.  Is this a great country or what?

At some point in time we are going to have to change some things.  First place we should start is in grammar school, where we teach children:  “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish… and you feed him for a lifetime.”

It might be more practical to change it to:  “Give a man a welfare check, a cell phone, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, Medicaid, 100 weeks of unemployment checks, a 40-ounce malt liquor, needles, drugs, contraceptives, and designer Air Jordan shoes… and he will vote Democrat for a lifetime.”

What we have now sure isn’t cutting it.

Thanks for droppin’ by, hope to see you again soon.

OOO

New Deal

We are going to three days per week in 2011 … Monday-Wednesday-Friday … occasionally we may put up something in between.  The rigors of writing and maintaining at a steady daily pace are just too demanding, so we decided to take the opportunity to scale it back some.

Usually I refrain from political issues, but for some reason, I just feel like belting one out this morning.  So here goes.  One feature I find interesting on WordPress.com is the “global dashboard” feature, you click on it and it takes you to a blog, any blog, and often I find myself on one of these so-called political blogs.  Which most of the time, are about as stimulating as a luke warm glass of tea on a hot summer day or kissing your sister.  Not much there.

Another thing that comes readily to mind is the television program “Face The Nation” where each week we have it all laid out for us, in nice clean brush strokes.  It makes me somewhat curious, “If these bozo’s that write this crap, have it all figured out for the rest of us, then how come they are not holding down an elected political office somewhere?”

Just thinking outside of the box.

I found myself reading one these political blogs the other day and it said: “Johnson who was the first psyucotic (sic) President, was the one who is responsible for Viet Nam and Nixon was the one who took credit for the end of the war.  By the way.  My favorite president?  Ronald Reagan, who avoided the United States going bankrupt.  Second.  Richard Nixon.  Take Reagans (sic) domestic policy and Nixon’s foigen (sic) policy and put them into one man and you have the perfect president.”

Which is — Good reading — if you are out of anything of substance and of course – Your mind!

The first American advisers in Viet Nam came into country in 1964, Mr. Johnson was but a budding hope or promise from the Great State of Texas, at that time.  LBJ during his term passed more progressive social legislation than any president in the 20th century and some of his programs are still doing well all this time.  Now he did escalate the war, I know, I was one of them escalators. My recruiter said in the summer of 65,  “You can have this in lieu of your Senior Trip” and off I went.

Which brings us to Mr. Reagan, the Great Communicator.

“Mr. Reagan who doubled the national debt, who broke most of the unions, who saved us from going bankrupt,” well this one is beyond me.  His greatest achievement other than a masterfully planned state funeral seems to be the spacing of airliners 15 to 20 miles apart.  Nancy bought some new silverware and flatware for the White House, but Laura Bush replaced that.  Patti wrote a book.  Yawn.  Now we have Michele telling us not to eat at McDonald’s’ or consume fast food.

Nixon invoked more emergency powers of the President than any other President in the history of this nation.  He was a proven liar and a crook, and he disgraced the country.  Something akin to what some of the recent leadership has done along the same lines, but remain free and not under indictment.

Now we have Mr. Obama soon to be eaten alive and digested on some Fox Network for the entertainment and misinformed of the nation.  How he will be remembered is anyone’s guess.

Instead of fixing what needs fixing, the electorate sit back and debate issues that are basically a dead-horse to begin with.  The liberals and the conservatives continue to fight over the issues, the economy, a greener environment.  Much like the talk shows, they trot out all their problems to the stage, open their bag and solve nothing.  End of the show, they put it all back in the bag, and waltz off to who knows where to collect their benefits and perks.

The liberals they love the environment and the conservatives they love the death penalty.  Soon we will see Al Begore introducing his new plan for a solar-powered-electric chair and the nation will rally behind him.  After all, where can you find a more suitable match, the liberals bore you too death, and the conservatives put you too death.

It’s a win-win.

I cannot wait for 2012 when Sarah Palin again will emerge on the scene with her running mate, a trans-sexual Eskimo.  That should be interesting as all get out.  What a photo op.  As for her being “elected to anything” that is a no brainer.

So next time you find yourself with a little time on your hands, search out the Internet for some “socially redeeming quality postings.”  Make a comment or two, or better yet, don’t.  You do still have the right to remain silent, and remember anything that you do comment on, they have the right to misquote it and use it against you.

Someone once said … A glooming peace this morning with it brings.  The sun for sorrow will not show his head.  Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; some shall be pardoned, and some punished; and some best, be left unsaid.  Anyone know who it was that said that, Keats?  It escapes me …….

Check please!

I am outta here, please hand me my hat and I don’t need a coat.  I will take a hit of the Prozac and you can keep the goat.  If any of this is not to your liking, the comments section is open, bring it on.  Use your alternate  identities or your real name, the end result is still the same.

OOO

Cartoons courtesy of Center For American progress.com

Pony Up Some More

grid

Tonight’s news concerns the Economy … Click … Tonight we start off with the economy …. Click … Our big story tonight out of Washington DC is the economy … Click … Tonight’s report comes on the heels of the Department of Redundancy Department announcement out of Washington today … click, click, click …. I suppose it will be all right until the lights go out Obama.

Dig a little deeper in the well, dig a little deeper in the well.  If you want to stay ahead of the game, just up the ante.  The U.S. Postal Service this week announced a 2 cent increased in the price of a first class postage stamp.  This will boost postage to 44 cents per letter.

This time their excuse was, you are going to love this, it was:  “due to the rising costs which are affecting homes and businesses.” Try and figure that one out boys and girls.  Forever Stamps will not be affected and you can continue to buy them for 42 cents each until May 11th.  I noticed they had a new commemorative stamp over there, “celebrating the 75th anniversary of the pap smear” but I am not licking anything like that!

Give me the Disney book please.

(yeah I know, don’t send me any letters)

Wind is howling across the plains this morning. I get grumpy and out of sorts during the windy months and I try my best to stay inside, thus sparing the community at large, my misplaced anger and often misguided and directed wrath brought upon me by the forces of nature.  I am chuckling this morning, not a whole lot out there that is amusing anymore, but every now and then, you find a nugget.

Some guy in Britain, a doctorial student, was heartbroken when janitors at Leeds University threw away a 77 pound bag of lizard dung he’d collected over a period of seven years.  “to some people it might have been just a bag of lizard poop, but its loss altered the course of my life forever.”

That was his statement, and now here is mine, get a life.

Norton Securities is hounding me about a “subscription renewal” and declaring that I am at the mercy of the Gods and unprotected.  Like a dummy I thought I bought a “program to protect my computer” I now discover that I bought a subscription.  Well you know what they can do with their $50 SUBSCRIPTION don’t ya?  Norton is a dog of a program, don’t buy Norton.

Yesterday at the beanery some poor misguided lost Republican girl tried to convince me that “I was the problem” with the housing mess.  I guess that is the official line, “we all have a responsibility in this” idea that is floating around.

Which is fine, if you buy into that particular brand of non-sense.

The problems remain the same as they always have, I don’t care what anyone has to say about “so-called change.”  I think it was Charlie Reese in the Orland Sentinel who said:  Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.  Have you ever wondered if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, why do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, why do we have inflation and high taxes?  You and I don’t propose a federal budget. The president does.  You and I don’t have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations.  The House of Representatives does.  You and I don’t write the tax code, Congress does.  You and I don’t set fiscal policy, Congress does.  You and I don’t control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.”

Not some poor Okie, who is just sitting here in the middle of Dust Bowl America trying to drink his lousy cup of coffee and munch on a do-nut in peace.

Let’s run this one up the old flagpole and see if anyone will salute it?  (Always remember this:  The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein:  It usually rejects it.) Nationalize these banks and get it over with, move on. Let the stockholders take their collective loss, they are the one’s that bought into all of it to begin with, thus, causing even more severe losses than should have been. Why should we have to support them in their misguided endeavors.

Let the loser’s go the way of other things and prop up the one’s that have survivability and move on.

The second U.S. Peanut plant closed this week.  The Peanut Corporation of America closed its Plainview Texas plant where they blanch and roast peanuts daily.  The reason for the closing was that lab tests indicated salmonella was present in its products.  I sure am missing my peanut butter crackers and cookies.  We seem to be ingesting a lot of poison in our food here lately.

A south Korean woman has just failed the written portion of her driving test for the 77-1st time in four years.  The 68 year old woman has been taking the test on nearly a daily basis since April 2005.  She has scored as high as 50% but needs a min. of 60% in order to pass.  You would think that she has the test “memorized” by this time.

Now I suppose you are all wondering how I knew the girl in the restaurant was a “Republican” well she just had that Tina Fey/Sarah Palin look to her, that is all.  You know, “I am on the move, on the way up, you are beneath me” kind of stare.  Sort of like that look my wife gives me when I try eating my pancakes without the benefit of silverware or something like that?

Just a note.  Palin has been informed by the IRS that she owes $5,000 on living expenses and money she was paid while living outside her home on the campaign trail.  That is the bad news.  Now here is the good news, “now that she has tax problems, this automatically qualifies her for a cabinet seat in the Obama Administration.”

Anywho, back to the Republican girl, she had that hungry look to her.  Most likely just coming off her third marriage and headed down the aisle for #4.  She had the look of a woman, married three times, who walked into a bridal shop one day and tells the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”

The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”

“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.

“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

OOO

“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Chilly America

winter-map

Back home and it is cold.  Been an interesting week.  Life is so good to me, now I can vividly remember when George Bush gave his “final-final-this is really it-goodbye speech.”  I stared at the television and thought to myself, “I cannot believe this nightmare is finally winding down and he is truly going to go away.”

Visibly frustrated beyond belief, I wanted to take off my shoe and throw it at him, but unfortunately, we pawned our last pair of shoes on Wednesday to buy some groceries.

We Have Closed Our Stinking Springs!

Idaho Falls Idaho – Federal officials said they will redraw a map that mistakenly includes part of an eastern Idaho ski area as closed to people. The Bureau of Land Management’s Stinking Springs winter wildlife closure map includes 66 acres of Kelly Canyon Ski Resort. Closures are intended to help reduce wildlife interactions with humans during the tough winter months.

Are You Water-boarding My Wife?

Kind of a slow day, think I will drive down to my wife’s employer and ask them a question.  “Each morning I bring to you my wife, she is fresh, she is smiling, she is in a good mood.  The woman that I love radiates with good will and energy.  At four P.M. I come to pick her up, and you deliver to me, the She Cat From Hell!  What are you people doing to her anyway?”

Sarah Palin Is Mad At The Media

Sarah announced this week that she has had it with bloggers and the media, then she turned around to complain to …… Yeppers … The media.  It will be great when her new book comes out this spring, then we will finally find out the truth on all this.  Don’t you just love it when they write a novel or a book, then we get to find out if the person had past lives where she was an explorer of the frozen north, an empress who tried to seduce a king, a priestess of politics or a maxi-pad.

New Action Figure in West Palm Beach

West Palm Beach Florida – A man with a visible potbelly – and a memorable disguise – tried without success to haul away two different ATMs over the past two weeks, the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office said.  Security video from the ATMs showed the man dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that revealed only his eyes.

What?  The Great American Prairie is empty?

Bismarck South Dakota – Officials in the state’s largest cities are trying to find places to put all the snow. In Bismarck, a pile in the parking lot at the Famous Dave’s barbecue restaurant is nearly 20 feet high. Manager Shane Frank said workers have had to shoo neighborhood children off the newfound sledding hill for fear of injuries.  It works the same way with a pile of sand on the driveway in the summertime.

Kids are after all … kids.

On the other end of the country, frustration was mounting in Spokane, Washington after freak winter storms buried the normally arid eastern Washington city under six feet of snow.  This has snarled traffic, disrupted garbage collections, and frayed the tempers and nerves of many residents.  Police are now reporting incidents of “Snow Rage.”  One man allegedly shot at a snow plow operator simply for honking at him.

Not Right Now Honey … The Game Is On.

A group of U.S. congressmen asked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to rearrange the voting schedule so that they could watch a football game.  In a note to Pelosi to “kindly consider” rescheduling votes so that he and other lawmakers could attend the national title game between Florida and Oklahoma.  Pelosi’s office denied the request.

Oklahoma choked and blew it, but if you bet on Florida, you came out alright.  Anytime Oklahoma goes to a bowl game, bet the other side, because Sooners they like to party too much the night before.

Holier than thou, or at least, taller.

A small Brazilian farming town announced plans this week to erect a statue of a 128 foot tall Jesus.  This is 4 feet taller than the country’s famous Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro.  Here is a miracle for you.  A supposedly paraplegic Mexican woman who’d been begging for change from her wheelchair jumped up and ran down the street when a security guard saw her trying to augment her income by breaking into a store.

Can You Spare A Dime

You ever notice that the beggar on the street corner always has a smoke?  Cigarettes selling for $4 a pack and higher in some areas of the country, but they always seem to have one.  And last week, a totally new wrinkle.  Standing there on the corner with the customary cardboard sign that says “stranded — homeless — anything will help” and he reaches into his shirt pocket, fishes out a cellphone and takes a call.

I believe I have seen it all.  No!  I Don’t Have A Quarter!

While we are on the subject (cell phones).  Clermont Florida – Brad Cox is lucky to have an unlimited text messaging plan. His daughter, Emilee, 14, sent or received more than 35,000 messages a month twice in the past year, a volume confirmed by Sprint. Emilee’s big month was June, when she tallied 35,463 text messages, about 1,182 a day. She attributed the spike to trading messages with friends while at cheerleading camp.  Here is a probable candidate for either carpal syndrome or a brain tumor for sure.

Obama Fever Grips The Nation

Just A Few Days Until The Celebration

The country is gearing up for its “Day In History” and the huge celebration in Washington DC.  This should be some shin-dig for sure.  Dancin’ In The Streets — The whole nine yards.  We in the Heartland will be tucked back into our warm cocoons and will watch in comfort and warmth from our living rooms.  At my age, that is the only type of history I am capable of celebrating.  Living in about the “reddest state in the nation” I am all too familiar with the drill.

Two Oklahoma farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

“Of course” says the first.  The second farmer continued: “And if you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first farmer, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

000

Different Strokes

Please note:  As of today, right now, this moment … We are going to one post per day.

This is today’s post.


Reading the paper and it says that President Shrub and the First Lady are not going home right away after the inauguration.  They are flying to Midland Texas for a “welcome home celebration for Laura” this is her hometown. (You did notice I said it was for “Laura” and not for him)

So the cottage in Dallas is on hold for a little bit.  It is not a moving thing, as after eight years of Bush, there simply cannot be much left in Washington to take home.  It is a decorating issue.  The article goes on to say that they are not ready to move into the new diggs in Dallas as the painters have not finished up on the painting of the new residence.

Which struck me as strange, because you see I have never lived anywhere in my entire life where I had to wait on the movers, the painters, the plumbers or any other service people.  There is a very good reason for this, you see:

I am the painters, the plumber and those other service people.

Much like you, I am a Happy Home Owner and I am in charge of these responsibilities as I am not rich.  Only the wealthy are required to wait on the hired help, the rest of us do not share this luxury of life.

I am not wealthy, do not ever expect to be well-heeled as they say, and that is the name of that tune.  Having no real desire to be stinking rich, I will freely admit to aspiring to not minding smelling bad, but other than winning the lottery, I see no real hope of ever being considered rich and having to wait on a plumber or a painter anywhere at any time.

So you can see why it strikes me as odd, “having to wait on the painters” before moving in.

Same thing with flying, they fly everywhere they go, and to them it is matter of fact, “Old Hat.”  Too me it is a monumental hassle, take off your shoes, remove those nipple rings — bend over something is squeaking down there and setting the wand off!  And all of that is before we leave the house for the airport!

My wife takes this flying business rather seriously these days.

They don’t have to put up with any of that, they just get on the bird and whoosh …. Off they go.  Ah the perks of political importance and being with the in-crowd.  Flying is also very expensive, another pesky little detail that they do not have to put up with, they are flying on the cuff, the taxpayer pays for all their little junkets.

Jim Inhofe a Senator from our state is known for flying all around the world, he did close to $200,000 worth of it last year, he seems to have adopted the continent of Africa.  All of it on the taxpayer accounts and this is all they had documented, a lot of it was using military aircraft and there are no figures available for that.

Face it we are all little fish swimming in a big pond, and they are the big fish.  Well, I need to get off this jag, I am beginning to sound whiny, and I hate that when it happens.

So what is it here that is newsworthy, this Saturday morning?  As many of you know, Hillary Clinton was chosen to operate the apparatus that dropped the ball on New Years eve.  And it occurred to me, who would have been a better choice to have dropped the ball, than a Senate Democrat?

Sarah Palin says Caroline Kennedy is getting a media pass and she is upset with that.  That is news?  Sarah also has a new grandson, Tripp, or as the liberal news media calls him, “Fresh Meat.”

Barack Obama was recently named as “Man of the Year” by Time magazine, but Al Franken in Minnesota claims there might be enough unclaimed votes to support his contention of Man of the Year.

Went to Borders yesterday and picked up some new reading material:  Circumcision by Appointment, Urogential Manipulation — or life in Washington DC on the lobbyist trail.  I suppose when Bush goes home he will write one on Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation numbers or how to Bombproof Your Horse, How to make it in life after squatting down with your spurs on — I can hardly wait.

Big time shaker out on the westcoast yesterday, something like 5.9 on the Richter scale.  It was felt in Los Angeles and all the way up to San Bernardino which is an area of about 55 miles.  They say animals can detect a quake before it hits.  My dad had a weenie dog named Fritz that could do it, he knew when they were coming and he would meet us all at the front door, flashlight in his mouth, and he had already changed the batteries!


Now here is why we are going to one post per day for an indefinite period of time or the end of the world, whichever comes first.


DuckyLast week or awhile back I discovered this little duck in my front yard, don’t have a clue as to where it came from or how it got there.  It wasn’t much of anything really, just this little lost, fluffy orphan, so I brought it inside the house and placed it in the warmth of my office, right next to the computer.

I got to thinking this week, “I bet this duck has never been out of town?” (Not really, I got to thinking it has been a long time since YOU have been out of town)  So I have decided to shut it down some and get out of Dodge for awhile.

Gasoline right now is cheap and I have just sunk my life savings into my truck [My Old Hoopie] to get it in good operating order.  One of the apparent benefits of not being gainfully employed is the ability to load up your favorite duck and head out.  ATM card in hand, full tank of gas and an empty bladder, loose me on humanity and set me free!  I am a fiend for the open road, Radio Girl has been sending me all those “we are having a good time you are not photo’s” back from down south, I am outta here.

Me and the duck, no poopy, we are out on the highway, mile after mile of tortured country music on the stereo westbound with the hammer down.

In the meantime, we will try our level best to post at least one item per day (not the usual two or three) and answer comments as we can.  As we are not traveling in a multi-million dollar motorhome Like Celine Dion or Cher, with a sat. dish on top, internet service will be sporadic at best and at times, non existent.

But where there is a will there is a way.

Please play fair amongst yourselves and try not to kill anyone while I am gone.

000

White Heat and Snake Oil

112408Black Friday has come and gone, hopefully the majority of you survived it to “fight another day.”  One more reason for me to be “ashamed of being American.”

Now it appears that the official “I have to buy something to be happy season” is now in full swing.  Let us pray the casualties will be light this year as everyone dives into the commercialism of Christmas and forgets about “the baby.”

How did this tradition of decorating the house in multiple colored lights become Christmas?  It seems as if it has been around forever and now a days it is even starting earlier.  I saw some houses decorated and blinking in the night sky as early a week before Thanksgiving.

There is however good news, “if you live in Oklahoma, and are lazy, you don’t take your Christmas Lights down at the end of the season.  You just leave them hanging there all year long and re-illuminate the following season.”

Okies are like that.

I prefer the image of what I call “the Coca Cola Santa Claus.”  He just seems to cheer me on, how about you?  Do you want to know the secret to his success?    His “jolliness” this time of the pstockingupforsantayear, even though his responsibilities are numerous, delegates the majority of the hard work out to the elves.

He leaves the drudgework to those under him, while he parties on the couch, chugging eggnog and dialing his sports representative (bookie) for the latest line on the football games for the holidays.

Sometimes it pays to be able to multi-task in this day and age.

Don’t You Just Hate It When …. You ever notice that when you are working on a truck or a car, and you drop a tool, it will for some strange reason, “automatically roll to the exact center of the truck or car” and then stop.  Can you imagine what happens when you drop a tool in space?

Astronaut Heldemarle Stefanyahy-Piper who was repairing a solar panel on the space-station when she accidentally let go of a tool bag and then watched it float away into the void (I assume to the exact center of the Universe, but I am not sure).

“Oh great” she muttered, which is kind of like hearing the wife in the kitchen saying “shoot” we all know it is the other word, that is spelled without the “two O’s.”  The thing that really got me going was the name …. Heldemarle Stefanyahy-Piper … Ah, there is a name to remember.

Hard Times In The HollarsHuntington West Virginia has been named as the unhealthiest city in the USA.  About half the adults there are obese, and half of its senior citizens have no teeth.  Since the economy in Huntington is so poor, the subject of overeating “doesn’t come up much” said the mayor who is also obese.  I suppose the sale of Jell-o is big at the local super-center too.  Lucille, pass me another bowl of them thar marshmallows … the melted ones

Dancin With The Stars RejectA 64 year old North Carolina woman has been awarded $275,000 after her town banned her from its weekly community dances.  She danced in short skirts, “simulating sexual intercourse with her partner, who hunched on the floor.” (sounds like a good clean community atmosphere to me, yeah right).  The town decided to settle her lawsuit and made a somewhat tacit admission that it had infringed upon her freedom of expression.

Giving Martha The FingerAn Iowa man who injured his finger moving a Martha Stewart branded chair is suing the homemaking champion claiming that he lost earning capacity when the finger was re-attached to his hand.  He is, I am not making this up, he is a “hand model and magician.”  The injury has effectively restricted his abilities to do slight of hand tricks and play the banjo at the same time.  It is a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Merry Christmas here is your pink slipColorado Springs Colorado Evangelical group, Focus On The Family is laying off 150 people after Thanksgiving and cutting their workforce of some 1,150 people.  They are citing bad economic hard times as the reason.  They also state that “donations to the organization” are down and they attribute that to the recession.

They will now stop publishing four of its eight magazines and I assume, lay off pumping huge amounts of cash into the fight to stop proposition same-sex marriage proposals on the California ballot.  Which always confuses me to no end, I can’t ever get it right.  Transsexuals are the things that grow down from the ceiling and transvestites are the ones that grow up from the floor … right?

User Name and Password PleaseBarack Obama plans to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office, thus becoming the first sitting U.S. President to do this.  He’ll probably have to give up using email, since emails can be hacked and subpoenaed by the government. Thanks to John Ashcroft and the Bush Posse nothing is sacred any more.  It would behoove Mr. Obama to remember:  “All human beings have three lives.  Public, private and secret.”

No word on whether or not he will continue to read Creative Endeavors.  (Yeah I know, that is rich isn’t it.  Sorry just couldn’t pass it up)  Well he did admit to reading “Harry Potter.”

I changed my mind … I am sorry … Please let me go … More than 100 requests for presidential pardons have poured into the White House hoping Bush will wipe their records clean.  Among those requesting pardons are former junk-bond king Michael Milken, who systematically wiped out the accounts of hundreds of thousands of American Senior Citizens.  Olympic sprinter and steroid abuser Marion Jones, and John Walker Lindh.  The poor little rich kid from Marin County California, “The American Taliban” who got 20 years and should have to serve every treasonous day of it as far as I am concerned.

Well that is about it for Monday morning, I can wrap this up and get back to my new book I am reading.  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for the twenty-first Century, It has recently been updated and this year, has totally new words for the public and gives my life new meaning.  On Sale $24.95 Borderbound.

  • Chapter One:  Internet addiction How to upload files and download material, right, the first time.
  • Chapter Two:  Parental Alienation Syndrome How to wean yourself off of Margaret & Helen safely and painlessly.
  • Chapter Three: Compulsive Buying Disorder Buying up Wall Street Banks and Corrupt Insurance Companies for fun and zero profit.
  • Chapter Four:  Apathy Disorder Not finding yourself really concerned where Sarah Palin happens to be at the present time, or actually caring if Dubya and Laura find a suitable house in Dallas.

Headed down to the river to ride my bike.  Which brings me to another thing.  “Unless you’re a professional cyclist or have lost a bet, take off the tight black Lycra biking shorts. And then burn them.

But then again, “I am old school” and everyone knows that.

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The November index is now up and complete.  65 articles and 41,000 words … check it out.  “The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)


Frost On The Pumpkin

I am a little late with my hauling today, please excuse me.  Listening to “Oldies on the Radio” so this could get a little strange … Which is an Oxymoron for this blog to be sure.  Strange is my by-line.

Most accidents happen in the home

Woke up to a rather chilly house this morning and it sure has cooled down here in the Heart Land.  This morning I was recalling my first winter on my own in Oklahoma.  I left home at an early age and went into the service, returning from the service I did what most guys did, located a job, found a place, and kind of settled in.

See there, all of us Viet Nam Vets are not messed up.

Having lived at home all of my life, I quickly discovered that having my own place was really kind of unique and different.  My apartment, built in the fifties had a “floor furnace” it did not have Central Heat Air as with today’s modern abodes.

Not really knowing how to lite the dad-gum thing, I just kind of took it on myself to try and get it going.  Too proud to ask the landlord and yes, to stuuuupid to not try.

So I take the inspection cover off and I turn on the gas … first bad move.

The furnace in the floor has a two inch inspection port on the very top of it.  Now here it comes … Second bad move … I start dropping lighted matches into the hole, all the time, staring straight down the port to see if it lites.

Several attempts were unsuccessful, meanwhile, the chamber is rapidly filling with raw gas. Well, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist or the next contestant on Jeopardy to figure out what happens next.

The floor furnace comes alive with a boom something akin to a explosion in a coal mine, and whoosh, and I do mean ….. WHOOSH!… at that time, this incredibly beautiful, rather blue looking flame, not to mention extremely hot as I recall, comes out of this hole that I am staring in, at about the speed of light!

No more eyebrows, eyelashes, and I now have a nice kind of tomato hot chilly pepper “red color” about my face and neck.  Which believe me was the talk of the lunch table for about ten days afterwards.

Just thought I would share that with you and what my grandfather said to me, “Son!  What happened to your face?”  So I told him and then he remarked something to grandmother about me being her son’s child or something.

So for god’s sake, be careful lighting up the furnace y’all, it can be a real butt kicker if done incorrectly.  So much for the “public safety” portion of today’s post.

Politics’ that pay off

Rhode Island state senator John Orabona claimed an annual pension of $106,000 when he retired in 1995, based on 79 years worth of state service.  Only one problem:  He was 51 years old at the time.  So how did he acquire more years in pension credits than he’d been alive?  He found and exploited a loophole in the state’s pension legislation that made it possible for him to combine benefits from various jobs.  Must be nice, the world of politics.

Fannie Mae Comes Clean

Mortgage financing company Fannie Mae acknowledged this week that it has spent more that $6,000 on a golf outing after it was seized by the government this year.  But it said it is halting similar company sponsored events.  I just love it when they come clean after the fact and it makes me wonder just how it is that they can manage to keep their shirts on with those big hearts that they have.

Open Wide

This year’s ozone hole over Antarctica was the fifth-biggest on record and reached a mximum area of 10.5 million square miles which scientists consider “moderately large.”  Gawd, wonder what a Big Hole would consist of?  Last year, it was 9.7 million square miles, smaller than this year, and that was approximately about the size NORTH AMERICA.  Think about that … that would be considered adequately large I guess, which my wife often uses to describe my mouth or behavior at parties.

Reverse Escape

I just love stupid criminals, they rock!  As my grandson would say.  Police in Nassau County, New York said a man, the brother of a man already incarcerated, broke into jail because of his displeasure with the visitors policy.  He pleaded not guilty to trespassing and other charges and was ordered held in leui of $6K in bail.  His lawyer said that his client was “going thru a lot of emotional turmoil.”  Now you know the economy and things are getting bad, when people are actually trying to BREAK INTO OUR JAILS.  I recommend probation and Prozac for at least 6 months.

Check the bag

Ramsey Minn.  Parents found methamphetamine and $85 in cash in the Halloween stash of their 7 year old son.  When they asked him about it, he replied, “Some bigger kid ran by him and asked if he wanted some candy” so I took it.  When I was twelve, I dressed up in women’s apparel, and went as my mother.  I just stood at the door, and critized everyone who came by about what they were wearing.

No small wonder … Drill this

In a review of the 55,000 federal oil and gas leases issued to energy companies by the Interior Department from 1987 to 1996, the General Accountability Office found that the majority expired without being drilled and an even smaller amount produced oil and natural gas.  This boys & girls is why drilling for oil is risky … 15% of nothing … equals nothing.

Do you still have the number for the truck driving school?

“I just thank God for this opportunity that I have to be your governor” ~ Sarah Palin, arriving home in Alaska Well, yeah.  I mean, uh, she’d be like – unemployed – otherwise, wouldn’t she?  It’s a downright shame when the “Greatest Nation On Earth” cannot find people to lead it.  The only people in America these days that know what is really going on are driving cabs and cutting hair.

I don’t know about you … but I am ready for a change … Bring it on.

As usual, thanks for stopping by and if you have any comments that you wish to leave go ahead.  The wave seems to have crested and things are back to normal now, or at least something that resembles normal.  Kind of nice opening up the email box and not finding 200 messages.  We continue to receive our fair share of cranky, attitude packing misfits, but they just go to comment oblivion now, this is an adult site, we don’t cater much to ill bred children and their cheap email threats or poorly written diatribes.

Oh my gosh, look what time it is, it’s time for Family Feud, I am outta here.

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By The Numbers

paulson

78% of Americans think too much money was spent on the 2008 prudential election.  57% said they support campaign-spending limits, while 38% said candidates should be allowed to spend as much as they can raise.

34% of voters said the historic 2008 election made them “more proud” to be American.  While only 12% said it made them less proud.  45% said the election did not change how they view America.

Pride goeth before a bad fall …. This next item concerning our social mores, is definitely nothing to be proud of.

The adultery gap in America is narrowing.  A new study out finds that the lifetime rate of infidelity for men has risen from 20% over the past decades to 28% today.  For women, the infidelity rate has risen much more dramatically, from 5% to 15%.    Improved health of post-menopausal women and men over 50 … along with drugs for treatment of ED has kept people sexually active much longer, creating at the same time more opportunity for infidelity.

Plus the fact that Americans have this laissez-faire attitude and don’t seem to worry about it.  But the bottom line remains the same … It is not nice to monkey, with another monkey’s monkey. You aint foolin’ anyone but yourselves.

The government just released new figures on the joblessness rate or the unemployment rate in the country.  6.1% up from 4.5% this same time a ago.  Officials state that it “is not good” but it’s not “awful” unless of course, you are now living under a freeway underpass in a cardboard major appliance carton that was built in China.  This “summa of job angst” rose in September to 11% the highest level in 14 years.

Whirlpool announces that it will cut 5,000 jobs, Chrysler 4,300 blue collar workers, Goldman Sachs and Xerox said that they will eliminate “thousands of positions.”  Publishers Gannet, McGraw-Hill, Time Inc and Tribune Co, all announced similar plans.  The hemorrhaging continues and I guess my book deal has been shelved for awhile.

More?

Sarah Palin is currently the third choice of Republicans who are looking ahead to 2012, 35% say they’d support Mitt Romney as the GOP nominee, 28% favor Mike Huckabee, and only 20% back the Caribou Barbee.

People who do not learn from their mistakes are prone to repeat them.  Kind of like American Idol, “here he is our current week’s loser, back to sing for you again!”

70% of most American Journalists said that they wanted to see Barack Obama win in 2008.  9% rooted for McCain and only 8% did not support any candidate whatsoever.  Things are so bad that a popular Republican blog site has resorted to writing and posting articles on Sarah Palin’s children’s underwear.

Now that is not only pitiful, but downright disgusting.

The average cost of using another banks ATM is now $3.43 per visit, while a bounced check has risen to $28.95 up 2.5% over last year.  Now aren’t you glad we gave all that money to those poor, poor bankers.  And if that doesn’t row your boat, this will.

Despite five straight losing quarters and a 70% fall in its stock price in 2008, Merrill Lynch has set aside $6.7 billion, that is “billion” with a “B” boys and girls, for year end bonus payments to its employees.

Meanwhile back at the ranch.  This week I received a notice of changes of agreement which is basically a nice form letter saying WE win and YOU lose again from my friendly credit card people … They said that if I exceeded the limits on my card …  they were going to come take my first born male child.

But other than that … Everything here at the local watering hole is just swell, how you doin?

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“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)

Mysteries of life

A great many things in this life just do not make sense.  I was thinking about that this very morning and I thought I might share some of it with you.

Take those birds, Swallows, every year, they just keep coming on back to Capistrano or some other place out in California.  That is a mystery to me.

Or those horse’s that are born white and then they turn coal black when they reach maturity.

Recently Radio Girl turned me on to an interesting blog site that is entitled  “Margaret & Helen” and they are a mystery to me.

Are they really eighty years old as they claim and writing this blog with the help of their grandchildren or are they conning everyone into believing they are so.

Immensely popular they are a good read and a mystery to me, I shall follow them in the future with some skepticism.  But that is nothing new, I am suspicious of everyone and everything, just ask my birth mother she will tell you.  I enjoy their page.  It makes me ever mindful of the conversations and musings in the late afternoon that I shared with my grandparents who are now long gone. Get some time today, trot over there and give their read a glance over, some good stuff there.

Back to the mysteries of life.  The roots go down and the plant goes up, life, that is a mystery.  This guy, Joe The Plumber, as I understand it, he doesn’t have a license, so why do they say he is a plumber?  That is a mystery.  How can the cable company remember to send me a bill each month, but cannot remember the password on my site?  Here is another that just irks the ____ out of me, why does this sucker change fonts in the middle of an article, does it all the time!  WordPress.com surely a mystery if there ever was one.

“Pick a number between one and five.”  Got it?  Is it three?  Nine times out of ten, when you ask someone to do this, they will pick the number three.  Why?  Because they perceive the number three as the middle, another mystery of life.

A word of precaution here, this number thing only works with adults.  If you do it with your five year old grandson, give him the choice, ask him to pick the number, and then ask what the number is, he will most likely reply, ‘It’s MY number Grandpa, go get your own.” You have been warned.

More red cars are sold in America than any other color.  A red used car will sell for MORE money than other cars.  Red Is For Lovers

Women in red has always been a mystery to me.  A new psychological study has just been released about romantic attraction and it suggest that red attire makes men unwittingly more attracted to women. To study the effect of color on behavior, psychologists as the University of Rochester in New York conducted five experiments and analyzed mens responses to photographs of women in various situations.

They would in turn frame the photo’s in red or have the women wearing red in the photo’s as they were displayed. In every case, men rated the women in red frames or wearing red as considerably more attractive and sexually desirable than the same women with other colors.

So if you want to attract your man …… Put on that red dress baby, ‘cause we goin’ out tonight, put on that red dress baby, case some fool might wanna fight

Sampson and Delilah were a mystery.  So was Cleopatra and Marc Anthony.  Two strong and robust men, brought down in their prime by a woman.  Which brings me to Sarah and McSame, a broadly satirical political comedy of sorts with an improbable plot, this truly is a mystery to me.

I can remember the first time I was given word of it and my measured response was … Are you kidding me, what were you thinking?

Wonder if Sarah was wearing red when Old man Mr. McSame took her down by the creek, under the stately Cotton Wood tree in Sedona Arizona, to ask for her hand in their unholy alliance in the mysterious world of politics.

I guess I will always wonder about that one for sure.

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It’s Simple

Okay, I think I have it down now. BANKER to TAXPAYER: “It’s simple … You are loaning me money.” TAXPAYER: “Uh huh.” BANKER: “So I can lend YOU money.” TAXPAYER: “Uh huh?” BANKER: “This way, I can stimulate the economy.” TAXPAYER” “Huh?” BANKER: “And when it gets back on its feet and is robust and times are good, I can pay YOU back.”

Yeah … I got it … I think we ALL got it.

Every now and then I seem to touch a nerve or as I like to put it … “Hit A Home Run.” Earlier in the week I wrote this piece on Halloween (Sign of the Times) and in it was a paragraph that read: “A time period costume would work, all you have to do is rummage thru your closet and find something from the 70’s,80’s or pre Ronald Reagan, that should do it. How about cross dresser, nice, but kind of dangerous in Oklahoma, some people here do not encourage or respect your new found perspective. I understand that in California the Gover-nator calls them “Girly Boys.” Which for some reason found disfavor with some of my readers and they have sent me emails implying among other things that I am insensitive and that my parents were not married. This is not true.

My parents were married.

So in effort to be “fair and impartial” about this, I have provided a link to address the issue. You can find it here.

Did you know that U.S. Senators are eligible for a pension if they aren’t re-elected and serve just one six-year term? As incredible as it may seem, it is true. Senators need just five years to be eligible at age 62 for pension rights. Currently the pension would be less than 8.5% of their 2008 salary, $169,300.00. Still, that is almost $15K a year, and remember, this is a first term member.

Think what some eighty-year old convicted felon moss-back will receive.

Iran’s attempt to build the world’s largest sandwich has ended in chaos, after spectators stared eating it. A thousand volunteers worked for a day to build the nearly mile-long ostrich meat sandwich in a Tehran park, but before officials from Guinness World Records could certify the feat, the impatient crowd swarmed the sandwich and devoured it in a matter of minutes. They still believe they will be able to get the sandwich in the books however, because of media footage that they plan on sending to the judges.

A mile long ostrich sandwich ……. Mmmmmmmmmmm doesn’t that sound yummy, it has my mouth watering just sitting here thinking about it.

Britain has resorted to bribing students to go to school. Truancy has risen abominably ever since the Labor Party came into power some 11 years ago. They have over 200,000 pupils cutting class in any given week. Labor tried the “Big Stick” approach to the problem by fining the parents of the errant children, but that did not work.

Now it is trying the carrot.

Children can win flat-screen TV’s, games, consoles, IPods, laptops, and even trips abroad for the onerous duty of turning up for lessons and applying themselves diligently. This bribery is insulting to students and teachers alike.

Here ins America we have a similar approach in place for our juveniles … It is called “National Elections.”

Joe “the plumber” Wurzelbacher of Toledo, was mentioned 26 times during the past week. By contrast, I only heard the word “Iraq” six times, “economy” 22 times and the word “shoot” coming from our kitchen seven. Shoot is really that other word, you just spell it differently, “shoot” has two O’s in it … the other one doesn’t and sounds pretty bad, but basically means the same thing.

Sarah Palin most likely used the other word when she saw this shot of her child flippin’ off her brother the other day.

Which ought to make for interesting around the dinner table discussion at the Moose Refuge …. “Well honey, maybe if we paid more attention to what the kids are doing and all we would be better informed” ……… “Informed! You want informed, well, if you’d stop reading Al Frankin and listening to O’Riely and paid more attention to Jesse Jackson and Rush, or James Dobson you’d be more informed enough to know that I AM God’s anointed champion of the people, not Obammer. I will show you informed” …

Now before you get all riled up and claim that I am picking on the Yummy-Mummy-our much adored and revered Moose Gooser, here is a picture of our beloved President doing the same thing.  It must be a welcoming salute generic to the party, taught at an early age.

So much for my weak attempt at pleonasm for Thursday. End of today’s English lesson.  Tune in tomorrow when we will be discussing why it is that Bonobo apes, one of the most peaceful and loving primates on the planet prefer to eat their cousins.

I guess they are the Republican’s of the species ………..

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