Curve Ball


Here you go boys & girls, Friday’s post.  You will be happy to know, this post has no mention of Twitter, Facebook, Malware or medicine to treat an ugly rash under your right armpit.  In other words … It is just a taste of life. 

This morning I find myself sitting in the well worn comfortable chair at Buell’s Barbershop waiting on a haircut and a shave.  And I notice all of the hair in this small town country barbershop lying on the floor is a gray color. 

Which made me think to myself, perhaps I will write a post on that. 

So here it is.

Life threw me another curve this week and I was not ready for it.  You ever notice as you get older, things sort of happen, when you are not paying attention?  I had the power washer out the other day doing some chores and when I went to shut it down, I tipped it up to unhook the hose (this is more convenient than bending over or stooping down to remove it) and some gasoline ran out of the tank onto my left foot.

At the time, I of course was oblivious to this, and did not notice it at all.

Later on I am headed to town for lunch and I keep smelling gasoline in the old truck and I am wondering to myself, “What is wrong with this thing now?” (It has close to 160K on it so it is prone to break things)  All the time it is the left foot that has all the gasoline on it that is creating the odor.  Later on in the day, I disrobe to shower, and my left foot is all red (in the area of the tennis shoe spill) and I freak out.

“Holy mother of Gawd … What the _____ is that?”

This is what happens to you when something out of the ordinary happens to you as you grow older … You freak out.  Unfortunately, it also kicks into gear, quickly bringing everything to a head, the worry or anxiety feature of adult living.

Man, should I call the clinic?
How will I drive and stop the bus with only one foot?
Do they give you a discount on tennis shoes when you only have to buy one?
How will I ever get up on a horse again.

This morning I am running the gauntlet of human emotions trying to ascertain why “all of a sudden I am really red on this one foot.”  After my third cup of coffee it finally came to me (The Ice Man’s Head melts) “it was the gas on the tennis shoe.”  All is now right in my world, but believe me, “it is not easy being me.”

Fast forward to the next day.

In am at the RV repair shop and I am inquiring about some batteries for my coach, much like humans, they wear out too.  I happen to strike up a conversation with this guy, and right off the bat, he informs me (a total stranger) that he is seventy-four years old.  This in turn makes me think about all of these folks I run into, who for no apparent reason inform me of their age.

Kind of a modern day mystery or social oddity here lately.  We seem to have this preoccupation with our age these days.  Might be because we are all growing older and America is quickly graying out.

Not long ago, a few years perhaps, I find myself standing on the south rim of the Grand Canyon, a huge tour bus pulls up and out of its innards comes a slow moving procession of elderly folks.  They all line up at the overlook and instead of hearing … “What a moving, inspirational sight … or … Look at the grandeur of that .. How far do you suppose it is to the other side?” …

I hear: 

“After my last operation they put me on this … My doctor said that I should take two of these every morning … I am now urinating in shifts, it is really irritating the ____ out of me … No seriously, I am tellin ya Frank, those little blue pills really work.”

Life changes you not only physically but the way you think too.

When you are young, you walk up to complete strangers and announce in no uncertain terms, “I am four.”  Usually holding up the corresponding fingers to verify the statement.  Then you move onto fractions, “I am eight and one-half, nine and a quarter” when you tell someone or answer up when they inquire of you your current age.  Then it is the “almost there years.”  I am almost thirteen, I am almost sixteen, soon I will be twenty and no longer a teenager.

Life is like that, I don’t know why, but it is.

“Don’t trust anyone over thirty” remember that one. Then there is this middle age thing, which is kind of ridiculous.  Most folks when they hit forty-five or fifty claim to be “middle aged.”  Who do you know over 100 years old, few if any.  Then almost magically you find yourself pushing sixty and over the hill to seventy and find that this age is the new sixty, which I do not get at all.

Last time I saw my doc, he said “you have the start of cataracts” and I asked him what causes that, and he smiled and said, “too many birthdays.”  He also told me that my cholesterol was not good and I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.  Suggested that I get some exercise in my later years, so I took him up on the offer.

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in.  Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.  It’s great though.  “It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”  Now if I could just locate some suitable loose fitting clothing, I would have it made. 

Not bad, for sixty-four and three-quarters, whadya think? 

Have a great weekend … see y’all on Monday.

OOO

Gimme – Gimme

Not long ago I was watching the movie “Wall Street” starring Michael Douglas. This is where he plays the unscrupulous Wall Street financier Buddy Grekko (sp) I believe his name was, a Donald Trump Wall-Street-Wanna-be of the first order. In the movie he states that “GREED is good, and that it is not all that necessarily a bad thing.” So it got me to thinking, “If GREED is good, then why are we in such dire straights right now because of it.”

So today’s offering in literary junk food will be on the subject of GREED.

As I am often accused of picking on some of these pikers around here, and that I never seem to be able to get along with anyone, we shall talk about my favorite thing in life … GREED. Being fully aware that I am basically talking with honest people, who know the definition of true GREED (wanting more than you can honestly afford). By the way, you don’t have to be dishonest to be GREEDY, I know people who are in church every Sunday and they are just as GREEDY as the next old boy.

Now if you go through your wife’s pocket book, or take gifts from people that you know you shouldn’t accept, you could be GREEDY. GREED can be the most potent aphrodisiac know to anyone running for public office. GREED. Where GREED really plays a big hand is in politics. The more money someone raises to run for office the bigger his image and his ego gets, once again, a power trip. Fueled by GREED. Politicians are known for their GREED and at times, so are their respective parties that they belong to.

GREED can also be a good substitute for Viagra, one of the better know stimulants in the western world is GREED.

Today I received a notice of “change in terms” for my credit card. If I go over my limit, 30%, if I get a cash advance and overdraw, 30%, if I am late, 30% … GREED. Pure and simple, why do they do this to a up-to-date good customer … GREED.

And of course they can do this with impunity, because they are BANKERS and the GOVERNMENT is powerless to do anything about it.

Walking into an Indian Casino or playing Bingo once per week, watching the ponies run and wagering sums on them at the local track can also lead to GREED. This morning the price of gasoline was $2.31 per gallon, seven hours later, for no apparent reason, it is $2.45 per gallon … GREED.

A Hong Kong Jeweler named Lam Sai-Wing built a bathroom in which almost everything is made of 24 karat gold: the toilet, the floor tiles, the mirror frames — even a a chandelier. The only thing that’s not all-gold is the ceiling, which is studded with 6,200 diamonds, pearls, rubies, sapphires, and emeralds. Cost to build this monster … $3.5 million for this high tech outrageous poop-shooter.

GREED also comes into play in sports, the late Vince Lombardi said that “winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.” Americans will do anything to win a golf tournament, a tennis match or a Little League Baseball game. Now days they even have competitions to see who can land the biggest fish. Who is it that pays upwards of $200 for a pair of Tennis Shoes, while the rest of the world goes barefooted? GREED. I have more than 1,000 DVD’s movies in my collection … GREED.

Enron was a prime example of GREED. It’s apparent reluctance to pay taxes to the IRS for a period of several years, this is another example of GREED. So what if the city loses money … GREED. Tax Time is especially a fruitful time for GREED lovers and seems to bring out the worst in us. We sit back and try to figure out new angles in order to pay the least amount of taxes owed … GREED.

GREED always rears its ugly head when you try to figure out how to cheat on your taxes without getting caught.

Even when it comes down to romance, we are GREEDY. You say things to another person that sound like the real thing, but you really don’t mean it. Fortunately you cannot go to jail for this one, unless of course, you try to make your loved one tax deductible.

Some folks are GREEDY about clothes, homes, automobiles. Once GREED strikes it is hard to shake off. I have a touch of it myself, probably a tad, but no more or less than your average American.

Now in closing I want you to take into consideration one thought and then we will be done. Here is your scary thought for the day.

Back in 1990, the Government (IRS) seized the Mustang Ranch Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of greedy-dumb-asses who couldn’t make money running a whore house and selling booze? And we are lending them the lifeblood of our U.S. Treasury without as much as collateral?

What is wrong with this picture?

I envy people who have more than I do, but when people ask how GREEDY I am, I always tell them to speak to my lawyer. *

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*As promised yesterday

  • The five entertainers who had airports name after them: Bob Hope, John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, John Lennon and Will Rogers.
  • Six stars who took Karate lessons from Chuck Norris: Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley, Steve McQueen, Michael Landon, Marie Osmond and Donny Osmond.
  • Why George Dubya Bush doesn’t wear a name tag at his Class Reunions. Who cares?

“The cartoon was published by the Center for American Progress” (online)


Sexy Seniors … Practice Dialers

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: “When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.”

State residents in West Virginia are going to have seven months to practice dialing 10-digit telephone numbers. Yes, I said, “ten months to practice” dialing telephone numbers. Now you hear a lot of bad jokes about people from the “hollars and the backwoods of the south” but you never really think they are real.

Or are they?

From Mid July to Feb. 28th residents get to make voluntary 10-digit dialing calls after that it is a mandatory thing for them. Now how much know-how does it take to be able to dial a telephone for cryin’ out loud.

This, this is the number pad, you dial the number here, and then it goes to the person you are calling.  Now you try it. 4-1-1? Is this here information? Yes, it is, how may I assist you?  I was wondering where my socks is? Can you tell me? … Look behind the couch bubba.

The new statewide Area Code goes into effect this week, good luck.

Older Americans aren’t the only ones having more sex and enjoying it more. A new study of Swedish 70-year olds finds that they’re having sex more often than peers in the past, and that women of that age are particularly satisfied with their sex lives (That a way to go Yohand!).

Last year researchers in the U.S. reported that Americans ages 57 to 85 were getting on with a “little help from their friends” (Viagra and Levitra) and generally speaking were living better thru chemistry. Viagra was great! We had sex for two hours once … but 1’50” of it was just me, apologizing after wards!

The findings last year dispelled greatly the rumors that Grandma and Grandpa were wasting away in suburbia and vegetating. Now on the heels of that survey, new hope on the horizon. Or perhaps not hope. From a woman’s standpoint it has to be a bulletin from the devil himself. “Oh great, now I have to have even more sex with this guy until the end of my life? Give me a break.”

The Swedish survey points out that men and women are doing just fine, and octogenarians are actually quite lively. And of course, men don’t actually need the stimulant, what we need is a pill that will help us to “talk for a little while” after wards.

So much for getting frisky in the Golden Years.

President Nixon declared that our dependency on foreign oil would be a thing of the past, it would only take us 12 years and we would be free of middle eastern oil. That did not happen. Nixon said in 1970 that we were importing 20% of our oil, that it would be ten years later, 0%. It in turn went to 42% in 1991, with the Gulf War. It is just under 70% now.

And I suppose the next logical question is … “Where will we be in ten years?”

That would be, I am afraid, anyone’s guess.  Now Mr. T.B. Boone Pickens, Texas Oil Man and Ex-Corporate raider, is on the scene and he has a plan.  Mr. Pickens’ says that “alternative energy” is our salvation and our way out.

Wind and Natural Gas.

One thing is for sure, it is a player, a citizen who has the plan, not the government. At least someone is willing to work on a solution. I see it and hear it every day, wind and gas, buy an electric car.

Do people believe that electricity is just going to magically fall from the sky?

Something has to turn … Something has to burn … In order to make electricity folks, it is a law of nature. But at least someone has a plan … Which is better than our governments solution which is kind of like drilling for more oil, 15% of nothing, is still … nothing.

Meanwhile, back in West Virginia …. Is this that there 9-1-1?? Yes, what is your problem? I cum home and my sister, Lucinda, is on the floor and she is not breathing. What is your address sir? It is 1225 Eucalyptus Drive. Can you spell that for me? ……. long pause ….. How about I just drag her down to the corner of O-A-K Street and you can pick her up there.

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